Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Open Mouth Insert Foot or Dumb Ass Fertile Comments

This morning in the staff room one teacher was talking to another about a pair lesbian mothers that she knows who had IVF (she pronounced it "in vertro") done with one mother's egg and a sperm donor. She then went on to say something that made no sense. The embryo (she actually just called it an egg) split in two and each mother carried an identical twin and they were born five months apart. WTF? Anyway, I was keeping my mouth shut. They weren't talking to me and I was too tired to explain how they were presumably not identical (that kind of thing doesn't happen before transfer right?) and if they were born five months apart, one of the embryos must have come from a FET.

I tried to stay out of it until the coworker listening to the tale turned to me and said, "How can that be that they're five months apart?" (A rhetorical question I'm sure- This lady had no idea I did IVF) So I answered, "One was probably frozen." She then comes back with, "That's weird isn't it? It's not natural. It's sick."

Now I was going to bite my tongue because she has always been nice to me and people are so naive/ignorant to the process of IF treatments. I was doing okay (even though my tongue was bleeding) until she got to "It's sick" and then I lost it (at least on the inside). I could feel that rush of adrenaline you get when you can feel the anger coursing through your body.

I said, "What's sick?"

"The whole thing."

"You think in-vitro is sick?"

"No, no not in-vitro just the whole freezing thing." (trying very badly to back peddle)

I must have a look that spoke volumes. I can't hide any emotion on my face.

"I think the technology's amazing."

"Now I've offended you. I didn't mean to offend you. (Blah, blah, blah.)"

"You know my baby was the result of IVF."

"No I didn't know that, but I realized you must have when you reacted the way you did. I'm sorry."

I could tell she felt like shit but I didn't care. People ass-ume too much. Maybe the pregnant woman sitting next to you did go through IVF. You don't know. Even if she didn't, she might know someone who did. Think a little. And for my dumb ass coworker telling the story, get your facts straight and don't talk about things you don't know.

It was not a pleasant way to start my morning. It brought back a flood of IF memories and rude, thoughtless comments. I need to share my struggles more. I need to open my mouth more. I owe it to myself and everyone else who has struggled with IF.


Carrie said...

GREAT post. People who are lucky enough to be able to get pregnant on their own are not always sensitive. Some are, but comments like "it is sick?" how awful!

I am so glad you stood up for us IN VETERO's and made her realize her mistake.

Big hugs,

PJ said...

People are so ignorant! And stupid for talking about things they have no knowledge about.

Two days left of school here! You?

I posted. Let me know your thoughts!

Michelle said...

I can't help but chuckle reading this. I too CANNOT hide my emotions, even when I think I'm doing soooo well! :) We do not have poker faces! :)

Good for you! People are so ignorant and need people like us to enlighten them. I'm super proud of you! YOU GO GIRL!!! :)

'Murgdan' said...


I hope I get pregnant with a "SICK" badass frozen embryo. I can't WAIT to hand out 'eat shit' looks to ass-umers. :-)

Melody said...

OMG! I can say that I didn't completely understand the process until I started blogging with you ladies, but I NEVER thought it was sick! I am so sorry! I hope you really made her think! I also think it's funny that they are so dumb that they think that can happen with identical twins. UM HELLO! QUite impossible if you ask me.

AmyC623 said...

Oh you have got to be kidding me! That is one insensitive stupid beeeyotch of a co-worker you have, my dear! Good for you for not continuing to bite your tongue!

Ashley said...

I'm so proud of you for sticking up for "us"!!! GO GIRL:)

PJ said...

I think it's considered 13dpo, since it was a 5 day blast transfer.

Kristin said...

Good for you for sticking up for yourself (and us) and putting those two nimrods in their place.

Seriously? The egg split and each mother carried the identical twins but they were born 5 months apart??? Good lord...

I would have probably let them have it... but you did it with grace and with poise.

Way to go!

Emily said...

People drive me nuts. I am sooooo glad you spoke up.
Big hugs!

Infertility is Hard said...

Wow. . . people really are ridiculously insensitive and stupid sometimes. I'm so amazed by it.

G said...

You are a brave and stong woman to stand up for IVF-ers like that! Great job!!

You are right, people open their mouths without having any idea what the hell they are talking about.

Dr Aniruddha Malpani, MD said...

I am a doctor and am very interesting in e-learning to try to help people learn more about IVF and infertility, so they don't make clueless remarks like this !

I'd like to ask you for a favour.

We have published a free e-learning course to help people learn about IVF at

Can you please critique this for me ?

Thanks !

Dr Aniruddha Malpani, MD
Malpani Infertility Clinic, Jamuna Sagar, SBS Road, Colaba
Bombay 400 005. India
Tel: 91-22-22151065, 22151066, 2218 3270
FAX ( India) 91-22-22150223.
Helping couples build families !

PS Read our book, How to Have a Baby - A Guide for the Infertile Couple,
online at !

Read my blog about improving the doctor-patient
relationship at

Mary said...

Ouch. Sick? Really? She said that?

Sorry you had to go through that. That's really sad.