Dishing My Dirt

Today was the day I told my boss that am dealing with infertility. I had been pondering whether or not to for some time. I had a couple reasons I needed to get it off my chest.

This summer, I turned down the opportunity to interview with her for the vice-principal position. My old principal had retired and the new one needed a VP. I had tons of support and encouragement from my old boss. She was a real cheerleader for me. I think I could have gotten it. So why didn't I try? Oh that's right, this beast called infertility reared its ugly head.

I was overwhelmed this summer with all things IVF. I just couldn't take the stress of a new career path. And besides, remember the part of me that thought this was going to work? I didn't want to leave my principal high and dry while I went on maternity leave. Oh, so naive!

Now, several months later, the beast is back, and he's going to be my date for the next few weeks (That's if I'm not cancelled after two stim checks again). I needed to let my boss know that I would be taking time off for appointments. As a teacher, you can't just mosey in an hour late and say, "Hey First Graders! How was your morning? Did I miss anything?" I need the help of a colleague to take my class on the days I have appts. My last principal was very understanding of this. I thought this one would be too, but I wasn't sure. I wanted to give her the reason why. And most importantly I needed her to know why I turned down the chance to take the VP position. I am a woman who goes for what she wants (obviously- just look what I'll do for a baby) and the way I've been acting at work lately hasn't reflected that.

I had been dreading talking to her all day. No conversation is harder for me than one that involves telling someone out of the blue that I am infertile. Where do you begin? I had set the appt. with her in an e-mail to discuss something "personal and private." I added, "Don't worry, I'm not pregnant, moving or dying." So when I showed up in her office today she was totally stumped.

It was so awkward. I just started talking. I don't even really remember what I said. I didn't overwhelm her with details. I was very general. To her credit, she was very nice. She's younger than me (29) and single, so she couldn't really relate, but she told me she had a friend who was going through the same thing right now and to just "do what I needed to do." I trust her to be professional and not let anyone know. My last boss would have never found out because she had a big mouth.

I felt some relief letting her know. I always do after I spill my "secret." Once I am out in the open with it, I don't have a hard time talking about it with people. It's just the initial announcement that I can't stand. I don't know why these conversations are so hard for me, but they are. I think I am done for now. No one else should need to know.

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Monday morning is my suppression check. I can't believe it is almost here.

Let the mind games begin!