Sunday, October 11, 2009
I have learned so much about myself and life during my struggle through infertility.
My heart is strong. It has the strength to endure multiple feelings of failure, multiple disappointments, and ultimately, multiple feelings of elation.
My body is strong. It was put through countless tests, blood draws, injections, and procedures. In the end it was able to carry life; for that I am truly blessed.
My marriage is strong. It was put through one of life's ultimate tests. I learned I have a wonderful husband who will always be there for me. We struggled together and he was with me every step of the way. He gave me the strength to continue and the courage to pick myself up and try again.
My friends are strong. Some of the most courageous, brave, determined, intelligent women I have found in my life have been those I have never met. The world of blogging has allowed me to share in the hopes and dreams of others. It has allowed me to find and give endless support. It has allowed me to find a place where I belonged. A place where people "got it."
Infertility is a bitch. It is ugly and unfair. It is life changing no matter what the outcome.
Infertility has made me a better person and for that I am grateful.
*If you'd like to follow my new journey through motherhood you can find me at:
Just Another Motherhood Blog
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I wanted a place I could discuss issues other than infertility and pregnancy. I wanted a place I could share my adventures in motherhood, and I didn't think an infertility blog was the right place to do it. I will still have all your journeys on my blog roll and I will continue to follow. Someday I will be able to comment again. It's hard to type with one hand and feed her with the other. The new blog is pretty sparse to start. You'll see why after reading my first post.
I stand by my decision to continue to blog here about my pregnancy. I did not have a guarantee that I would take home a baby. There was so much that could have gone wrong. I did not feel like I had beat infertility's ass until she was born. We finally have the baby we have always wanted. It is time to move on . . .
I hope you continue to follow. I have made so many friends and have found so much support. I would miss hearing from you, but I would understand. Luckily you can't stop me from following you. :)
Just Another Motherhood Blog
Monday, September 14, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tomorrow we meet you.
Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting our whole lives for.
We already know so much about you.
We know you like sleeping in and sleeping hard like Daddy. We know you get "grumpy hungry" like Mommy and kick and fuss until we feed you. We know how much you like ice-cream and how your favorite thing to do is kick and kick your little foot. We know how much you are loved. You are loved by not just Daddy and Mommy, but your grandma and grandpa, your nana and papa, your three uncles and aunts, and countless friends ready and excited to meet you. We know you will be beautiful because you were created out of love and hope and prayers. We know how much you were wanted. We know we are blessed to have you.
Tomorrow we can hold you and kiss you and see your sweet face.
We can't believe this day is almost here.
We love you sweet Madelyn.
You are a dream come true.
Mommy and Daddy
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Why don't they think before they spew stupidity?
I was talking to a coworker today on the phone. She just had a baby girl four months ago and has been so generous with giving me maternity clothes, baby clothes, a cosleeper, a baby bjorn, the list goes on. She's a lot of fun to hang out with and we have been getting to be friends more than "acquaintances."
She knows of my IVF treatments and her mom and dad went through several IVF attempts before they ended up getting pregnant with her brother and later her, on their own. She also has at least one other friend who has done IVF. Of all my friends, I didn't think she'd be the one to say something so insulting.
We were talking about one of her friends who went through IVF and got pregnant with twins. A few weeks ago she had told me that her friend went into (very) premature labor and lost on of the twins. I asked how her friend and her baby were doing. She said it was really touch and go with the other baby. She sounded sad for her friend and said they have already gone through so much and she hoped this didn't deter her from trying again if something happens to her other baby.
Then she added, "But, this was her second IVF try. Maybe some people's bodies weren't meant to have babies."
Ummm. . . Do you remember who you are speaking to?! Are you saying I am not "meant" to have a baby?!
I got very quiet. Finally I said, "Getting pregnant and carrying a baby are two very different things. Carrying multiples is always more risky. It has nothing to do with her infertility."
Again, poor attempts at back peddling ensued. I really think she had forgotten how I got pregnant.
I initially tried to blow it off as ignorance on her part, but as I was sitting here on the computer I started stewing about it and getting really disappointed in her. It is yet another reminder that no one will ever understand IF unless it happens to them.
I know so many of us have had this kind of experience. I have more than once. I keep thinking it will get easier to hear these comments, but it never does. It hurts every time.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Maddy for short.
Don't forget the 37 Week Belly:
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The first was at my NST last week when the nurse was making my future appointments. She pulled up my information on the screen and I could see it clearly from my chair. My medical history and diagnoses appeared in a little column. It had my standard, "Chronic Hypertension" and my allergies to medication, but as I kept reading I saw "Diminished Ovarian Reserve" "Poor FSH" (I didn't think 8.8 was that poor- but I certainly didn't respond well to stim meds) and "Primary Female Infertility." Again, I hadn't forgotten any of these interesting tidbits about myself, but it hit me hard when I read them. Pregnancy does not change your diagnosis.
I will always be infertile.
The next moment came this weekend when I read Really Letting Go by Brenda. She is one of the strongest, bravest, most supportive women I have come across in the blogosphere. I know I could have just as easily been in her shoes. Her moving, heartbreaking post brought me to tears and reminded me how evil and unfair IF is.
Go read it and meet a truly wonderful person.
Monday, August 10, 2009
The rules are:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs you have newly discovered. Remember to contact the blogger to let them know they have been chosen for this award.Fifteen new blogs that I've recently discovered?! That seemed like quite a feat for me and most of the regular blogs I follow have already received this award. I need new friends to support. So here's what I decided to do.
If you have a blog and are a routine lurker here, consider yourself awarded. All I need in return is a comment from you so I can link back to your blog and learn of someone else's journey with IF (or any other kind of journey for that matter).
If you don't have a blog and are a lurker I urge you to start one sooner rather than later. I can't tell you how many IF blogs I followed before I became brave enough to start my own. It was the best support I have ever found. Finally a place where I felt I belonged and people "got it." It will be one of the best decisions you've made. What better way to start a blog then with an award?
And for my girls who have supported me through my IF, my crazy IVF cycle and my pregnancy- you are truly the best. I still feel like I need support no matter how much closer I get to seeing my daughter. Pregnancy after IF is wonderful, amazing, unbelievable and scary. I could not get through it without you all. If you, my faithful followers, have not received this award, then you most definitely deserve and I pass it to you. I am thankful for you.
Here's to new friends. . .
Friday, August 7, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
DH getting ready to move the computer to the other room. (Don't you love the Coors Light box doubling as an extra trash can? Classy!)
Testing paint colors
The one cute thing I had to put together and see how it looked.
And finally, my poor doggy. He's not happy with all the changes going on in our house. He likes things the same.
He doesn't know what he is in for. . .
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
(*Warning: This post contains complaining and TMI*)
First the good news.
I've made it to the third trimester!
I'm done with work until hopefully January!
Now for the complaining part. . .
For those of you who read my blog on a regular basis, you will know that I have not complained about this pregnancy. I have analyzed every symptom to see if it was normal, but I have not complained. I am still not complaining about the pregnancy. I love being pregnant. What I don't love is what showed up on my asshole this week.
I blame it on "Field Day" at work last Wednesday. I was on my feet literally the entire day until about 7 pm. I was tired, but okay. That night I noticed it was uncomfortable to sit at the dining room table for dinner. I thought, I've had an internal hemorrhoid or two before, maybe it's just a flare up. I went to bed thinking nothing of it. That night I could feel searing pain every time I flexed my poor butt muscles. You don't realize how much you do this until it hurts.
I woke up the next morning to a kidney bean sized friend hanging out of my ass. I call him friend in the loosest sense. He's really a fiery hot bastard that causes me pain at every fucking movement. I just about cried Thursday and Friday. I could find no relief unless I laid on my side and didn't move AT ALL. I tried everything, warm baths, cool compresses, tucks pads, suppositories, and finally a little relief with the cream. I say a little relief because now I could walk without waddling. Perhaps this is why some preggos waddle, their butts hurt.
From all the research I could find, there is not much more I can do. Eventually, after pregnancy, if it doesn't go away they can surgically remove it. Yikes! Looks like my friend might be here a while. In that case I've decided to name him, "Harry the Hemorrhoid." Yesterday I started to feel even more relief as he started oozing blood (I told you this was TMI). Maybe he is on the way out (for now). I think not working anymore and getting more rest will help keep him at bay.
Otherwise. . . I am feeling fine. I started testing my urine for proteins this week due to my chronic high blood pressure. I still take my BP twice a day and nurses call once a week for my readings (which so far, knock on wood, have been fine). And I started my kick count card. I hope I am doing it right. When you lay down and really concentrate on movements, you can feel all kinds of flutters and slight movements, which they say counts. I am always hesitant to record them, but in the end I do. The first night it took 40 minutes, last night it took 20 minutes. I am so glad to be done with work so I can focus on all my prenatal chores.
Belly pic time:
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I tried to stay out of it until the coworker listening to the tale turned to me and said, "How can that be that they're five months apart?" (A rhetorical question I'm sure- This lady had no idea I did IVF) So I answered, "One was probably frozen." She then comes back with, "That's weird isn't it? It's not natural. It's sick."
Now I was going to bite my tongue because she has always been nice to me and people are so naive/ignorant to the process of IF treatments. I was doing okay (even though my tongue was bleeding) until she got to "It's sick" and then I lost it (at least on the inside). I could feel that rush of adrenaline you get when you can feel the anger coursing through your body.
I said, "What's sick?"
"The whole thing."
"You think in-vitro is sick?"
"No, no not in-vitro just the whole freezing thing." (trying very badly to back peddle)
I must have a look that spoke volumes. I can't hide any emotion on my face.
"I think the technology's amazing."
"Now I've offended you. I didn't mean to offend you. (Blah, blah, blah.)"
"You know my baby was the result of IVF."
"No I didn't know that, but I realized you must have when you reacted the way you did. I'm sorry."
I could tell she felt like shit but I didn't care. People ass-ume too much. Maybe the pregnant woman sitting next to you did go through IVF. You don't know. Even if she didn't, she might know someone who did. Think a little. And for my dumb ass coworker telling the story, get your facts straight and don't talk about things you don't know.
It was not a pleasant way to start my morning. It brought back a flood of IF memories and rude, thoughtless comments. I need to share my struggles more. I need to open my mouth more. I owe it to myself and everyone else who has struggled with IF.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The rest of my 24 week appt also went fine. Her heart rate was 150s to 160s and you could hear her moving around. My fundal height was right on for 24 weeks. I hope she continues to grow on schedule.
I found out that my doctor is leaving when I am 29 weeks for maternity leave. I had no idea she was pregnant. My first thought was "Oh no, I've had a doctor with preggo brain this whole time and I didn't even know it!" (This is a real phenomenon that I didn't believe could happen to me until about a month ago. I take pride in my great memory and now I just feel stupid and forgetful.) I guess her scrubs hid it well. I'm not too broken up about it. I didn't like her that much anyway. There are other doctors there I can choose from. I have one more appt with her and then I'm done with Dr. Coldfish.
I met with a nurse today to "teach" me how to take my blood pressure at home. For those who don't remember, I had chronic high blood pressure before I became pregnant. No real reason why and I tried everything I could in my power to get it down without meds but to no avail. I have been taking Labetalol this whole pregnancy. I'm not too happy about having to do that, but the pros outweigh the cons here. So far it has been working and my BP has been great. I know the farther along I get that could all change, so we are keeping a close eye on it. I have been faithfully taking my BP twice a day anyway, but now I need to record it and report it to a nurse who will call and check up on me once a week. Three weeks from now (at 28 weeks- I'll be 25 weeks tomorrow.) I'll have to dip a protein reading stick in my urine every morning to make sure there is none present. I kind of like all the monitoring and recording. I'm somewhat anal and this is right up my alley. I'm all about staying on top of things. The appt was long and I didn't hear anything I didn't already know, but I'm glad to know they care.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Tuesday I had to do a phone bank. It's where you call people who live in our district and encourage them to vote for a parcel tax that is going to give money to our poor California school. It reminded me why I never thought of going into telemarketing. Luckily most people weren't home or weren't answering their phones so I finished pretty quickly.
Then Wednesday I had to come back to school for the "Read and Scoop" night which encourages families to buy books from the book fair and offers free ice cream. Teachers were encouraged to either read a book or scoop ice cream. I am not into manual labor so I choose to read. I sent all my children subliminal pot smoking messages and read them "Puff the Magic Dragon." (Kidding about the pot message, but I really did read that story). I love that song and the book comes with a CD so at the end I played that as well. I got a personal copy so I can play it for my daughter.
They talk about how important it is to read and sing to your baby in utero so she gets used to your voice. Thanks to my chosen career, I'm all set. That's what I do- read to kids. And everyday we play at least one song to sing. (Usually it's a patriotic song after the pledge. I should play her the CD when she's born and see which ones she recognizes. Not your common nursery songs, but hey, they'll do.)
I can feel her moving more and more now. I can tell when she's rolling, kicking, punching, or her new favorite hobby- stomping on my cervix. ("Hey sweet daughter, please don't do that. It needs to stay shut.") Yesterday DH finally got to feel her too. We were laying in bed and he just kept his hand there. She wasn't kicking until then. Then she gave him a good one and then another. He was so tickled.
I still worry. I am trying hard not to. My "Worry of the Week" was a UTI. My bladder has felt different lately. The pee doesn't come in a steady stream but it comes in spurts. I have no problem emptying my bladder though. Lately at night I have noticed a slight burning after but it goes away quickly. I had a urinalysis done at 18 weeks after the lack of steady stream and it came back fine, but this week after the burning started I requested another just to be sure. I was scaring myself reading about UTIs and preterm labor. I emailed my doctor to get an additional test. She can be such a bitch sometimes. She emails back, "You could get another test, but did you not trust the last one?" Um, it's been three weeks since then. I think you could develop a UTI in that amount of time. I don't need her lip or condescending attitude. I just wanted to pee in a cup. Stupid me assumed she had ordered the test. When I went to the lab after school, they had no record of it. She had been waiting for a response from me. I didn't think her email deserved a response. Needless to say, I finally got the test done and of course it came back all normal. Don't I look the paranoid ass? Oh well, I'd do it all over again for peace of mind.
I'll leave you with a 21 week belly shot. (I'm sorry. I like to document. I know they are looking all the same to you.)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I had my OB appt Wednesday. I had several aches and pains to inquire about. The bigger I get, the newer the sensations of pulling, soreness, stretching, you name it. I wouldn't mind them a bit as long as someone could guarantee me they're normal. Nothing I said alarmed my OB. I often wonder if anything would. She's always so damn calm. . . I think she's on to my craziness.
Anyway, after I rattled down my list of symptoms and questions, we got to listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. As we were listening we heard a loud boom-type sound. We all jumped- it was loud. The doctor said it was her moving. We then heard several other little bumps on the monitor. (I couldn't feel anything at the time.)
Finally, at the end of the appt, I had to ask about our u/s results. She said everything looked fine and her anatomy was normal. I would have loved more details, but I'll take that good news and run with it.
My OB is a woman of few words and she is not the warmest soul in the world, (I don't think she really understands pregnancy after IF and the unique worries it brings.) but I am confident she is a good doctor, so I just try to go with that. One thing she is good at is being on time for her appts. and if you email her she gets back to you within an hour or two. For a doctor I think that's amazing and it means a lot to me.
I am feeling her move much more now. Especially in the last few days. Her rolling movements are interrupted with full fledged (gentle) kicks. I wish DH could feel them and to me if feels like they're hard enough that he should be able to, but she is just to little yet. I can't wait until he can share that too.
I've started researching baby things (a little bit). I think I have decided on the crib bedding set and I need to find a crib ASAP because my FIL offered to buy us one and I want to take him up on it before he forgets the offer. :) Maybe after our next appt (in four weeks) I'll think about registering and seriously getting prepared (maybe). . .
If you haven't already, please stop by Emily's blog and offer your congrats. She just got a long sought after BFP!!!! I'm so happy for her and Sean.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Rules of The Sisterhood Award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.
I have been lucky to have many faithful supporters on my IF journey. And these women have stood by my even after a BFP. I appreciate their continued support, comments, and well wishes. Pregnancy after IF is not easy and everyday I worry. These friends help me through it (and have not yet received this award).
1. Mary @ A Hopeful Unicorn
2. Clio @ Dancing with Gaia
3. Chronicles of . . .
4. PJ @ Infertility on the Brain
5. G @ What Doesn't Kill Me
6. Mandibula @ Hoping for Hoberts
7. Shanny @ I Did, I Do, I Will
8. Brenda @ No Regrets
9. Michelle @ Michelle's Message
10. Kat470 @ My Struggles With Infertility
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
We still haven't gotten the full report back as far as her health, but my parts were being agreeable so far. The placenta is back and away from the cervix and the cervix itself was closed and measured 3.9 cm. Our baby weighs in at 11 oz. and is measuring exactly 18w5d (which I am). She was opening and closing her hand and trying to grab onto the umbilical cord. DH and I only got to see her at the end of the whole appt. because the tech had the screen to her for the first 45 minutes taking measurements and getting pictures for the radiologist to read. After that though, the tech was really nice and showed us different views of her and we got some really great pictures.
I was pretty worked up last night worrying that they'd find an empty sac and tell me I've just been getting fat, or the baby wouldn't have a heartbeat, or any other numerous worries I went through. Wemberly and I were BFFs. Of course, I won't fully be able to relax until the final report, but it made me feel better to see her moving around in there.
Now, I know I am pretty biased, but I think she's cute already:
She's got big feet like her daddy.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
A couple of years ago, I must have been in need of an ab routine because on two occasions parents of children at my school stopped me to ask if I was pregnant. Well, actually one said, "Is that a pooch?" (Yes it is. I just had a big lunch. Thanks for asking bitch!) and the other one pointed to my stomach and asked, "Is there a baby in there?" (Not that I'm aware of you ding dong!). Granted I am a petite person and any weight I gain goes straight to my middle and shows up instantly against my otherwise small frame, but give me a freaking break! How rude.
People at work (parents mostly, some staff) have been studying my stomach since I got married. I think many people must have figured I have the longest gestational period known to man and have been perpetually stuck in the early second trimester for years. Keep 'em guessing. That's what I've done.
I've got them all fooled now. Even thought I've told some staff at work, and the parents in my class, I'm sure not everyone has heard. People who don't know are really confused now. They stare at my swollen abdomen and don't know what to say. I let them sweat it out and just smile.
Yesterday a random parent was brave and said, "You're going to have a baby." (Thanks for letting me know!) and then proceeded to rub my stomach! She said she didn't know until today when she saw me walking to the bathroom. She thought I was normally so small that I had to be pregnant. Could you imagine the horror I would have ensued if I hadn't been? Damn people get some manners!
Even those who know, stare and touch. It's strange. For so long I tried to suck in my gut and wear shirts that hid my pooch and tried to avoid looking pregnant at all costs. Now that my belly is once again a fascination (and for a good reason I suppose) I find it hard to adjust. It is the first thing people say about me know when I walk into a room. My TTC and IF journey have been my private matter for so long now that if feels odd to have people discuss my pregnancy so openly.
Please don't get me wrong. I love being pregnant and all the changes it brings to my body and my life. I am just adjusting to a new world I never imagined I'd be a part of. . . belly fascinations and all.
My appt on Tuesday went well.
It was actually very quick. They checked my blood pressure. She answered my list of questions and then she found the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was in the low 160s.
I was a little afraid to step on the scale but so far I've gained just 5 1/2 pounds. I think it has all gone to my belly (as it always has).
I told her about my cervical concerns. She says she's never seen a previous D&C be the reason for an incomplete cervix. I asked her if I had one if it would be dilating already. She said not at 14 weeks. She also said the reason for the vaginal/cervical pain was probably round ligaments that run down through your vaginal walls and out through your inner thighs. I decided to let it go and not make her check my cervix (I was fully clothed at the time anyway). If it was shut at 11 weeks, I'll ass-ume it was still shut at 14 weeks. I felt better knowing they will routinely check it at my 18 1/2 week u/s, which is scheduled for April 8th.
Here's the15 week belly everyone in my real life has been fascinated with (not much bigger than last week I think. . .).
Saturday, March 7, 2009
I've loved being able to look down and see my pooch. I catch the kids in my class staring at it too. I have been popping out quickly. I think it's because my abs weren't toned in the slightest before pregnancy and with my small frame there is no where for anything to go.
And my least favorite reason I'm getting big so fast. . . My husband was 11 lbs. 14 oz when he was born (vaginally). They had to break his collarbone to get him out. He comes from a family of huge babies (0n both sides). I'm only 5'2". What's a girl to do?DH is getting so excited. Seeing me expand has made it more real for him. Last night at dinner he said, "I can't wait to shop for baby clothes." I almost choked on my sandwich. I thought it was so cute. I never thought I'd hear that sentence come from him.
Meanwhile, I've done nothing to prepare for this baby. Nothing, nada, zilch. No thought has been given to childcare. I haven't purchased a thing. I haven't researched car seats, cribs, or changing tables. I haven't even browsed a baby aisle. That is not like me. I am a person who is prepared and organized.
I feel my only job right now is to grow a healthy baby.
All the rest will fall into place.