Monday, December 8, 2008


Today started off horribly.

It had been 24 hours since my last check. I thought I was out of dominant follicle territory. I thought wrong. Here are today's results:

Left Ovary: 17
Right Ovary: 12, 12, 11, 11

What the fuck!

One of them shrank! One of them took off! And two of them grew a little bit.

I knew right away when I saw the big one on the screen. Dr. G. said he was willing to let it go and hope the others continue to grow together (THAT IS A BIG PROBLEM FOR ME), as long as my E2 didn't drop or my P4 didn't rise. I said, why would my progesterone rise? Aren't I taking Ganirelix to prevent that? He said yes, but people who are prone to dominant follicles don't always respond to it. Don't I respond to anything?!! What the hell? I'm so frustrated.

He was trying to stay positive, but I just knew I'd be cancelled today. I was really trying to hold it together, but he just sat there talking to me and saying, "Don't worry, you still might have a chance." It was the exact same conversation we had in August right before his nurse called and cancelled me. I felt tears rising. I just kept nodding and trying not to speak. He just kept rambling and would not leave. Pretty soon I couldn't take it any longer. I started to cry right there in the office with Dr. G. and a nurse. I never cry in front of people except DH, and my mom and dad. I am not an overly emotional person. I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I couldn't help it today.

Dr. G: "Oh, you're upset."

Ya think!!!

Pathetic Infertile: "I'm sorry."

Why the hell was I apologizing for being upset?

Background Nurse: "It's okay, we understand."

Do you really?

Dr. G. was trying to be sweet, but he finally got a clue and left. I called DH in the car sobbing and he felt so bad.

Oddly enough, once I got to work I felt better. I think I felt relief. I have been through an emotional wringer at every stinking appointment. Not once could I leave one feeling satisfied with my progress. I have had to stim longer than most people I know at very high doses and I was feeling overwhelmed last night. I felt like I just couldn't go on. So I used work as a distraction and I thought about coming home and drinking (a lot of) wine in front of a fire and not having to think about IF if I didn't want to.

Then I looked at my tests results online. . .

My E2 level rose to 800
My P4 level rose from .5 to .8

I thought for sure when I saw the rise in progesterone that this cycle was a done deal. About an hour later Nurse B. calls and tells me to take the same dosage of meds and to come in Wednesday morning.

What the fuck?

I am assuming that my rise in E2 is the only thing that is keeping me in the game and the rise in P4 must not be enough to warrant a cancellation yet. I hope the ganirelix does it's job and prevents the lead one from ovulating. I hope that the other ones continue to grow ALL TOGETHER.

Honestly though, I've lost all confidence in my ovaries. I've lost almost all hope for this cycle. This is too hard. If I were going to be cancelled again, I would have preferred it be on my second stim check like before. The farther you go the harder it is. Not to mention the amount of money I've spent on meds to stim for 12 or 13 days.

I will go through the motions Wednesday, but I will try to have zero expectations.

I am numb.

I am drained.

I am frustrated.

I am tired.


PJ said...

I was thinking about you this afternoon, wondering how things were going.

Ughhhhhhhh!!! I'm soooo sorry! I know it's maddening!

If I could buy you a margarita to drown your sorrows, I would.

I think last July I made it all the way out the door, and then bawled in the hall and down the elevator and in the main lobby and all the way to the car. Then I'm sure I called my husband and my mom while in the car and while still bawling. It was rough.

I don't get the shrinking thing either. I've had that happen a couple of times. I think sometimes it's maybe a different ultrasound machine or a different doctor, or that it's all sort of subjective. Or all of the above.

I found a lot of solace in being busy, whether it was work or at home. I became a home improvement nut for my mental health last summer.


Emily said...

Crap! Crap! Crap! I am so sorry. This cycle has been one hell of a roller coaster for you. Not one bit of this is fair.

I am hoping and praying and everything crossed that it all works out in the end.

Big Hugs!

G said...

So sorry to hear your news!!!! I don't know exactly how you feel, but I'm positive it sucks the big one :(

Fingers crossed for a wonderful surprise on Wednesday xxxxx

Clio said...

I'm praying that tomorrow brings you better news.
I'm so sorry your body is not responding the way you want it to.

Lisa said...

Oh god, poor you!! I think I would have burst out crying too. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now. This whole thing is so damn frusterating!!! Just know you are doing everything right. You are doing all you can do. You can't blame yourself. And like the doctors said, you never know, you still have a chance. It's not exactly the best cycle you were hoping for, but it's not the worst it could be either. You still have a chance hon, so hang in there and concentrate on the fact that this will all be over soon. you will get there. And one of those eggs could be the one!! It really only does take one. And it's always quality over quantity. I know it's hard, but you still have a chance so don't give up.

We're all rooting for you.