Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Pumpkin Patch

Today I took my class to the pumpkin patch. When we arrived it was kids galore: small kids, big kids, medium kids, screaming kids, crying kids, laughing kids, full of snot kids, smelly dirty kids, unruly kids. You get the picture.

Today was one of those days when it felt okay to go home to only my dog and have a little time to myself before DH gets home. Today was one of those days I thought- I can be patient. There are some pluses to being childless. That is today. Tomorrow will be different. I wish I could live in the moment; enjoy my life for what it is right now. I'm always so damn impatient for the next step.

It was that way when I was dating in my early 20s. I was always looking for "Mr. Right." Never enjoying my right now. If I only knew then I'd find him eventually, I could have enjoyed my single, carefree years a little more. All my friends had found "the one." I was still searching. I thought I'd never get where they were. I was always so jealous of their relationships. I thought for sure I'd be left behind.

All my friends have once again moved on with their lives. And once again I am so jealous. They have babies and play dates and mommy groups. I am once again left behind. I wish I knew if I would eventually get where they are. Someday I want to hold my screaming baby and wish I had enjoyed my childless years a little more.

But there is no crystal ball to show me the way. No guarantees of where this journey will lead. All I can do is love my husband, my dog, my family, my job, my life. . .right now.

And today I am enjoying. I should hang out at the pumpkin patch more often.

1 comment:

Robin said...

Hi there! I just found your blog. IF blogs lead you from one to another to another... I remember feeling the way you did about finding a husband. And even when I did find him, I was jealous when other friends got engaged and I wasn't yet. It's hard to stay focused on here and now instead of thinking about what you don't have or may never have. Although, IF is teaching me that lesson every day.

Good luck with your next IVF cycle! My doctor put me on estrogen instead of BCP because it isn't as suppressive. It’s a more aggressive approach and I'm grateful for that. We have our first IVF in November. Like you, we also started this journey because of MI but found out I had my own issues too.

Hang in there! There is joy ahead I’m sure!