Thursday, December 4, 2008

Emotional

I've been an emotional basketcase.

Last night DH brought me home a brownie that a lady in his office made. It was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted. It was moist and chocolaty and had a peanut butter cup in the middle of it. If there's one thing I love it's chocolate and peanut butter. I had just finished my injection for the evening and I was treating myself to this little piece of heaven when DH said, "That's from the woman at work who never had any kids and is also infertile." I know he meant not a thing by this statement. We talk about IF all the time. Why should it bother me now? Blame it on the meds, but I burst into tears. All I kept thinking was how unfair it was that a woman who is such a good cook doesn't have a child of her own to bake for. Totally irrational, I know, but I couldn't help it. I cried and cried for how unfair this world is. I felt better after. I haven't had a breakdown yet this cycle and I think I just needed to get it all out. Poor DH felt really bad. Then this morning on my way to work, I was listening to some stupid song on the radio and lost it again.

I wish I could blame it on the hormones, but I'm worried that my estrogen hasn't been rising enough. I don't feel like a lot is going on down there. (Most of my "cycle sistas" have moved much faster than me.) I've felt a little bloated and tender in the ovaries, but I haven't had any wet quality cervical fluid (sorry if this is TMI- I think you can handle it). Does anyone else see this as a symptom of rising estrogen during an IVF cycle?

I'm just really worried because tomorrow's appt. is when it was all over for me last time. I am so afraid of what will happen. I know I'll brush myself off and go back for more, but I will be so frustrated and disappointed. How am I ever supposed to get a baby if I can't produce enough mature eggs? I don't want to be stuck at square one.

Here I go getting ahead of myself. I need to calm down. There's nothing I can do about it. I will feel so much better if I can continue past tomorrow. I might have a chance then.

I want a chance.

8 comments:

PJ said...

I think I've finally decided that it's not all my fault. Like, the R.E. is just figuring me out, and I am just more complicated than other people. Here we are on our 4th try, and it's just now that I'm feeling like they understand me. I truly feel like it's a trial by error situation.

Some days I felt like there was massive construction going on down there and some days I felt nothing. Last weekend I didn't feel much and I had a huge rise in estrogen.

This is kind of blunt but, I kind of don't consider myself infertile. If my husband's sperm were normal, we wouldn't have to do IVF and one mature egg per cycle like normal might do it. I think we've just got a tough combination of issues to work with.

I hope you get a blazing good report tomorrow and that you are pleasantly surprised.

Wishing you serenity.

Lisa said...

Oh sweetie, hang in there. this whole ride makes us emtional basketcases. I'm not surprised you broke down. none of this is fair and the hormones aren't helping. Stay strong and get lots of rest. Grow grow grow follies!!!!

Mandibula said...

Today must have been on the calendar, cause DH informed me that my exhaustion must be from my, and I quote, "wide range of emotions you've been showing". What a nice way to call me a hormonal mess! Head up, sumus quod sumus, tomorrow is another day! Fingers crossed for the follies!

Lost in Space said...

I like to call it hormotional. The stress of cycling, the hormones, the fear - they all add to taking us over the crying edge. Do whatever you need to get it all out.

I will be thinking so many good thoughts for you tomorrow and hoping for some great follicle growth with a nice rising estrogen!! Hang in there, sweetie.

Celia said...

Hormotional is the best way I have ever heard of to describe it. Keep your chin up.

Clio said...

Well, maybe your estrogen is rising after all. One of the first symptoms I got was to be weepy all the time. I cry at commercials, songs, anything.
wishing you a good appt tomorrow!

p.s.I love 'hormotional'! thanks Lost in Space! I'll totally adopt the word and use it. ;)

Emily said...

You deserve a chance and I hope you get it!

I hope you are feeling better and today brought better news.

We all have breakdowns - it is inevitable.

Mmmm - choc/pb- YUM!

Infertile Friend said...

Calm down - it will be ok! Breathe! Crying is totally mandatory in an IVF cycle! I hope everything goes well and you get to transfer some beautiful embies!