Sunday, October 11, 2009

My Last Post *Edited*

A year ago I wrote my first post. As I'm writing this one, I'm listening to nursery rhymes as my miracle of a daughter is playing in her gym beside me. I never dreamed a year ago I'd be here in this moment.

I have learned so much about myself and life during my struggle through infertility.

My heart is strong. It has the strength to endure multiple feelings of failure, multiple disappointments, and ultimately, multiple feelings of elation.

My body is strong. It was put through countless tests, blood draws, injections, and procedures. In the end it was able to carry life; for that I am truly blessed.

My marriage is strong. It was put through one of life's ultimate tests. I learned I have a wonderful husband who will always be there for me. We struggled together and he was with me every step of the way. He gave me the strength to continue and the courage to pick myself up and try again.

My friends are strong. Some of the most courageous, brave, determined, intelligent women I have found in my life have been those I have never met. The world of blogging has allowed me to share in the hopes and dreams of others. It has allowed me to find and give endless support. It has allowed me to find a place where I belonged. A place where people "got it."

Infertility is a bitch. It is ugly and unfair. It is life changing no matter what the outcome.

Infertility has made me a better person and for that I am grateful.

*If you'd like to follow my new journey through motherhood you can find me at:

Just Another Motherhood Blog

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Just Another Motherhood Blog

I started another blog.

I wanted a place I could discuss issues other than infertility and pregnancy. I wanted a place I could share my adventures in motherhood, and I didn't think an infertility blog was the right place to do it. I will still have all your journeys on my blog roll and I will continue to follow. Someday I will be able to comment again. It's hard to type with one hand and feed her with the other. The new blog is pretty sparse to start. You'll see why after reading my first post.

I stand by my decision to continue to blog here about my pregnancy. I did not have a guarantee that I would take home a baby. There was so much that could have gone wrong. I did not feel like I had beat infertility's ass until she was born. We finally have the baby we have always wanted. It is time to move on . . .

I hope you continue to follow. I have made so many friends and have found so much support. I would miss hearing from you, but I would understand. Luckily you can't stop me from following you. :)

Just Another Motherhood Blog

Monday, September 14, 2009

My Baby Story

Here comes my too detailed saga into motherhood. . .

We went in for a scheduled induction Friday morning at 8:30. As we were checking in we saw Dr. Delightful in the hall and he was disappointed that the hospital didn't let us come earlier. (He was only on duty until 8:00 that night).

After admitting we went into an "induction suite" which was bright and very clinical looking as it was originally designed as an OR but they couldn't use it as one because of the attached bathroom. There we sat for about an hour before we even met our nurse (who was a mom at the school I teach at- small world), got an IV line, and was finally greeted by Dr. D. This was going very slow.

The doctor decided to do a foley catheter in my cervix to dilate it. Before the procedure at about 10:00 am I was still only dilated to a one and 25% effaced. After the procedure I asked if this could fall out accidentally or only once I reached 3 cm. He said it was secure and the balloon rarely fails and falls out before dilation. He started me on a small amount of pitocin and left the room. Not two minutes after he leaves the catheter falls out. I was not happy. It wasn't the most painful procedure, but I certainly didn't want to get it done all over again.

He comes right back in and I jokingly say, "Does that mean I'm at a three already?" Turns out I was. I dilated from a one to a three in the course of a few minutes. Things were looking up.

We sat in our "suite" for about another hour before we were finally moved to the labor and delivery room. They kept coming in to up the pitocin every half and hour. It was uncomfortable and I could feel the contractions but they didn't seem very strong and I had a feeling nothing much was happening. My biggest complaint was hunger. I was so hungry. No food with pitocin. The doctor had said they might turn it off around dinner time so I could eat. I was looking forward to that.

Things changed at 3:00 pm. I was laying in bed and I heard a pop and felt a gush. My water had broke on it's own. Then the contractions started to hurt. They were coming so fast. If I would have had a longer break in between them, they would have been more tolerable.

It is important to note here that no one had checked me since around 10:30 am when I was a three. I was seriously considering an epidural for the pain at this point but I had no idea what progress (or lack of) I had made. I also was still very hungry and once I got the epidural there would for sure be no dinner in my future. It was about 4:00 pm and I was told my doctor wouldn't be in to check me until 6:00! There was no way I could take the contractions until then. Screw hunger, contractions won out. I asked for my epidural.

It wasn't until about 5:00 that the wonderful effects of my epidural kicked in. It really was one of the best thing I ever decided to do. At first I was worried it wouldn't work or that one side was taking and the other side wasn't. It did it's job though and I was pain free, and ready for a long night of laboring. I didn't care how long it took anymore. I could finally relax.

I finally had some visitors come in once I was more comfortable, just some immediate family members. Around 7:00 (my doctor was, so far, an hour late checking me) I was surprised to feel a lot of pressure in my ass. I suddenly remembered what they said at our childbirth classes about feeling like you needed to take a BM. I ran this by DH and he looked about as shocked as I was. I wasn't ready for this yet. I had no idea if I was dilated enough for all this. My progress had been a mystery to me all day. I decided to shoo the guests out and ring the nurse. Once I told her my symptoms she said, "I bet your baby is down low and you are about a 9 1/2 or a 10. I will let your nurse know when she gets off break in ten minutes." WHAT?!

By now the pressure was building to the point I felt I needed to push. I told DH to go tell them to come in now! Lazy nurse said she'll go get my nurse off her break to insert my catheter (which hadn't been done yet). This whole time I'm thinking, "Why won't someone stick their hands in my vagina?!" So they both come in and do the catheter. Finally, finally both nurses check me. I was fully dilated and plus three station. Maddy was on her way out.

From then on, things moved quickly. They paged Dr. D who was rounding the corner to finally check me. He agreed I was ready to go. Everyone was running around trying to prepare trays, break down my bed, and all the other delivery things they do. Meanwhile I could not believe I was ready to push. Especially since the whole time (for no real reason) I thought this would end in a c-section. Once I realized how this was going to go down I was ready to get her out as quickly as possible.

The epidural was perfect. I could feel each contraction and I knew when and how to push, but there was no pain, just intense pressure. My friend once told me, "It feels like you're taking the biggest shit of your life." That is a great way to describe it. Although maybe a little gross.

I am very proud to say that it only took 15 minutes from the first push to the last. My nurse told me not to tell many people that. I did pay the price from a fast delivery by a second degree tear as her shoulders sprang out. The pitocin and my contractions did most of the work for me.

It was, looking back, a pretty easy, smooth delivery. I am amazed at what my body could do. Infertility shook me and made me feel broken. In the end I overcame and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. For that, I will be forever grateful.

How about some more pictures?

Thursday, September 10, 2009


I hope to update soon and tell my birth story so I don't forget the details. I also hope to get a minute to read my blogroll. I can't wait to catch up. I don't know how you new moms still find time to update your blogs regularly. I'm envious of your multitasking.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Our Miracle

Madelyn is here!

Born September 4th at 7:45 pm
7 pounds 9 ounces
Worth everything!

I wish I had a pic on this laptop. Will try to send one asap.

She looks perfect to me.

Thursday, September 3, 2009


To Our Sweet Little Baby,

Tomorrow we meet you.

Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting our whole lives for.

We already know so much about you.

We know you like sleeping in and sleeping hard like Daddy. We know you get "grumpy hungry" like Mommy and kick and fuss until we feed you. We know how much you like ice-cream and how your favorite thing to do is kick and kick your little foot. We know how much you are loved. You are loved by not just Daddy and Mommy, but your grandma and grandpa, your nana and papa, your three uncles and aunts, and countless friends ready and excited to meet you. We know you will be beautiful because you were created out of love and hope and prayers. We know how much you were wanted. We know we are blessed to have you.

Tomorrow we can hold you and kiss you and see your sweet face.

We can't believe this day is almost here.

We love you sweet Madelyn.

You are a dream come true.

Mommy and Daddy

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I Have to Vent

Damn fertiles!

Why don't they think before they spew stupidity?

I was talking to a coworker today on the phone. She just had a baby girl four months ago and has been so generous with giving me maternity clothes, baby clothes, a cosleeper, a baby bjorn, the list goes on. She's a lot of fun to hang out with and we have been getting to be friends more than "acquaintances."

She knows of my IVF treatments and her mom and dad went through several IVF attempts before they ended up getting pregnant with her brother and later her, on their own. She also has at least one other friend who has done IVF. Of all my friends, I didn't think she'd be the one to say something so insulting.

We were talking about one of her friends who went through IVF and got pregnant with twins. A few weeks ago she had told me that her friend went into (very) premature labor and lost on of the twins. I asked how her friend and her baby were doing. She said it was really touch and go with the other baby. She sounded sad for her friend and said they have already gone through so much and she hoped this didn't deter her from trying again if something happens to her other baby.

Then she added, "But, this was her second IVF try. Maybe some people's bodies weren't meant to have babies."

Ummm. . . Do you remember who you are speaking to?! Are you saying I am not "meant" to have a baby?!

I got very quiet. Finally I said, "Getting pregnant and carrying a baby are two very different things. Carrying multiples is always more risky. It has nothing to do with her infertility."

Again, poor attempts at back peddling ensued. I really think she had forgotten how I got pregnant.

I initially tried to blow it off as ignorance on her part, but as I was sitting here on the computer I started stewing about it and getting really disappointed in her. It is yet another reminder that no one will ever understand IF unless it happens to them.

I know so many of us have had this kind of experience. I have more than once. I keep thinking it will get easier to hear these comments, but it never does. It hurts every time.

Friday, August 28, 2009

39 Weeks

But who's counting?

I had my appt with Dr. Delightful today. I had to have my 38 week visit with a midwife last week, so it was great to see him again. I ran down my list of questions and then he took measurements, listened to her heartbeat and did a pelvic exam. I am currently 1 cm dilated, and 25-30% effaced with a soft cervix. Not too bad. At least there is some progress. (By the way, have any of you had spotting after a pelvic in late pregnancy (or anytime in pregnancy for that matter)? I think it is pretty common, but bleeding of any kind I don't really care for.)

I had spoken to him previously about not wanting to go past my due date. I have a few reasons why. First, my blood pressure has been slowly creeping up in the last week or two. I test my urine everyday and there have been no proteins present, so that is good. And I have had no other signs of pre-eclampsia (headaches, swelling, etc.). I think it is the pregnancy slowly taking a toll on my body. My numbers aren't that bad, just different than they usually are. Because of this, he ordered some blood work for me today. If that comes back fine, he isn't very concerned unless my BPs shoot off the charts, then they would just deliver.

The other reason I don't want to go past is my concerns of a baby too big to fit through my pelvis. I am pretty petite and I don't want to try to deliver a baby that has grown past due and experience complications because of that.

But my main reason is the anxiety going beyond would bring me. We. have. come. so. far. I don't want to push it. I figure, we needed all sorts of medical intervention to get her in there, why not use some medical intervention to get her out. :)

Luckily, today the doctor agreed and we scheduled an induction for next Friday, September 4, my due date. As an added bonus, my doctor will be on call in labor and delivery that day. He picked it because of that. At my hospital, when it comes to doctors, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" (also the mantra in my classroom with first graders). I feel very lucky that he might be able to deliver me. It was also reassuring to know that he scheduled me on a day he knew he'd be there. I must not be that annoying to him. :)

So, there you have it. If I don't go into labor on my own (and my BP doesn't become a bitch), next Friday will be the big day.

The countdown is on.

Seven more days.

I can't believe it.

38 weeks

39 weeks

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A Milestone

I've carried my daughter to term.
I am 37w4d today.

Any extra time now is a bonus for her and a source of anticipation for me. It really is a nerve-wracking experience.

I know I've been told to just relax and enjoy this little time you have left to yourself, the resting and the peace and quiet. And most days, I do. I enjoy it very much. I am sleeping like a champ at night and I take an almost daily nap. That first trimester sleepiness is creeping back in.

There are other times when I just want her here. I feel like I am throwing away the last weeks of being pregnant. This most likely is the only time in my life I will be. I should soak up the feeling of her movements, admire my full belly, and savor the life I have growing inside me. I know I will miss it when she's born. But-to-come-so-far-and-to-almost-be-there-but-not- quite-yet is really getting to me. I want to meet her now.

Yet, we wait. . .
In the meantime, would you like to hear my new worry of the week?

You know you do . . .

I should really wear a sign that says, "Please don't give me too much information because I am neurotic and I will feverishly google whatever numbers, terms or facts you wave in front of me."

At my NST on Monday they started with an u/s to measure my fluid levels. I have usually ranged from anywhere between 12-15 on the amniotic fluid index. The nurses told me anywhere between 5 and 20 is normal. That seems like quite a range, but hey I was measuring in the middle so I didn't care.

This Monday the nurse remarks, "Look at this big pocket of fluid. Look at this thing (as she's pointing to the screen). " I said, "That's the space where she can kick her foot." It's true. I think it's the only space she has left to move in and that leg can really get going. Then she says, "Looks like we don't have to worry about running out of fluid with you." After enough of these damn comments I started to get worried. I said, "Is there too much?" "I don't think so but let's add it up." It was up to 20. High end of normal. The nurse was not concerned and thought it was from my being very well hydrated (as shown in my clear urine sample) and the fact that the baby had probably just peed. The doctor who looked at my NST results didn't care either.

I cared.

I googled AFI indexes and read articles on polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid) and causes for it, including fetal abnormalities. (Won't I ever learn not to do these things?). Most things I read said that anything over 24 is a diagnosis of polyhydramnois although some said 18 and others said 20. And I read that 60-65% of cases of a mild onset are for no real reason. So I think I am okay with it for now. We'll see what it is Thursday. I love all this monitoring, but for someone like me, too much info can be a very bad thing.

Do you see why part of me just wants her here?
On to more fun topics:

The nursery is complete!! If you count empty picture frames as complete that is. I still need to order prints and get the frames filled. Other than that, everything is hung, assembled, painted, organized and ready to go.

So I introduce her nursery. . . and her name. You will see it hanging above her crib in the second picture. It was the name of DH's grandma and I've always thought it was pretty. (I also like names you can shorten. I'm too lazy to call someone a whole mouthful all the time. :)

Maddy for short.

Don't forget the 37 Week Belly:

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Two things have occurred this week that have reminded me like a slap to the face just how infertile DH and I are and how fortunate we are to have come this far. It's not that I've ever forgotten, it just hits me harder at some moments more than others.

The first was at my NST last week when the nurse was making my future appointments. She pulled up my information on the screen and I could see it clearly from my chair. My medical history and diagnoses appeared in a little column. It had my standard, "Chronic Hypertension" and my allergies to medication, but as I kept reading I saw "Diminished Ovarian Reserve" "Poor FSH" (I didn't think 8.8 was that poor- but I certainly didn't respond well to stim meds) and "Primary Female Infertility." Again, I hadn't forgotten any of these interesting tidbits about myself, but it hit me hard when I read them. Pregnancy does not change your diagnosis.

I will always be infertile.

The next moment came this weekend when I read Really Letting Go by Brenda. She is one of the strongest, bravest, most supportive women I have come across in the blogosphere. I know I could have just as easily been in her shoes. Her moving, heartbreaking post brought me to tears and reminded me how evil and unfair IF is.

Go read it and meet a truly wonderful person.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Calling All Lovely Lurkers

I was so happy to receive this award from Michelle.

The rules are:

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs you have newly discovered. Remember to contact the blogger to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Fifteen new blogs that I've recently discovered?! That seemed like quite a feat for me and most of the regular blogs I follow have already received this award. I need new friends to support. So here's what I decided to do.

If you have a blog and are a routine lurker here, consider yourself awarded. All I need in return is a comment from you so I can link back to your blog and learn of someone else's journey with IF (or any other kind of journey for that matter).

If you don't have a blog and are a lurker I urge you to start one sooner rather than later. I can't tell you how many IF blogs I followed before I became brave enough to start my own. It was the best support I have ever found. Finally a place where I felt I belonged and people "got it." It will be one of the best decisions you've made. What better way to start a blog then with an award?

And for my girls who have supported me through my IF, my crazy IVF cycle and my pregnancy- you are truly the best. I still feel like I need support no matter how much closer I get to seeing my daughter. Pregnancy after IF is wonderful, amazing, unbelievable and scary. I could not get through it without you all. If you, my faithful followers, have not received this award, then you most definitely deserve and I pass it to you. I am thankful for you.

Here's to new friends. . .

Friday, August 7, 2009

36 Weeks

Yesterday was our four year anniversary.

We celebrated by getting to see our daughter on an u/s. I had my growth scan and she is estimated at 6 pounds 2 ounces and all the measurements equaled my due date exactly. Something the u/s tech said rarely happens. I'm so glad she's growing on track, despite the high blood pressure meds I've had to take throughout this pregnancy. She's so big now it's hard to get good pictures. We did get a picture of the back of her head and her spine because she was facing away from the machine. She was in a nice birth position. Stay right there please little one. And of course we got another good one of her foot. This is her powerful kicking foot that feels like it will burst out of my side at times.

I had a NST right before the u/s. She was not as active at this one and even juice wasn't helping that much. I guess they got their two movements with good heart accelerations. At one point I heard a strange sound on the monitor for a few seconds. I asked the nurse what it was and she said it was a minor deceleration in the heart rate. I told her she was moving at the time. She said it could be from the baby compressing the cord for a few seconds and it happens all the time. Most people just don't know it happens because they aren't hooked up to monitors. Um. Okay. That's a little too much information for me. And little girl, please stay away from your cord. It's not a toy.

After my appts, DH and I had a nice Italian dinner. I got flowers, a card, and a nice massage. I got him. . . well. . .I got him another day closer to seeing his daughter. This growing a baby is hard work and I have been so tired lately. I did do other things (that did not require shopping)I'm sure he appreciated. . .

I can't believe I am only one week away from what is considered full term. I wouldn't mind if she came two or three weeks from now. I don't know if I want to go four more weeks (or more), not because I feel like I couldn't do it or I'm not up to it, I just want her here and healthy and in my arms so I can see that she is truly real. I don't think my body is doing much of anything to prepare for her arrival though. If I'm having braxton hicks, I don't feel them. I don't think she's "dropped." I doubt I'm dilated or effaced at all (maybe my doc will check on Tuesday). I remember being so scared of preterm labor and cervical incompetence. It is so strange to start hoping for a little contraction here or there, or for my cervix to ripen and open a little. I know she still needs to cook. It's getting hard to be patient.
In other news, I got my second blog award from Michelle! Thanks so much for thinking of me! I need to copy and post and my award and send it on. But I'll save it for another post. I really need some ice cream right now. . . :)

Here are my 35 and 36 week pics:

35 weeks

36 weeks

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

34 Weeks

I had my first NST on Monday. They start with an u/s every time to check the fluid levels. That was a nice bonus. (So far she is still a girl. Whew!) I guess she didn't like being prodded with the u/s wand because as soon as they hooked me up to the monitors she started going crazy. She doesn't like any pressure on her and was punching at the contraction monitor. One of the nurses accused me (jokingly) of having caffeine. So the whole thing was over in 30 minutes versus the hour they scheduled. I hope she performs that well tomorrow.

I sat next to another girl who was having twin boys and was 31 weeks along. We got to chat a little while when the nurses were out of the room. She was pretty young and young acting. While the thought of her having IF treatments crossed my mind, I'm fairly certain she did not. She was just a little too carefree about her pregnancy. Maybe some woman after IF treatments are. I know I, most certainly, am not.
Project nursery is almost complete! DH has been working so hard. We found these inexpensive wooden letters at Kohl's and we got every letter we needed to spell her name except the "y". We are on a hunt. I call every week after they get a shipment and see if it has arrived. My friend has a Kohl's in Alaska and is checking for me too. I also need to find some things to hang on the walls. It's in the "finishing touches" stage. I will post some pictures as soon as it is all done.

We also need to pack a hospital bag and get some still needed items off our registry. (I just realized the other day, I don't have a diaper bag.) Tomorrow I am going to the mall to find a homecoming outfit for her. We have gotten so many clothes and they're all so cute, but none of them seems to be "the one." Plus, I selfishly wanted to be the one to pick it out and buy it. All little girl clothes are adorable. You really can't go wrong. But, the clothes I love the most are ones that look like a miniature adult clothes. Like an outfit I'd wear if I were that small. Those are pretty easy to find for toddlers over one, but almost impossible to find for a newborn infant. I am determined. I am going to check out "Janie and Jack". Do any of you have that clothing store around? Very expensive, but very cute!
Here is a 34 week belly pic. This one was shot at night instead of the morning. I think that is why I seem about to burst in it. Although it really is getting quite big.

The next picture was taken in the nursery with my precious little dog wrapped around my belly. I admit, it is a bit cheesy, but I like it.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A Date With Dr. Delightful (and Wemberly of Course)

On Tuesday I had my 33 week appt with Dr. Delightful. DH came with me and got to meet him for the first time. He wasn't running late so that was nice and he willingly wrote the doctor's note I needed for my maternity leave. He is just the best at answering all my questions with thoughtful, complete answers. You can tell he is very knowledgeable and loves what he does. He teaches at the local UC hospital and he enjoys educating people about medicine. He even said that if I see something on the Internet that I should print it out and bring it with me so we can discuss it together. How awesome is that! DH said I like him so much because he thinks just like me.

I knew I needed a non-stress test at 34 weeks due to being a high risk pregnancy (I take meds for chronic high blood pressure). I was under the assumption (thanks to Dr. H and her short, curt explanations) that it was only one that I would have. Wrong. It will be two every week until delivery. I like the sound of that. I'm all for more monitoring and care. I'm grateful not to be working with all those appointments. I was also not aware that I would get another high resolution u/s at 36 weeks to check the growth. Yay!
Then came the best part of the appt- the time to examine the baby. Instead of getting out the doppler, he motioned to DH and said because he was here (and by now I'm sure he could figure out I'm a bit high maintenance and a worrier) that he would do an u/s instead. I said, "Today?"

It is a whole different experience seeing her on the u/s when she is this big. It is bits and pieces of her body that we made out as he moved around my belly. The resolution was poor and I could not make out much more than her heart and spine (even though he was narrating the whole time). Then we got to her head. It was like one of those pictures you have to stare at in order to see two profiles instead of a vase. When I finally made sense of what was on the screen. I shouted "I see it!" It was the cutest thing. You could make out her forehead, shadows for eyes and a cute little button nose. She had her arm covering her mouth. Dr. D. kept trying to get her to move it by pushing on my belly. He said he wanted DH to see a good picture because he doesn't get to feel her move like I do and he wanted him to feel a part of it all. DH enjoyed this male perspective and felt like he was paid attention to at the appt, instead of ignored by Dr. H. I finally had to stop all the pressure because it started to hurt. I swear the two of them were in their own world and my polite grunts and cries of being uncomfortable were going unnoticed until I said, "It's starting to hurt." Then the surprise u/s was over.
Another added bonus, she was head down. Let's hope she stays that way.
So it seems a pattern with me that every piece of good news and relief I find with this pregnancy is followed closely by a new worry.

What is it this time you ask? (perhaps with rolling eyes)

Well, yesterday I went to a friend's house for lunch and swimming. She was aware that I could not eat processed deli meats, so she went to a deli that hand carves their turkey meat so it comes out looking like what you'd have on your Thanksgiving plate. I thought, "Oh good. I can eat that." I should have heated it up just to be on the safe side, but my preggo brain was getting the best of me. I felt guilty after I ate it, like I did something wrong. I immediately went home and googled (damn) all I could about listeria and cross contamination in delis and all kinds of horrible things. I felt very stupid for even taking such a "risk." The worst part is the incubation period can range anywhere from 3-70 days. There is no rest for the worriers. I'm sure I'll be less crazy with time.
Tomorrow I will be 34 weeks along. Only three weeks until I'm considered full term and only six weeks until my due date. Sooo close. Sooo far away. What a great time to eat a turkey sandwich. . . :)
33 weeks

Friday, July 10, 2009

Why do I do these things?

Dr. Google is a bad, bad man.
Let me start at the beginning. . .

I've been feeling pretty good lately. It has been so nice to have the time off to rest whenever I want. I think I have been relaxing too much because in the mornings I have been feeling very groggy and "out of it." Without work my blood pressure has been pretty low. It normally is anyway with the meds I'm on (even before pregnancy), but lately I don't think I've been able to tolerate it. On Wednesday morning I was trying to get my thank you cards done at the kitchen table when I felt very lightheaded and a wave on nausea came over me. This has happened on occasion due to a dip in blood pressure. I took a reading and it was 97/56. Not unheard of for me, but too low for the moment. I laid down for 5 minutes and felt better. I went to finish my cards and it happened again. I decided to call the nurses in charge of watching my BP and they told me that it is probably time I should lower my dose of meds and to make an appt with my doctor.

So that is what I did. I got to meet Dr. D. as in Dr. Delightful. I loved him! He was so much better than Dr. H. Granted he was an hour late as he was also the on call doctor and three of the other docs (including my own) are out on maternity leave. So it was very busy there. Let me tell you, he was worth the wait. He actually answered my questions with more than one word. He cared about my IF journey to get here. He listened and took notes. We decided to cut my meds in half. I was very happy I was there for low and not high blood pressure. Let's hope it stays that way.

While I was there I got a well baby check too- an added bonus! Her heart rate was 150s-160s and she is still measuring a week ahead. During the exam I asked if he could tell what position she was in. He started feeling around and thought she was slightly transverse (sideways). He didn't seemed concerned and said they can still shift, move and settle until about 36 weeks. And even then we could talk about having them try to turn her (not sure how I feel about that).
So off I went all happy to have gotten an extra exam and that I didn't have to wait a month in between appts and excited about my new doctor.

Then yesterday I did something stupid. . .

I decided to google "transverse lies"

Not a good idea.

Apparently it is rare after 20-30 weeks and even more rare at term (1 in 300). Most babies settle breech or head down. I started to read scary things about reasons why babies stay transverse (fetal abnormalities) or what could happen if you are that way in labor (cord prolapse- where the cord comes down into the vagina and gets pinched). Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I had to call my good friend who is a labor and delivery nurse and ask her about this. She said it is fine if she is that way right now. The only time it is dangerous is if your water breaks and you are dilated enough for the cord to hang down. She also said she has plenty of time to turn and asked how the doctor determined her position. When I told her it was through a manual exam not an u/s, she said he was probably wrong anyway. As far as the fetal abnormalities she has never heard of that. One of them was "water on the brain." She said they would have seen that in the u/s. She wasn't concerned, neither was Dr. Delightful, so why am I? Faithful followers, I'm sure you know why. . .

I am working hard on chalking it up to another thing about this pregnancy I can't control and I'll add it to the list of a million other things that can still go wrong. I will try to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and focus on the positive, like how strong I can feel her movements now. The way if feels to see an entire body part move across my belly and how I can't wait to meet her.

We are making some progress on the nursery. We finally got all of DH's stuff out of the extra room and now he needs to paint this weekend and then we can get the furniture set up and things put away. Hopefully in a couple weeks we will be all done.
I'll leave you with some belly pics and "before" nursery pics.

31 Weeks

32 Weeks

DH getting ready to move the computer to the other room. (Don't you love the Coors Light box doubling as an extra trash can? Classy!)

Testing paint colors

The one cute thing I had to put together and see how it looked.

And finally, my poor doggy. He's not happy with all the changes going on in our house. He likes things the same.

He doesn't know what he is in for. . .

Monday, June 29, 2009

30 Weeks

Let's see. . . what's been happening?

The Sunday after my last post was Father's Day. I got up early and got DH his favorite sinful treat of donuts and coffee. (While I was there I picked up a few for myself. :) I also gave him two cards. One from our dog (I couldn't resist. It had a picture of a wiener dog that looks just like ours on the front that said, "Happy Father's Day from the one who worships the ground you walk on and tries not to pee on it."), and one from the baby and I. He also got to open a gift. It was two UCLA baby outfits (where he went to school). He was very touched that I thought of him. We spent the rest of the day on my dad's patio boat with family and some friends. It was a very nice day.

Saturday I had my second baby shower with family and friends. Everything was so well done and I got many things I needed. DH's dad bought our crib and mattress a while ago, his sister and my MIL bought our glider (and had it assembled at the shower for me to sit in), my mom got us our bedding, my brother and his fiance got us our car seat, and my friend got us the snugrider snap and go bottom to use as our stroller. So, all in all we did really well with big items. There is still a lot more to purchase so DH and I have to prioritize what we need first and just take things from there. We are still trying to clean out the guest room. We made significant progress this weekend as we hauled some old furniture to the dump, found a great deal on some bookcases I needed, and picked out paint colors. I was waiting for the bedding before I could begin. I will take pictures as soon as the big things are done and see what you ladies think. I hope it all comes out looking like it does in my head. My head is a scary place and hard to recreate in real life. :)

My grandma came down for my shower and I am going with her and my mom to see "My Sister's Keeper" and have lunch today. I've read the book and am expecting a real tear jerker. But then again, everything makes me cry these days.

Then tonight is our second of five childbirth preparation classes we signed up for. These are really not DH's favorite. He says, "Why do you have to take classes? Are they going to refuse to deliver your baby if you don't have a certificate of completion or something?" He knows it means a lot to me so he goes. Every night there is a film which I'm sure is the highlight of his evening. During the one last week I could hear him mumbling "Oh my God!" right before the birth. I found it amusing. A lot of ladies were crying but I was too busy laughing at poor DH. In my mind I've decided I will most likely get a c-section. I don't really know what's led me to believe this. I think it's because I am so petite I am afraid she won't fit through or I am convinced she'll be breech (or is it breach?), or who knows what other scenario. I think it comes from the fact that I couldn't get pregnant "naturally", so how in the world would I be able to give birth that way. I feel like these classes are the closest I'll get to a vaginal birth.

I posted a full body shot this week because just the belly looked strange. Like a gigantic blob or something. . .30 weeks!

Friday, June 19, 2009

29 Weeks

This morning I had my 29 week checkup and last appt with Dr. H. Today was her final day before her maternity leave started. She was really dragging and tired, but I was able to get some good care out of her.

Here is a rundown of my appt:

Heartbeat: 150s-160s (seems normal for her)
Fundal Height: 30 cm (one week ahead- I'm glad. I was worried she wasn't growing)
Position: Head down (for now)
Harry the Hemorrhoid: Not a hemorrhoid!

After an exam by the doctor (just what she wanted to do on her last day) it was found to be a rectal prolapse. (TMI Warning) It is where a part of your inner ass (or rectum scientifically speaking) is hanging out. This can be caused from the growing pressure of your uterus and from the weakening of the anal muscles from all the progesterone. Mine had been prolapsed for so long (a week) that it had developed ulcers and was bleeding and now has some scar tissue formed on it. Fucking lovely! The best part is, I get to try to pop it back into place every time I visit the bathroom. Oh Harry, you and I will get to know each other so well! She said eventually with consistency and time, it will stay in place on its own and should be fine after pregnancy. If someone out there is lucky enough to experience this little pregnancy gem, I hope my blog can help them feel not so alone one day. I never thought I'd get to know my asshole so well . . . Oh well, a small price to pay.

My next appt is not for another four weeks. I thought at this time you started going every two weeks. Whatever. I am doing so much at home monitoring that we can catch a problem better than going every two weeks to the doctor anyway.

I had myself really worked up for this appt and I don't know why. Every week I'm still pregnant feels like such a blessing. I can't believe how far I've come. But Wemberly is ever present and I don't know how to make her go away. I don't think she will until I am holding a healthy baby girl in my arms. And even then, who am I kidding? I hear this is where the true worry begins. I'm hoping the joys outweigh the worries. I am sure they will. I can't wait to find out. . .

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Hello Third Trimester!

Hello burning, fiery, hemorrhoids from hell!

(*Warning: This post contains complaining and TMI*)

First the good news.

I've made it to the third trimester!

I'm done with work until hopefully January!

Now for the complaining part. . .

For those of you who read my blog on a regular basis, you will know that I have not complained about this pregnancy. I have analyzed every symptom to see if it was normal, but I have not complained. I am still not complaining about the pregnancy. I love being pregnant. What I don't love is what showed up on my asshole this week.

I blame it on "Field Day" at work last Wednesday. I was on my feet literally the entire day until about 7 pm. I was tired, but okay. That night I noticed it was uncomfortable to sit at the dining room table for dinner. I thought, I've had an internal hemorrhoid or two before, maybe it's just a flare up. I went to bed thinking nothing of it. That night I could feel searing pain every time I flexed my poor butt muscles. You don't realize how much you do this until it hurts.

I woke up the next morning to a kidney bean sized friend hanging out of my ass. I call him friend in the loosest sense. He's really a fiery hot bastard that causes me pain at every fucking movement. I just about cried Thursday and Friday. I could find no relief unless I laid on my side and didn't move AT ALL. I tried everything, warm baths, cool compresses, tucks pads, suppositories, and finally a little relief with the cream. I say a little relief because now I could walk without waddling. Perhaps this is why some preggos waddle, their butts hurt.

From all the research I could find, there is not much more I can do. Eventually, after pregnancy, if it doesn't go away they can surgically remove it. Yikes! Looks like my friend might be here a while. In that case I've decided to name him, "Harry the Hemorrhoid." Yesterday I started to feel even more relief as he started oozing blood (I told you this was TMI). Maybe he is on the way out (for now). I think not working anymore and getting more rest will help keep him at bay.

Otherwise. . . I am feeling fine. I started testing my urine for proteins this week due to my chronic high blood pressure. I still take my BP twice a day and nurses call once a week for my readings (which so far, knock on wood, have been fine). And I started my kick count card. I hope I am doing it right. When you lay down and really concentrate on movements, you can feel all kinds of flutters and slight movements, which they say counts. I am always hesitant to record them, but in the end I do. The first night it took 40 minutes, last night it took 20 minutes. I am so glad to be done with work so I can focus on all my prenatal chores.

Belly pic time:

27 weeks

28 weeks

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Open Mouth Insert Foot or Dumb Ass Fertile Comments

This morning in the staff room one teacher was talking to another about a pair lesbian mothers that she knows who had IVF (she pronounced it "in vertro") done with one mother's egg and a sperm donor. She then went on to say something that made no sense. The embryo (she actually just called it an egg) split in two and each mother carried an identical twin and they were born five months apart. WTF? Anyway, I was keeping my mouth shut. They weren't talking to me and I was too tired to explain how they were presumably not identical (that kind of thing doesn't happen before transfer right?) and if they were born five months apart, one of the embryos must have come from a FET.

I tried to stay out of it until the coworker listening to the tale turned to me and said, "How can that be that they're five months apart?" (A rhetorical question I'm sure- This lady had no idea I did IVF) So I answered, "One was probably frozen." She then comes back with, "That's weird isn't it? It's not natural. It's sick."

Now I was going to bite my tongue because she has always been nice to me and people are so naive/ignorant to the process of IF treatments. I was doing okay (even though my tongue was bleeding) until she got to "It's sick" and then I lost it (at least on the inside). I could feel that rush of adrenaline you get when you can feel the anger coursing through your body.

I said, "What's sick?"

"The whole thing."

"You think in-vitro is sick?"

"No, no not in-vitro just the whole freezing thing." (trying very badly to back peddle)

I must have a look that spoke volumes. I can't hide any emotion on my face.

"I think the technology's amazing."

"Now I've offended you. I didn't mean to offend you. (Blah, blah, blah.)"

"You know my baby was the result of IVF."

"No I didn't know that, but I realized you must have when you reacted the way you did. I'm sorry."

I could tell she felt like shit but I didn't care. People ass-ume too much. Maybe the pregnant woman sitting next to you did go through IVF. You don't know. Even if she didn't, she might know someone who did. Think a little. And for my dumb ass coworker telling the story, get your facts straight and don't talk about things you don't know.

It was not a pleasant way to start my morning. It brought back a flood of IF memories and rude, thoughtless comments. I need to share my struggles more. I need to open my mouth more. I owe it to myself and everyone else who has struggled with IF.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

26 Weeks

Words I never thought I'd see:

My whole work shower experience was so surreal (and wonderful). I kept feeling like I was at someone else's baby shower. Everything was so nicely done and I got so many things I needed. I realized we have so much to do to prepare our home. All of the presents are shoved into a corner of the dining room. DH and I spent last weekend trying to clean out the closets in the master bedroom so he has room to move all of his stuff in. He currently has all of his things in the other room that I want to convert to the nursery. We are trying to downsize from one room to two and it's not easy after living together for almost 8 years. I want to be past this yucky reorganization part and get to the fun decorating/nesting part. We have a ways to go. . .

Two more weeks of work to go before summer break. I can't wait. I am so ready.

Pregnancy wise, I'm trucking along. I love to feel her move. When she kicks me hard I giggle every time (unless she kicks my cervix-then it's not so funny). It's amazing to me. The other night in bed, DH got to feel some big rolls instead of just punches or kicks. It was very alien-like. It's those times where it hits me that someone else is inside me. I get so spoiled in those movement periods. I want to feel them constantly, 24 hours a day, but I know that doesn't happen yet. I try not to worry when I don't feel her move. The movements have been progressively increasing as the weeks go on. The more I get, the more I want though. (Damn you Wemberely!) My doctor doesn't have me doing a kick counts until 28 weeks. I try to remind myself that it is then you can feel them consistently enough to measure. And that is still two weeks away.

Here are my 25 and 26 week belly pics:

25 weeks

26 weeks

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Who wants ice-cream?

I do!
And luckily, I can eat some. . .I passed my glucose screening test. I am very happy to eat my sugar in peace.

The rest of my 24 week appt also went fine. Her heart rate was 150s to 160s and you could hear her moving around. My fundal height was right on for 24 weeks. I hope she continues to grow on schedule.

I found out that my doctor is leaving when I am 29 weeks for maternity leave. I had no idea she was pregnant. My first thought was "Oh no, I've had a doctor with preggo brain this whole time and I didn't even know it!" (This is a real phenomenon that I didn't believe could happen to me until about a month ago. I take pride in my great memory and now I just feel stupid and forgetful.) I guess her scrubs hid it well. I'm not too broken up about it. I didn't like her that much anyway. There are other doctors there I can choose from. I have one more appt with her and then I'm done with Dr. Coldfish.

I met with a nurse today to "teach" me how to take my blood pressure at home. For those who don't remember, I had chronic high blood pressure before I became pregnant. No real reason why and I tried everything I could in my power to get it down without meds but to no avail. I have been taking Labetalol this whole pregnancy. I'm not too happy about having to do that, but the pros outweigh the cons here. So far it has been working and my BP has been great. I know the farther along I get that could all change, so we are keeping a close eye on it. I have been faithfully taking my BP twice a day anyway, but now I need to record it and report it to a nurse who will call and check up on me once a week. Three weeks from now (at 28 weeks- I'll be 25 weeks tomorrow.) I'll have to dip a protein reading stick in my urine every morning to make sure there is none present. I kind of like all the monitoring and recording. I'm somewhat anal and this is right up my alley. I'm all about staying on top of things. The appt was long and I didn't hear anything I didn't already know, but I'm glad to know they care.
We finally registered last Saturday. I'm glad that chore is done. I tried to research everything ahead of time so I could go through the store as quickly as possible. I could have done most of it online, but it helped to be able to see the actual items. I think we made some good choices.
DH and I went out to dinner last night to celebrate my 33rd birthday. When we got home, the crib we ordered had arrived along with a Moby wrap my friend shipped me for my b-day. It was fun having it all arrive yesterday. I still need to order the bedding set. There is still a ton to do but (for me at least) I have taken big steps this last week.
I never had a chance to write about my Mother's Day. DH was sweet and bought me flowers and a card. It was nice of him to think of me. Our mothers enjoyed the breakfast. I've included a picture along with my 24 week belly shot.

Mother's Day

24 weeks

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

It's a Dance Party!

In my uterus. . . and you're all invited.

Okay, maybe not all of you. One baby is enough.

She has been kicking my cervix for a few weeks now. It's mostly a strange sensation that never really hurt, but felt oddly uncomfortable. Yesterday she kicked me hard (in the middle of class) and this one hurt! I shouted, "Ow" and 20 kids whipped their little heads around. I said, "Oh I'm fine." And by that time I was. It was a short, swift, stabbing pain. It was very similar to when your cervix gets hit during sex, but from the other side. I felt pretty sure that was all it was, but I called a nurse just to be sure. She confirmed what I thought.

How big is she? I'm only 23 1/2 weeks and it already hurts when she kicks. What am I in store for? She kicks me in the butt, the cervix, the belly button, the sides, everywhere.

I feel like she's freakishly strong for her age. I am so glad she's active, but I can't help from thinking, "What will the next several weeks be like?"

My next OB appt is Friday. I'll only be 24 weeks, but they are already making me take the glucose test. I really hope I don't fail (can't I just study for it?). I love carbs! I am completely addicted to them and no meal seems satisfying unless I've had them. Oh well, I guess we'll see what happens.

Here's the 23 week belly:

Monday, May 4, 2009

Just Checking In

I don't have too much to say.

Here are some random ramblings:

Work is still busy as we prepare for Open House next week. It's basically a "dog and pony" show for the parents, with lots of projects, artwork, and crafts for kids to show off. For the teachers, it's exhausting. I'm such a weenie. I don't want to stand on any chairs, tables, or counters to hang things, which makes getting the room ready a real challenge. I have to rely on my teacher's aide to help me and she is only here four hours a week. I honestly don't even really care this year. I just want to get the next few weeks over with and have my summer break.

Got swine flu? I hope not. One of the schools in our district had to shut down for a week because two kids tested positive for it. I'm sorry, but that's a little too close for comfort. I am hoping it isn't as bad as the media makes it out to be. I think everyday I walk into a classroom of six year olds, I am taking my chances of getting the cold or the flu. Hopefully the stakes aren't any higher now. Again, looking forward to June.

Planning Mother's Day stressed me out this year. Most years, DH and I make a brunch for our mothers (who get along very well). It's always been nice, but this year I wanted to go out for a change. After some research I realized just how much places jack up their prices for this "holiday." My expectations were too high as I wanted a restaurant in the wine country around us or on a nice golf course. Unfortunately, these are flippin' expensive. So I was in an internal pickle. I didn't want to budge on brunch out, yet I didn't want to pay those prices. I was determined to find a deal. Finally I did! We found a place on golf course with great views and a heated patio if needed. Instead of a pricey brunch, we can just order off the menu. There will be 10 of us total-my mom, DH's mom and my SIL's mom plus their families. Somehow, all the planning fell on me. I told DH he could do it next year (even though he was a big help this year).

On the pregnancy front, I am a little over 22 weeks. My coworkers are planning a shower for me at the end of this month. It's a little sooner than I'd like, but with school getting out in June, they don't have much choice if they want to give me one. It feels so strange to talk about my shower. This is all still so unreal. I never want to get my hopes up and dive in to this thing head first. The worry still gets in the way. I told them I am not registering until May 16th. I'll be 24 weeks and will just have had a dr.'s appt. This guarantees nothing of course, but I don't think I'll ever be in a place where I feel safe. Someday you have to take the plunge, let go and enjoy. Maybe tomorrow. . .

I guess I had more to say then I thought.

22 Weeks

Sunday, April 26, 2009

21 Weeks

Work last week was really busy for me. Okay, not really busy in comparison to others' jobs, but really busy for lazy ol' me. Mostly it involved going to night functions after my work day ends. (Which for me is 3:15 or as soon as I can lock my classroom door and get to the parking lot. If I don't have a dreaded staff meeting.) I didn't realize how much I count on going straight home and relaxing. Anything more and I realize that I don't quite have the energy I thought I did.

Tuesday I had to do a phone bank. It's where you call people who live in our district and encourage them to vote for a parcel tax that is going to give money to our poor California school. It reminded me why I never thought of going into telemarketing. Luckily most people weren't home or weren't answering their phones so I finished pretty quickly.

Then Wednesday I had to come back to school for the "Read and Scoop" night which encourages families to buy books from the book fair and offers free ice cream. Teachers were encouraged to either read a book or scoop ice cream. I am not into manual labor so I choose to read. I sent all my children subliminal pot smoking messages and read them "Puff the Magic Dragon." (Kidding about the pot message, but I really did read that story). I love that song and the book comes with a CD so at the end I played that as well. I got a personal copy so I can play it for my daughter.

They talk about how important it is to read and sing to your baby in utero so she gets used to your voice. Thanks to my chosen career, I'm all set. That's what I do- read to kids. And everyday we play at least one song to sing. (Usually it's a patriotic song after the pledge. I should play her the CD when she's born and see which ones she recognizes. Not your common nursery songs, but hey, they'll do.)

I can feel her moving more and more now. I can tell when she's rolling, kicking, punching, or her new favorite hobby- stomping on my cervix. ("Hey sweet daughter, please don't do that. It needs to stay shut.") Yesterday DH finally got to feel her too. We were laying in bed and he just kept his hand there. She wasn't kicking until then. Then she gave him a good one and then another. He was so tickled.

I still worry. I am trying hard not to. My "Worry of the Week" was a UTI. My bladder has felt different lately. The pee doesn't come in a steady stream but it comes in spurts. I have no problem emptying my bladder though. Lately at night I have noticed a slight burning after but it goes away quickly. I had a urinalysis done at 18 weeks after the lack of steady stream and it came back fine, but this week after the burning started I requested another just to be sure. I was scaring myself reading about UTIs and preterm labor. I emailed my doctor to get an additional test. She can be such a bitch sometimes. She emails back, "You could get another test, but did you not trust the last one?" Um, it's been three weeks since then. I think you could develop a UTI in that amount of time. I don't need her lip or condescending attitude. I just wanted to pee in a cup. Stupid me assumed she had ordered the test. When I went to the lab after school, they had no record of it. She had been waiting for a response from me. I didn't think her email deserved a response. Needless to say, I finally got the test done and of course it came back all normal. Don't I look the paranoid ass? Oh well, I'd do it all over again for peace of mind.

I'll leave you with a 21 week belly shot. (I'm sorry. I like to document. I know they are looking all the same to you.)

Saturday, April 18, 2009


Or so I hope. . . I'd love for her to stay in there another 20 weeks.

I had my OB appt Wednesday. I had several aches and pains to inquire about. The bigger I get, the newer the sensations of pulling, soreness, stretching, you name it. I wouldn't mind them a bit as long as someone could guarantee me they're normal. Nothing I said alarmed my OB. I often wonder if anything would. She's always so damn calm. . . I think she's on to my craziness.

Anyway, after I rattled down my list of symptoms and questions, we got to listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. As we were listening we heard a loud boom-type sound. We all jumped- it was loud. The doctor said it was her moving. We then heard several other little bumps on the monitor. (I couldn't feel anything at the time.)

Finally, at the end of the appt, I had to ask about our u/s results. She said everything looked fine and her anatomy was normal. I would have loved more details, but I'll take that good news and run with it.

My OB is a woman of few words and she is not the warmest soul in the world, (I don't think she really understands pregnancy after IF and the unique worries it brings.) but I am confident she is a good doctor, so I just try to go with that. One thing she is good at is being on time for her appts. and if you email her she gets back to you within an hour or two. For a doctor I think that's amazing and it means a lot to me.

I am feeling her move much more now. Especially in the last few days. Her rolling movements are interrupted with full fledged (gentle) kicks. I wish DH could feel them and to me if feels like they're hard enough that he should be able to, but she is just to little yet. I can't wait until he can share that too.

I've started researching baby things (a little bit). I think I have decided on the crib bedding set and I need to find a crib ASAP because my FIL offered to buy us one and I want to take him up on it before he forgets the offer. :) Maybe after our next appt (in four weeks) I'll think about registering and seriously getting prepared (maybe). . .

(19 weeks)

(20 weeks)


If you haven't already, please stop by Emily's blog and offer your congrats. She just got a long sought after BFP!!!! I'm so happy for her and Sean.

Friday, April 10, 2009

My First Award!

When it rains it pours. I've never received a blog award before and now I am nominated by two people. Thanks Ashely (Go give her your support. She's about to start IVF #1) and Carrie (Go give her congratulations. She's pregnant with twins!)

Rules of The Sisterhood Award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I have been lucky to have many faithful supporters on my IF journey. And these women have stood by my even after a BFP. I appreciate their continued support, comments, and well wishes. Pregnancy after IF is not easy and everyday I worry. These friends help me through it (and have not yet received this award).

1. Mary @ A Hopeful Unicorn
2. Clio @ Dancing with Gaia
3. Chronicles of . . .
4. PJ @ Infertility on the Brain
5. G @ What Doesn't Kill Me
6. Mandibula @ Hoping for Hoberts
7. Shanny @ I Did, I Do, I Will
8. Brenda @ No Regrets
9. Michelle @ Michelle's Message
10. Kat470 @ My Struggles With Infertility

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Was Wrong. . .

She's a girl!!
I was totally shocked to find that out at our u/s today. She gave us a great shot of her girly parts so there is no confusion.

We still haven't gotten the full report back as far as her health, but my parts were being agreeable so far. The placenta is back and away from the cervix and the cervix itself was closed and measured 3.9 cm. Our baby weighs in at 11 oz. and is measuring exactly 18w5d (which I am). She was opening and closing her hand and trying to grab onto the umbilical cord. DH and I only got to see her at the end of the whole appt. because the tech had the screen to her for the first 45 minutes taking measurements and getting pictures for the radiologist to read. After that though, the tech was really nice and showed us different views of her and we got some really great pictures.

I was pretty worked up last night worrying that they'd find an empty sac and tell me I've just been getting fat, or the baby wouldn't have a heartbeat, or any other numerous worries I went through. Wemberly and I were BFFs. Of course, I won't fully be able to relax until the final report, but it made me feel better to see her moving around in there.

Now, I know I am pretty biased, but I think she's cute already:

She's got big feet like her daddy.

DH and I went to Yosemite National Park last weekend with my MIL. We stayed for two nights took some leisurely strolls, ate some great meals and just relaxed. While we were there we made our first baby purchase. Little socks that say "Bears say Grrr." We also went to the mall today after finding out the sex and bought a couple of onsies that I thought were very cute. Having a girl is going to be draining on my pocketbook, although nothing about her has been inexpensive so far anyway.
(This will count as my 18 week belly shot too)
And I am so honored! I've been given my first ever blog award by two friends. Thanks Ashley and Carrie! In my next post I'll pass it along. . .

Sunday, March 29, 2009

"Dreams", "Is that Gas?" and "My DH"

Last night I had a second dream about my baby. I've had several dreams about pregnancy, but only two about my actual child. The first one was shortly after I found out I was pregnant. In the dream I could see inside my body and into the uterus. It was decorated like a nursery in there with a crib, mobile, and other accessories. My baby was floating around in there in a onsie and it was a boy.

In my most recent dream, I was actually giving birth and it was also a boy. I was amazed how cute he was and he was reaching his arms out to me. For some reason the nurses were not taking him to clean and wrap him and DH was worried he was getting cold so I had to snuggle him on my chest to keep him warm. The second part of the dream involved taking him home and forgetting to feed him, not having any diapers in the house to change him, and having done nothing to prepare for him. I know that part was my subconscious talking. . .

So, needless to say, I am leaning heavily towards guessing it's a boy. I will be quite shocked it if it's a girl, but happy none the less. I really have no preference.

Welcome to this week's fixation: Fetal Movement

Have I felt my baby move?

The answer is. . . yes, no, maybe? I have no idea.

People say it's like a fluttering sensation or bubbles or popcorn popping. If that's the case, I've felt this baby move even before I was pregnant because that sounds like a description of gas to me!
Sometimes I think I can tell the difference and I feel a more profound small pounding sensation. Then I think, "No stupid, It's probably the bean burrito you finished off for lunch."

One night last week I was convinced it had to be the baby. I have been really enjoying the tomatoes, basil and mozzarella cheese combination. I decided to put it all on french bread and grill it for a panini. There was a ton of tomatoes on it. It was yummy. That night I was having yet another dream where my stomach was fluttering. I woke up and felt it for real. I think the baby was pissed in there. I could feel my uterus moving like it was pounding me from the inside with its fists and legs. I then got the worst heart burn I've ever had.

Because I'm twisted, I wanted to recreate the situation a couple nights later to determine what I really felt. I sat down to eat my tomato, basil, mozzarella salad and I couldn't finish it. It no longer tasted good to me. I don't think I can eat it again for a long time. Isn't that strange?

And finally (because this post has really been for me and my memories) I want to share how much DH has embraced this pregnancy. The larger I get, the more real it becomes for him. Whereas I still feel silly to do it at times, he'll talk to him/her at night before we go to bed. He rubs my tummy and says goodbye to the baby before he leaves. Even though he is the most affectionate, loving man I know, I never knew how he'd respond to an unborn child. It touches me every time.

17 Weeks

Saturday, March 21, 2009

16 Weeks

Yesterday marked 16 weeks.
I am awaiting my next u/s on April 8th. I really could care less what sex it is. All I want to know is if it's growing and developing properly. We are going to find out whether it's a girl or a boy though. I've had enough suspense surrounding this pregnancy. I'm ready to find out all I can about my baby.

I finished parent-teacher conferences this week. That's always a relief. Almost all my conferences started off with parents asking, "How are you feeling?" My favorite pat answer, "Better than a month ago."

I made an attempt last weekend to do something to prepare for this baby. My friend S. (preggers with #2) and her a 1 year old took me to the store of all stores. The store that still gives me anxiety, Babies R Us! I wanted her to orientate me to all the needs of an infant. Boy do they need a lot of shit! I was listening closely for the first few aisles or so, then my eyes started to glaze over and I was adding up costs in my head. She told me to just register for everything and then check craigslist and e-bay for the stuff I don't get at the showers. I didn't write anything down and I'm sure I'll need a second tutorial before I register. I just wanted to get a start. It's kind of like I do in the summer when it's time for me to go back and get my classroom ready for the next year. I need one day where I just go in my room and sit and stare at everything, get overwhelmed and walk out. I'm always so much better after that.

I know a lot about getting pregnant, and being pregnant. I know nothing about what comes after that. . .

Getting bigger.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Belly Fascinations

I was just reading a post by Carrie at Tubeless in Seattle regarding the way people stare at the bellies of women of childbearing age and analyze every roll of fat or bout of bloat for a sign of pregnancy. It's been done to me countless times in the past, before TTC, during TTC, during IF treatments, and of course now during early pregnancy.

A couple of years ago, I must have been in need of an ab routine because on two occasions parents of children at my school stopped me to ask if I was pregnant. Well, actually one said, "Is that a pooch?" (Yes it is. I just had a big lunch. Thanks for asking bitch!) and the other one pointed to my stomach and asked, "Is there a baby in there?" (Not that I'm aware of you ding dong!). Granted I am a petite person and any weight I gain goes straight to my middle and shows up instantly against my otherwise small frame, but give me a freaking break! How rude.

People at work (parents mostly, some staff) have been studying my stomach since I got married. I think many people must have figured I have the longest gestational period known to man and have been perpetually stuck in the early second trimester for years. Keep 'em guessing. That's what I've done.

I've got them all fooled now. Even thought I've told some staff at work, and the parents in my class, I'm sure not everyone has heard. People who don't know are really confused now. They stare at my swollen abdomen and don't know what to say. I let them sweat it out and just smile.

Yesterday a random parent was brave and said, "You're going to have a baby." (Thanks for letting me know!) and then proceeded to rub my stomach! She said she didn't know until today when she saw me walking to the bathroom. She thought I was normally so small that I had to be pregnant. Could you imagine the horror I would have ensued if I hadn't been? Damn people get some manners!

Even those who know, stare and touch. It's strange. For so long I tried to suck in my gut and wear shirts that hid my pooch and tried to avoid looking pregnant at all costs. Now that my belly is once again a fascination (and for a good reason I suppose) I find it hard to adjust. It is the first thing people say about me know when I walk into a room. My TTC and IF journey have been my private matter for so long now that if feels odd to have people discuss my pregnancy so openly.

Please don't get me wrong. I love being pregnant and all the changes it brings to my body and my life. I am just adjusting to a new world I never imagined I'd be a part of. . . belly fascinations and all.


My appt on Tuesday went well.

It was actually very quick. They checked my blood pressure. She answered my list of questions and then she found the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was in the low 160s.

I was a little afraid to step on the scale but so far I've gained just 5 1/2 pounds. I think it has all gone to my belly (as it always has).

I told her about my cervical concerns. She says she's never seen a previous D&C be the reason for an incomplete cervix. I asked her if I had one if it would be dilating already. She said not at 14 weeks. She also said the reason for the vaginal/cervical pain was probably round ligaments that run down through your vaginal walls and out through your inner thighs. I decided to let it go and not make her check my cervix (I was fully clothed at the time anyway). If it was shut at 11 weeks, I'll ass-ume it was still shut at 14 weeks. I felt better knowing they will routinely check it at my 18 1/2 week u/s, which is scheduled for April 8th.

Here's the15 week belly everyone in my real life has been fascinated with (not much bigger than last week I think. . .).

Saturday, March 7, 2009


There's a children's book called Wemberly Worried and I read it to my class every year. The character is a little mouse who worries about everything. My favorite part is when she worries that everyone will be a butterfly in the Halloween parade. When she arrives, she realizes there are no other butterfly costumes. Then she worries because she is the only one.
Infertility has made me a Wemberly. . .

I don't want to be a Wemberly.
Now that I've hit the second trimester, I've found a new set of things to obsess over. My recent one- cervical incompetence.

Where did I come up with this one you ask? A couple days ago I was sitting on my hard chair at my desk and I felt this cervical/vaginal twinge/pain. It only lasted a few seconds, but from then on the rest of the day I was acutely aware of my lady parts. And I felt/imagined them to be sore. From what I read from Dr. Google, cervical incompetence usually is associated with no feeling or pain. Your cervix just spontaneously dilates without contractions. (Oh, and only 1/100 women present with it. What makes me think I'm so special?). A previous "traumatic" (they dilated you too quickly) D & C puts you at higher risk. I've had a D&C before when I was 19 for extremely heavy and irregular periods (see, I've never been normal "down there"). How do I know if it was traumatic or not? I don't.

Does the logical part of me think I should even let this be a worry right now? Of course not. But the tragic thing I found from this is that they let women go through one, two, or three previous second trimester miscarriages before they consider you at risk for it. How hard is it for doctors to check your cervix at each appt.? It's something that isn't usually done until the end of third trimester.
You can bet your ass, my doctor will check mine on Tuesday at my next appt. Whether she wants to or not. I will just need to explain to her I'm an IF patient. We worry more than the rest and if she can't understand that then maybe I need to find a new doctor. One that specializes in treating Wemberlies.
Stay tuned for my next "Worry of the Week". . .

Now onto better topics.

14 Weeks

I've loved being able to look down and see my pooch. I catch the kids in my class staring at it too. I have been popping out quickly. I think it's because my abs weren't toned in the slightest before pregnancy and with my small frame there is no where for anything to go.

And my least favorite reason I'm getting big so fast. . . My husband was 11 lbs. 14 oz when he was born (vaginally). They had to break his collarbone to get him out. He comes from a family of huge babies (0n both sides). I'm only 5'2". What's a girl to do?

DH is getting so excited. Seeing me expand has made it more real for him. Last night at dinner he said, "I can't wait to shop for baby clothes." I almost choked on my sandwich. I thought it was so cute. I never thought I'd hear that sentence come from him.

Meanwhile, I've done nothing to prepare for this baby. Nothing, nada, zilch. No thought has been given to childcare. I haven't purchased a thing. I haven't researched car seats, cribs, or changing tables. I haven't even browsed a baby aisle. That is not like me. I am a person who is prepared and organized.

I feel my only job right now is to grow a healthy baby.

All the rest will fall into place.