Saturday, November 8, 2008

Babies on Parade

The last week has been a little stressful on DH and me. The upcoming IVF cycle is looming near and we start to get a little testy with each other. Gone is the excitement that comes along with starting a new cycle. Instead I am filled with anxiety and dread. I know I should have a positive attitude and all that shit, but I don't work that way. I like to set myself up for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised if it goes better than that. I don't know how to do it any other way. I tried last time to be positive. Actually, I didn't need to try. Deep down I really thought it would work. The success rates for IVF were so much better when it was just MI. I started thinking of my future as being pregnant and having a baby, maybe even two. Well, that thinking didn't really get me anywhere, except to a new reality. Now with both of us facing IF, the odds are stacked against us. Even if I can get some good eggs this time, there is no guarantee any will fertilize, let alone live to day 3 or 5 for transfer. . . Ooops! I better stop. I am getting way to pessimistic here. If I'm dropping $4500 on fertility meds this time, I better at least have a positive thought or two, otherwise why am I doing this again?

Anyway, I digress, so the stress of IF had caught up with DH and I so yesterday we decided to go on a date night to a local steakhouse. We were seated at a booth next to the lobby. We got to see pretty much everyone entering and leaving the restaurant. It must have been bring your baby to dinner night because I swear almost every couple who passed by was young, cute and had a baby in tow. So much for getting our mind off of it. I think I counted close to 20. Really, at a steakhouse? It's not like we were at flipping Applebees! The pregnant lady seated next to us didn't help matters. Lovely, just lovely.

In spite of this, DH and I ended up having a nice evening and flaunting my glass of wine in front of my preggo neighbor helped improve my mood. Just maybe she was jealous of me, especially when one of the babies in the restaurant started screaming. The grass is always greener right?


G said...

I understand where you're coming from with the non-positive feelings. It's a real struggle sometimes. When we've fallen pregnant in the past, we've been 'cautiously happy' and DH has said that he will never let himself really be happy with a BPF until we get a successful 6-week ultrasound... still waiting for that one.
It's like, you don't want to let yourself get too excited/happy, cos it's further to fall if things go wrong. Just remember to hold on to a few of those positive thoughts.

Damn the baby parade! It always pops up right when you're trying to get away from it, like it knows!!

Good one flaunting the wine, I would have got downright drunk!! Thanks for stopping by my blog :)

Lost in Space said...

I've had this conversation with my therapist. I feel I'm only doing this 3rd IVF for "closure". I honestly don't think it will work. I try to find that positive voice and know it will eventually appear, but it gets harder each time. She told me that no matter what I think, whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I was so positive the first would work and it didn't. Now I'm so positive the last one won't work so she told me to go chew on that for awhile. LOL. Hang in there. (:

We have rules for dining out. Never leave the house before 8-8:30PM and always eat in the bar area if it is open. We are not above asking to be moved away from screaming kids either. (: Stupid families are everywhere when you just want a nice night out to "get away" from all that is IF. Nice job with the wine. (:

PJ said...

Hopefully this next round will be easier.

I went into my last IVF thinking the worst in order to protect myself from disappointment, but at some point decided to just take the ride for what it was. It somehow seemed like less work that way.

Today was flaunt your cute pregnant belly day at the mall, which of course called for some retail therapy! Hey, I was there anyway!

Erin said...

It is easier to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I agree with PJ: it seems like less work this way. It's our defense mechanism. And Brenda's therapist is right: what is going to happen will happen. No amount of positive thinking, in my view, will change the outcome.

I'm sorry about your steakhouse experience. It seems we can't go anywhere anymore. The only safe haven is our home.

I hope we find some kind of closure. My mother-in-law told me she "just wants this to be over for us." I know she meant well, to remind me that this pain will not last forever... but I think it will.


Infertile Friend said...

So nice to read your blog - I have a very similar experience - started out MFI and ended up my first IVF cycle talking about donor eggs - quite a shift in perspective. I am beginning stim meds on the 23rd for an antagonist protocol. 375 follistim and 75 menopur followed by cetrotide. I'm on the nuva ring and can I say how much I hate it! Can't wait to get rid of that thing! I'm going to keep up with you - we can be cycle buddies.

PJ said...

SRA Reading Mastery Plus is the canned reading program that my principal is buying into. We were TWO kids away from making AYP, and they were in the disadvantaged category - so ALL of these kids are disadvantaged. I have been teaching Guided Reading for years and SRA is completely different in philosophy. It's a script, and involves snapping fingers, and some sort of rhytmic approach. I'll let you know exactly how much it sucks after I've done the training. :P