Thursday, November 13, 2008

A Delayed Reaction

That is what DH is having to all this infertility stuff.

When we first got married, I knew DH's stance on kids. We'd have them, but really only because I wanted them. He knew he wanted to be a father someday, but if he never had any kids he would probably be okay with that too. Once he learned he suffered from MI all that changed. He suddenly wanted what he might not be able to have. Or at least, he suddenly realized he really did want children. After our first cancelled IVF, it got even more intense for him.

He started to notice what I have for years- fertile people are all around us. He got upset when men at work announced their wives were pregnant, he suffered through a couples baby shower (I luckily had other plans), he sees pregnant women everywhere now and has trouble being around our friends with kids. He never used to be like that. Never. Welcome to my world I say.

It all came to a head last night when my friend invited us to dinner this weekend. She and her husband have an 18 month old. I have been her friend for over 12 years. She is not one I'm going to give up on even though she has a kid. For not being infertile, she has tried to take an interest and understand what I'm going through. She is not afraid to ask me questions that other people might feel too awkward doing. She's always been a good listener. When I brought the invitation up to DH he cut me off with a quick "NO." Okaaaaay. . .

Turns out he can't stand couples events with kids anymore. He says it hurts him too much. This couple especially tends to only talk about their baby. So I understand, but I am worried that he won't be able to get over it if it turns out we can never have kids. I don't want to cast off all my friends just because they have children. I think once we know the path our lives will take, he will be able to adjust. But right now he is in the thick of things and dealing with feelings I have been faced with for a long time. It's interesting watching him go through this.

I have become so calloused to the countless times everyday my infertility is waved in my face. Being an elementary teacher is especially fun! Just today we were reading a story about all kinds of families. The book read, "Families have a mother and a father. Families have children." Children was one of our high frequency words today so it came up a lot in our reading. I was quick to point out to the kiddos that families are all different and some people don't have children, but they are still a family. We then quickly moved on. Normally I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash, but remembering how sensitive DH is lately, it hit me how much more I deal with it all on a daily basis. I see kids and their parents and their younger siblings all the time. I hear pregnant co-worker's updates in the lunch room. It is always there. I have learned to deal with it (even though it hurts) and I hope DH can do. He deserves peace.

Why does this have to be so hard?


Infertile Friend said...

We too have been through this awakening. Its like after we've been dealing with it for what seems like forever our husbands finally understand. Its a nice feeling at first but then you really just want your strong husband back. It hurts too much to see them hurt.

Jill said...

My husband is definitely at the same point as yours. It takes them longer to get there than us, but they eventually get there. Hoping that something good happens for you all soon and all these infertility issues will be in the past. :-)

Lisa said...

I know exactly how you feel. I deal with the same feelings. It's so hard being infertile in a fertile world watching everyone else with thier families. DH is so strong and level headed and never shows emotion over stuff like this. But the other night, our 2 neices called to wish us luck on our voicemail in cute little voices and he burst into tears and couldn't stop. He completely broke down saying he wished it was us who had kids and it wasn't fair. Men tend to hold these things in way better, but when they finally let it out, it comes out strong.

DAVs said...

Thanks for commenting/following our blog. We're a pretty depressing picture of infertility,no?

I get this post so much. The more they tell me "no" the more I want to fight. It may be ridiculous, but it's simply how I feel down deep inside. I don't know what that means (signs of early insanity?) but I just take the feelings as they come.

I hope with a new protocol your next cycle looks much better!

PJ said...

I tried to reply to your comment earlier by leaving you a comment like this, and blogger was being uncooperative. Is blogger run by men?

I will see if our librarian has Stanley's Party. I think someone mentioned that at a conference I was just at a few weeks ago - so it's funny you'd mention it!

I think also you asked what reading progam my school was trying to adopt, and it's SRA. You know, that scripted stuff. Honestly, why did I get a teaching degree???

Emily said...

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. Comments make everything seem better!

Our stories are very similar. I was even a teacher for 5 years!

This is an interesting post on Dh's perspective. Thanks for sharing!