Saturday, January 24, 2009

8 Week Ultrasound

First of all, we had a great appointment! The baby seemed so much bigger to me and measured right on target at 8 weeks exactly. The heartbeat was also much faster and stronger sounding. Sadly, we didn't get to see Dr. G today for our last RE appt (God willing- I never want to go back there). We had a NP that I had never met instead. She didn't measure the heartbeat, but she "guessed" it to be between 140 and 150. That sounded fine to me. She also did some sort of heat sensitivity setting on the dildo cam (a new feature) and I got to see my blood flow to the uterus, the blood flow of the baby and where our blood joined. She said it all looked great. I was worried before the appt. again, as I assume I'll be every time. She did not announce the heartbeat right away as Dr. G did and she seemed to have trouble positioning the dildo cam just right. It caused DH and I some nervous moments at first. I am so used to Dr. G. I guess this prepared me for my transition to my OB.

I've included a picture for my prosperity. These pics still look like blobs to me. The quality here is never good, but at the appt. I could make out little arm and leg buds (at least that's what I think they were). The growth in just 11 days was amazing.

I have an appt. with a "prenatal clerk" on Tuesday where she will tell me everything I probably already know. (As if I haven't already researched too much for my own good!) I'll get lab work done and then schedule another ultrasound. I tell you, an infertile can get spoiled with all these glimpses at their baby. One of the rare perks of pregnancy after IF.

My symptoms have been mild. Still just waves of nausea that come and go. They have not interfered with my appetite one bit and I'm eating a ton. I find if I eat constantly and get a good night sleep, I feel okay. I am a little more rundown, but not too bad. Or maybe I don't remember what if feels like to be "normal." Countless people at work have asked if I was okay and have stared as if something is not quite right with me. They'll understand in about a month.

On a final note, I do plan to use this blog to document my pregnancy. However, it will still be a place for me to vent my frustrations of the fertile world around me. (Just yesterday at the RE's office I got angry over the treatment of infertiles but that's another story for another day.) I'll never forget the struggles it has taken me to get this far. My journey is far from over and I am still thankful for your constant support. You are all amazing!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

What's Up Kate?

How many of you have seen the TLC program "Jon and Kate Plus Eight"? You know, the one who had two sets of multiples, twins and sextuplets? Come on, raise your hands high. It is one of my guilty pleasures too. She is a totally organized, anal retentive, type A personality, much like myself at times. Her kids are cute, although Maddy can be a brat (but hey, she's seven). It's a funny show.

And most importantly Kate is a fellow infertile, right?

Then why the hell does she never talk about it?

I remember the first season, the show opened with their voice overs and Kate saying something about "When we couldn't get pregnant on our own, we turned to fertility treatments and had our beautiful twin girls." Okay, fair enough. You are honest about being infertile. You don't need to go into excruciating details about it. It's your life, some things can be private.

By the next season, any previous talk of infertility was gone.

The episode that made me the most frustrated was the one that showed Jon and Kate "The Early Years." It was when they were describing how they met, their wedding, etc. When it got to the part about infertility, Kate mentions she had PCOS and tried once and didn't succeed and then got pregnant on the second attempt. She then proceeds to show the positive pee stick video footage and says, "This pregnancy is the most wanted pregnancy in the whole world (I'll give her that) and it is the result of determination, dedication and blah, blah, blah." You know what Kate? If all infertile woman who were dedicated and determined got their BFP then the world would be a fair place. . . but it's not.

What bothers me the most about Kate is that she has a wonderful opportunity to share her struggles through IF with the world, and she just breezes over it. Some might argue that it's her life and she doesn't have to share her most intimate feelings and experiences. Well guess what? She does. Every single episode. She puts her kids on T.V. and takes pictures of the with their first poops, and we've watched her go for a tummy tuck. Doesn't make PCOS look so intimate now does it?

Why can't she reach out to woman who are going through the same struggles she did? Why does she try to sweep it under the rug? Did she not have the same feelings of loss, isolation, panic, despair? Why is it so easy for her to forget? Is she ashamed?

The reason I never spoke of my troubles TTC with people before was to save myself some of the hurt. There were days I didn't want to speak of IF. I didn't want people to walk on eggshells around me or look at me like some kind of freak. I wanted my privacy while I dealt with it. I've always wondered if I'd tell people that I became pregnant through IVF. Is it really anyone's business? I have no doubts now. When the time comes, I will shout it from the rooftops. If someone can overhear my struggles and find some comfort in their own, then my IF wasn't for naught.

Another blogger who was finally pregnant after IF wrote several posts regarding "crossing over" from infertility to fertility. I'm sorry, but that will never be me. DH and I will always be infertile. I pray with everything I have that we will be infertile with a child someday, but we will never be fertile. We will never be able to get pregnant on our own, without medical intervention. We will never forget the struggles we went through. I will never turn my back on the people who've offered me so much support. I will never be ashamed.

Infertility will never define me, but it will always be a part of who I am.

So shame on you Kate!

You could have done some good.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Introducing. . .

I know, the pictures are hard to make out. The one on the top measures the embryo with the egg sack underneath and the picture on the bottom shows my uterus.

Here are the stats:
1 baby
Measures right on track 6w3d
Heart Rate 126 BPM

We are so happy! I was so worried about the appointment. I know there are so many things that could have/still can go wrong. It was nice to have an easy appt. for a change.

We had to wait as Dr. G. was almost one hour late. He had an emergency right before me. Sounds like a worst nightmare come to life. The poor lady was there for her 7 1/2 week u/s after having a normal 6 week one. They knew she had a baby in her uterus, but at this appt. they found one in her tube as well. He was on the phone scheduling her surgery. Scary! He checked my tubes as thoroughly as he could. He couldn't find anything so far. He seemed a little rattled from his earlier appt. so hopefully he checked very well.

I asked him about my ovary pain and he looked at those as well. I have a couple of corpus luteum cyst on the right side and one on the left. Looks like all that estrogen is giving the ovaries a run for their money. They are pretty small and he was not concerned about them. I think this explains my pain.

I also had a fright last night. After an afternoon at the mall looking for comfortable shoes, I came home and saw pink spotting. I laid down the rest of the evening and it went away. It freaked me out. It was nice to have my appt. right after that. He couldn't see any blood pooled around the sack. He just said to take it easy and avoid intercourse (poor DH- he hasn't gotten any in a long time). He reiterated there is really nothing you can do to change the course of events, but following these suggestions make women feel like they are doing all they can. So true.

The best part of the appt. was getting to actually hear the heartbeat! I didn't know you could actually hear it so early. That made things feel a little more real. I just kept saying "That's so weird." What a mature reaction. This whole thing is so surreal. I feel like I am living someone else's life.

I pray this will continue

I am so thankful to have come this far!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I'm an over-anaylzer. Are you?

First of all, I've been tagged! Thanks Brenda

Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Sensitive
5. Your father? Calm
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? Strange
8. Your dream/goal? Mommy
9. The room you're in? Guestroom
10. Your hobby? Computer
11. Your fear? Fire
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Easy-going
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? California
17. The last thing you did? Work
18. What are you wearing? PJs
19. Your T.V.? On
20. Your pet? Rudy
21. Your computer? Great
22. Your mood? Overwhelmed
23. Missing someone? DH
24. Your car? Honda
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Old Navy
27. Your Summer? Disappointing
28. Love someone? DH
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Today

Now, I've read a lot of blogs and I think everyone has already done this one. If you haven't come and join in all the fun!

Meanwhile, I've been having trouble following my plan to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I have been driving poor DH nuts with my questioning of every symptom. Mainly I don't like all the sensations that go on in the abdomen area. I know there is a lot going on in there, but please. I analyze all of it. There's no escaping it. It's a constant 24/7 thing. I am waaaaaaaaay to in tune with my body.
My biggest concern was that my right ovary has been tender since after retrieval and has been getting worse. The sensations come and go. Sometimes it is a sharp pain and other times a dull ache. I am trying not to worry about an ectopic pregnancy (I love to imagine myself in the worst case scenario. Healthy huh?). The pain is not any worse than when I ovulate, but I don't like it. I broke down and called Nurse Long Pause. She didn't skip a beat this time and sounded bored. She said the ovary was stimulated more than usual for retrieval. You initially feel better after ER and then if you get pregnant, you start to feel many of the same symptoms you felt during stimming because your estrogen is rising again (especially thanks to the estrace I take three times a day). That made sense to me but I asked her about an ectopic anyway and she said "Oh you'd know. We wouldn't be having a conversation like this." Hmmm. . . I guess I'll find out Monday.
(If you have something very scary to say on this topic, please refrain. I can't take the added stress. If however, you have had similar issues or words of encouragement, then comment away.)
I love DH. He has been so excited. He is a realist like myself, but he is trying to enjoy this happy time. I need to find a way to join him. I will get there.
I will, I will, I will. . .

Friday, January 2, 2009

Random Updates

I'm so not technologically savvy. I like to think I'm better than I am, but this stupid little chart has got the best of me. I had to print it and then scan it in. The quality is not great, but at least It is here now for prosperity.

My hormone levels (documented for my information):

12/26/08 (Beta #1) HCG- 324, E2- 917, P4- 100

12/29/08 (Beta #2) HCG- 656, E2- 897, P4- 101

I scheduled my first ultrasound for Monday the 12th. I will be 6 weeks and 3 days. I finally got to talk to Nurse X as all the other updates were coming from their other facility because my local one had been closed over the holidays. I have decided to rename her "Nurse Long Pause." She's the one who made me feel so bad when I called in October to discuss IVF#2. She had all the long pauses and was pretty much writing me off after one crappy cycle (from My First Post). Well, when I called for my ultrasound she did it again.

Me: I just got my second beta results and the other office told me to call you today to schedule an ultrasound.

Nurse Long Pause: (long pause) Okay, let me see.

Nurse Long Pause: (long pause)

Nurse Long Pause: Okay, your numbers look good. (I guess I passed her test- Now can we just get my ultrasound scheduled?)

Me: Why is my progesterone so high? Is it from my PIO shots?

Nurse Long Pause: That could be it, or with your high numbers, you could be carrying two.

Me: I guess we'll see.

Nurse Long Pause: (long pause)

Nurse Long Pause: How about Friday, the 9th?

Me: That sounds a little early to hear a heartbeat.

Nurse Long Pause: Yeah, you don't want to have to come in again. (long pause) How about the 12th?

Me: Great

Nurse Long Pause: Happy New Year.

I have no idea why I decided to dialogue that. I think it is because that conversation made me realize that is just the kind of woman she is and maybe I shouldn't have taken her attitude a few months ago so personally. But I did. I wonder how many other women's feelings she has hurt. Don't they realize they are dealing with infertiles whose emotions are raw?

Symptoms wise, not too much going on.

I have been sleeping a lot more. I go to bed about 8:30 and get up at 7:00 when DH leaves for work. The last three days I have been taking an afternoon nap and I am not normally a napper

I feel all kinds of strange sensations down below, stretching, pulling, gas pains, etc.

My lower back has been pretty sore especially at night and in the morning. It cracks down there sometimes. I hear it is from all the hormones starting to loosen your ligaments. It is probably my top symptom right now. I had some lower back problems before all this, so I'm afraid I am in for a long haul. The heating pad has been my friend.

No real nausea. Sometimes I will get waves of it and it will pass in seconds.

I'm always hungry and I always pee a lot so no change there.

Today I am 5 weeks. This is going very slow. Going back to work on Monday will come as a welcome distraction.

But what will I do with all the kids while I'm napping? . . .