Follisleepy

Just about the only thing I have been feeling is sleepy and out of it. I did not feel this way last time, but I also started stimming long after AF left. This time, I started on CD2. Maybe the sleepy feeling is due to her not the follistim. Speaking of which, I am still spotting (because I know you care). It's so annoying. I thought with all the drugs she'd disappear sooner but that doesn't seem to be the case. Hhmm. . . Did anyone else ever feel sleepy or fatigued from stim drugs like Follisleepy (get it: Fall-a-sleepy! I crack myself up!)?

Today is my third day of stimming. I take the follistim in the morning and menopur at night. I've realized that the reason I felt no symptoms from the meds last time (as in bloated, swollen ovaries- I wish!) was because nothing was happening. And of course this time, I feel like nothing is happening as well. I know it is only day three of stimming, yada, yada, but I can't help worrying about what I will see (or not see) at my first stim check on Tuesday. I wish I could move on to a new worry, like retrieval, fertilization, grades of embryos, etc. I'm so tired of obsessing about follicle growth. Grow dammit! All together now! Grow!

I just realized, I must sound like a medicated nutjob. . . Forgive me.

These are my ramblings and getting them out makes me feel better.

Follistim Friday

I just realized I have been spelling Follistim wrong in past blogs. . . Oh well, I just shoot it up, I don't study the label. Geez!

Anyway, after some confusion with a nurse on what was actually my CD1, I started my first dose of Follistim this morning. I was expecting to be a day late and start tomorrow, so I was shocked that the time was now. I was still groggy (I called the clinic first thing when I got up) as I gathered my materials and brushed up on my instructions. There was no nerves, no fanfare; I just went through the motions. It feels so much different this time around. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I am not looking forward to the Menopur tonight. I hate mixing that stuff. I don't know what made me think I could to be a doctor when I was little. I am not at all crafty with a syringe.
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All aboard!

The IVF train has left the station.

I hope I make it all the way to my destination.

Where did I come from?

Fedex sucks!

They were supposed to deliver my meds between 9a.m. and 1p.m. I had plans to have lunch with a friend of mine. At about 12:30 they call to confirm my address. They say the driver brought the package back to the warehouse because they needed an apartment number. "Um, I don't live in an apartment. I do live in a condo and there is nothing more than a number to my address. So bring me my f-king meds and just be glad I'm not on them now!" I had to go get them myself to ensure they'd make it to me by today. It felt better being the one in control. I am a control freak after all.

I brought the package to my friend's house and threw the follistm in her fridge while we ate. The whole time I was there I could hear her 1 1/2 year old old coughing up a lung in the next room during his nap. I have never mixed a cold with IVF drugs, and I don't think I'd like to start now. As soon as he got up, I grabbed my box of meds and I was out of there. Not before her son points to my package and asks,

"Wat's dat?"

"Oh, these are all the things I need to have a baby. Most people only need a bed."

And that got me thinking. . .

If this whole IVF thing ever works. Just think of the story I can tell my offspring when they ask where they came from. I think it might go a little like this:

Well, (insert name) it all starts with two people who really love each other. But sometimes their love alone is not enough to make a baby and they decide they need some help. So here's where you came from.

First mommy and daddy wrote a big, fat check to a doctor.

Then a big box of medicine arrived at our door.

Mommy used this medicine to help grow a little part of you. This part was not easy for mommy.

Next, a doctor in a high tech lab mixed a little piece of mommy with a little piece of daddy to make you.

Finally you grew inside mommy for nine months.

So, you came from a team of doctors, a box of drugs, a high tech lab, a ton of cash, and oh yea, a whole lot of love from mommy and daddy too.

Okay, so maybe the story wouldn't go exactly like that.

But it might be pretty close.

On your mark! Get set! Go!

What a day!

It started off at 7:30 am in my RE's office for my baseline ultrasound/bloodwork. They don't open til 8:00, but I was told my doc was busy and to come at 7:30. The door was unlocked but all the lights were out and I don't think anyone was home. I called out "Hello." My voice is very small and goes nowhere so I just sat down in the dark to wait. About two minutes later a couple of nurses walked in and, surprise, my doctor was there all along. The appointment itself went quickly and I was out of there by 8:00. No cysts, so I was happy about that. He also found a few follicles (not many I think 5 or 6 total). I took my last BCP today so I am not even on cycle day one yet. I thought that seeing follicles already was a good thing. Then stupid me googles baseline u/s and antral follicle count. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! All I saw were women with multiple, multiple follicles just sitting there waiting to stim. I was getting discouraged before I even got started. I am going to try to still be happy with my measly follicle count. Why? Because last time when I was on the lupron, I am not sure I even had any (I don't know. I didn't think to ask- I didn't ask this time, he just told me) and I am not even on cycle day one yet so more can join the party (I sent them an invitation- I'm still waiting to hear back), and my ovaries looked today almost the same as they did last cycle after five days of stimming. I am trying really hard to stay positive. I. am. trying. really. hard.

At my clinic, you can see your test results online. Sometimes they show up hours before the nurse calls. Not really a good thing for a person like me. My progesterone was .4 (I was okay with that) and my E2 was <20 (that was the official number). My E2 has never been that low before, even on lupron. I again consulted Dr. Google and got myself nice and worked up.

I did have to pull myself away from the computer long enough to go to the dentist . It felt weird being in a medical office without Dr. G. and a dildo cam. Even though I've maxed out my crappy dental insurance for the year, a part of me thought I should get my scheduled cleaning done anyway "just in case" this time works. I feel like I jinx myself when I do these things. I hate not knowing how to live my life.

While I was at the dentist, Nurse B called (Nurse X is in Cancun for a week- must be nice). She said the blood work looked fine but I shouldn't just start injections on Friday like my calendar says, because I need to wait for AF to arrive and start them on CD2 (which very well could be Friday). I called her back and asked about my low E2 numbers, she said they were fine and they like to see low numbers at this point. My AF better behave and show up on time, otherwise I have to call if she doesn't arrive by Thursday. I'm not sure why I have to call. Just to check in? I'm not really clear about that. They better not decide to reschedule me if she's late! There is a short window for IVF procedures in December and I need to fit into that. I can't wait any longer.

So that is my long, boring account. Sorry if your eyes are glazing over. As you can see, I focus on every painstaking detail. It is a fault of mine. This blog could have been much shorter, but I need to get it all out. Analyze, accept, move on. It's what I do.

I just want to get farther than I did before. Wait, that's not really true. I want the whole package. I want the trigger shot, the retrieval, the fert. report, the transfer, the 2ww, the BFP, the pregnancy, the baby. It all seem so overwhelming right now. One day at a time right?

Today is done and I am still in the race.

Dishing My Dirt

Today was the day I told my boss that am dealing with infertility. I had been pondering whether or not to for some time. I had a couple reasons I needed to get it off my chest.

This summer, I turned down the opportunity to interview with her for the vice-principal position. My old principal had retired and the new one needed a VP. I had tons of support and encouragement from my old boss. She was a real cheerleader for me. I think I could have gotten it. So why didn't I try? Oh that's right, this beast called infertility reared its ugly head.

I was overwhelmed this summer with all things IVF. I just couldn't take the stress of a new career path. And besides, remember the part of me that thought this was going to work? I didn't want to leave my principal high and dry while I went on maternity leave. Oh, so naive!

Now, several months later, the beast is back, and he's going to be my date for the next few weeks (That's if I'm not cancelled after two stim checks again). I needed to let my boss know that I would be taking time off for appointments. As a teacher, you can't just mosey in an hour late and say, "Hey First Graders! How was your morning? Did I miss anything?" I need the help of a colleague to take my class on the days I have appts. My last principal was very understanding of this. I thought this one would be too, but I wasn't sure. I wanted to give her the reason why. And most importantly I needed her to know why I turned down the chance to take the VP position. I am a woman who goes for what she wants (obviously- just look what I'll do for a baby) and the way I've been acting at work lately hasn't reflected that.

I had been dreading talking to her all day. No conversation is harder for me than one that involves telling someone out of the blue that I am infertile. Where do you begin? I had set the appt. with her in an e-mail to discuss something "personal and private." I added, "Don't worry, I'm not pregnant, moving or dying." So when I showed up in her office today she was totally stumped.

It was so awkward. I just started talking. I don't even really remember what I said. I didn't overwhelm her with details. I was very general. To her credit, she was very nice. She's younger than me (29) and single, so she couldn't really relate, but she told me she had a friend who was going through the same thing right now and to just "do what I needed to do." I trust her to be professional and not let anyone know. My last boss would have never found out because she had a big mouth.

I felt some relief letting her know. I always do after I spill my "secret." Once I am out in the open with it, I don't have a hard time talking about it with people. It's just the initial announcement that I can't stand. I don't know why these conversations are so hard for me, but they are. I think I am done for now. No one else should need to know.

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Monday morning is my suppression check. I can't believe it is almost here.

Let the mind games begin!

A Delayed Reaction

That is what DH is having to all this infertility stuff.

When we first got married, I knew DH's stance on kids. We'd have them, but really only because I wanted them. He knew he wanted to be a father someday, but if he never had any kids he would probably be okay with that too. Once he learned he suffered from MI all that changed. He suddenly wanted what he might not be able to have. Or at least, he suddenly realized he really did want children. After our first cancelled IVF, it got even more intense for him.


He started to notice what I have for years- fertile people are all around us. He got upset when men at work announced their wives were pregnant, he suffered through a couples baby shower (I luckily had other plans), he sees pregnant women everywhere now and has trouble being around our friends with kids. He never used to be like that. Never. Welcome to my world I say.

It all came to a head last night when my friend invited us to dinner this weekend. She and her husband have an 18 month old. I have been her friend for over 12 years. She is not one I'm going to give up on even though she has a kid. For not being infertile, she has tried to take an interest and understand what I'm going through. She is not afraid to ask me questions that other people might feel too awkward doing. She's always been a good listener. When I brought the invitation up to DH he cut me off with a quick "NO." Okaaaaay. . .

Turns out he can't stand couples events with kids anymore. He says it hurts him too much. This couple especially tends to only talk about their baby. So I understand, but I am worried that he won't be able to get over it if it turns out we can never have kids. I don't want to cast off all my friends just because they have children. I think once we know the path our lives will take, he will be able to adjust. But right now he is in the thick of things and dealing with feelings I have been faced with for a long time. It's interesting watching him go through this.

I have become so calloused to the countless times everyday my infertility is waved in my face. Being an elementary teacher is especially fun! Just today we were reading a story about all kinds of families. The book read, "Families have a mother and a father. Families have children." Children was one of our high frequency words today so it came up a lot in our reading. I was quick to point out to the kiddos that families are all different and some people don't have children, but they are still a family. We then quickly moved on. Normally I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash, but remembering how sensitive DH is lately, it hit me how much more I deal with it all on a daily basis. I see kids and their parents and their younger siblings all the time. I hear pregnant co-worker's updates in the lunch room. It is always there. I have learned to deal with it (even though it hurts) and I hope DH can do. He deserves peace.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Babies on Parade

The last week has been a little stressful on DH and me. The upcoming IVF cycle is looming near and we start to get a little testy with each other. Gone is the excitement that comes along with starting a new cycle. Instead I am filled with anxiety and dread. I know I should have a positive attitude and all that shit, but I don't work that way. I like to set myself up for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised if it goes better than that. I don't know how to do it any other way. I tried last time to be positive. Actually, I didn't need to try. Deep down I really thought it would work. The success rates for IVF were so much better when it was just MI. I started thinking of my future as being pregnant and having a baby, maybe even two. Well, that thinking didn't really get me anywhere, except to a new reality. Now with both of us facing IF, the odds are stacked against us. Even if I can get some good eggs this time, there is no guarantee any will fertilize, let alone live to day 3 or 5 for transfer. . . Ooops! I better stop. I am getting way to pessimistic here. If I'm dropping $4500 on fertility meds this time, I better at least have a positive thought or two, otherwise why am I doing this again?

Anyway, I digress, so the stress of IF had caught up with DH and I so yesterday we decided to go on a date night to a local steakhouse. We were seated at a booth next to the lobby. We got to see pretty much everyone entering and leaving the restaurant. It must have been bring your baby to dinner night because I swear almost every couple who passed by was young, cute and had a baby in tow. So much for getting our mind off of it. I think I counted close to 20. Really, at a steakhouse? It's not like we were at flipping Applebees! The pregnant lady seated next to us didn't help matters. Lovely, just lovely.

In spite of this, DH and I ended up having a nice evening and flaunting my glass of wine in front of my preggo neighbor helped improve my mood. Just maybe she was jealous of me, especially when one of the babies in the restaurant started screaming. The grass is always greener right?

Reality Check

As in, I really have to pay for all this IVF stuff.

I mean, I knew I did. I had to before. But this time, I was so focused on the nitty gritty details, like new protocols and calendars, that I kind of forgot how much this all f****** costs. Okay, I didn't really forget, but I must have put it out of my mind. At least until yesterday when I had to pull out my old meds and take inventory. I really didn't have much left. Three measly vials of Menopur and no follistm. Of course I had all the post retrieval medicine left because I never even got that far before.

I was looking at my new calendar and I noticed that they doubled my doses of stim meds from last cycle. A part of me is glad of course because I want to have more eggs than I did last time. The other part of me sat down and did the math. And the math really isn't that hard. Double the dose means double the cost. That hurts! It didn't help matters that I decided to pay all my bills on the same day. Not smart.

DH and I do okay, but the financial burden of IVF sure adds to the stress of it all. How long can a couple keep taking $15,000 hits? It weighs heavily on how far we will decide to take this whole process. I wish I could say it didn't, but it does. If it were free, I'd probably never give up until I hit menopause, but it's not, at least not under our insurance. Reality sets in and you realize you can only do so much. There are only so many times we can try.


It's not fair. Nothing about any of this is.



What I really need is one of these. . .