Yesterday DH and I went wine tasting with my parents, my cousin and his wife who came to visit from out of town. I was looking forward to a day that would get my mind off of the disappointing phone call I had with my RE's office on Friday.
My cousin made the comment that this would be the last trip they could take without the kids for a while. He has two children (9 and 4). So of course, being polite, I ask why. He then pats his wife's knee and says they have another one on the way-not planned. I am happy for them, but with every new pregnancy comes so much jealousy. I feel like it's everyone but me. I have been proud of myself for not letting that get in the way of celebrating with them. I've never minded discussing people's pregnancies, or their children. It is strange that such a happy announcement can make me so sad. I try to get past that feeling. Some days it is easier than others. Yesterday was hard.
I also have two pregnant coworkers, both due this April. I can't help thinking that if IVF#1 had worked, I would have been right there with them. I find one of the hardest places to deal with IF is at work. (The only people who know about our IF is our immediate family and three of my closest friends.) It's not really the fact that as a teacher I'm surrounded by kids. Being a teacher and being a parent are really very, very different. It is the fact that I am surrounded by parents and well intentioned coworkers who constantly ask when I'm going to have a baby. Actually that is not really true anymore. They used to ask more often. It has tapered off.
I came to a realization after talking with a friend of mine I used to teach with (who is aware of our struggles). She is now a stay at home mom. A fellow teacher was talking with her the other day. She used to ask my friend when I was going to have kids. Just the other day she asked if I was "having trouble." This is their logic: I've been married for three years. . . People know I want kids. . . I don't have kids. . .I must be infertile! It irritates me that people make assumptions about my life.
Meanwhile, my AF is back in full force this month. I guess I should start my BCP tomorrow so I can be on track with starting my injections next month. Whatever Dr. G tells me at our consultation on the 23rd, it's not going to stop me from at least giving it one more try. I'm not going to give up that easy.
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11 months ago