Saturday, January 24, 2009
I've included a picture for my prosperity. These pics still look like blobs to me. The quality here is never good, but at the appt. I could make out little arm and leg buds (at least that's what I think they were). The growth in just 11 days was amazing.
I have an appt. with a "prenatal clerk" on Tuesday where she will tell me everything I probably already know. (As if I haven't already researched too much for my own good!) I'll get lab work done and then schedule another ultrasound. I tell you, an infertile can get spoiled with all these glimpses at their baby. One of the rare perks of pregnancy after IF.
My symptoms have been mild. Still just waves of nausea that come and go. They have not interfered with my appetite one bit and I'm eating a ton. I find if I eat constantly and get a good night sleep, I feel okay. I am a little more rundown, but not too bad. Or maybe I don't remember what if feels like to be "normal." Countless people at work have asked if I was okay and have stared as if something is not quite right with me. They'll understand in about a month.
On a final note, I do plan to use this blog to document my pregnancy. However, it will still be a place for me to vent my frustrations of the fertile world around me. (Just yesterday at the RE's office I got angry over the treatment of infertiles but that's another story for another day.) I'll never forget the struggles it has taken me to get this far. My journey is far from over and I am still thankful for your constant support. You are all amazing!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
And most importantly Kate is a fellow infertile, right?
Then why the hell does she never talk about it?
I remember the first season, the show opened with their voice overs and Kate saying something about "When we couldn't get pregnant on our own, we turned to fertility treatments and had our beautiful twin girls." Okay, fair enough. You are honest about being infertile. You don't need to go into excruciating details about it. It's your life, some things can be private.
By the next season, any previous talk of infertility was gone.
The episode that made me the most frustrated was the one that showed Jon and Kate "The Early Years." It was when they were describing how they met, their wedding, etc. When it got to the part about infertility, Kate mentions she had PCOS and tried once and didn't succeed and then got pregnant on the second attempt. She then proceeds to show the positive pee stick video footage and says, "This pregnancy is the most wanted pregnancy in the whole world (I'll give her that) and it is the result of determination, dedication and blah, blah, blah." You know what Kate? If all infertile woman who were dedicated and determined got their BFP then the world would be a fair place. . . but it's not.
What bothers me the most about Kate is that she has a wonderful opportunity to share her struggles through IF with the world, and she just breezes over it. Some might argue that it's her life and she doesn't have to share her most intimate feelings and experiences. Well guess what? She does. Every single episode. She puts her kids on T.V. and takes pictures of the with their first poops, and we've watched her go for a tummy tuck. Doesn't make PCOS look so intimate now does it?
Why can't she reach out to woman who are going through the same struggles she did? Why does she try to sweep it under the rug? Did she not have the same feelings of loss, isolation, panic, despair? Why is it so easy for her to forget? Is she ashamed?
The reason I never spoke of my troubles TTC with people before was to save myself some of the hurt. There were days I didn't want to speak of IF. I didn't want people to walk on eggshells around me or look at me like some kind of freak. I wanted my privacy while I dealt with it. I've always wondered if I'd tell people that I became pregnant through IVF. Is it really anyone's business? I have no doubts now. When the time comes, I will shout it from the rooftops. If someone can overhear my struggles and find some comfort in their own, then my IF wasn't for naught.
Another blogger who was finally pregnant after IF wrote several posts regarding "crossing over" from infertility to fertility. I'm sorry, but that will never be me. DH and I will always be infertile. I pray with everything I have that we will be infertile with a child someday, but we will never be fertile. We will never be able to get pregnant on our own, without medical intervention. We will never forget the struggles we went through. I will never turn my back on the people who've offered me so much support. I will never be ashamed.
Infertility will never define me, but it will always be a part of who I am.
So shame on you Kate!
You could have done some good.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I know, the pictures are hard to make out. The one on the top measures the embryo with the egg sack underneath and the picture on the bottom shows my uterus.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:
1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Sensitive
5. Your father? Calm
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? Strange
8. Your dream/goal? Mommy
9. The room you're in? Guestroom
10. Your hobby? Computer
11. Your fear? Fire
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Easy-going
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? California
17. The last thing you did? Work
18. What are you wearing? PJs
19. Your T.V.? On
20. Your pet? Rudy
21. Your computer? Great
22. Your mood? Overwhelmed
23. Missing someone? DH
24. Your car? Honda
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Old Navy
27. Your Summer? Disappointing
28. Love someone? DH
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Today
Now, I've read a lot of blogs and I think everyone has already done this one. If you haven't come and join in all the fun!
Friday, January 2, 2009
I'm so not technologically savvy. I like to think I'm better than I am, but this stupid little chart has got the best of me. I had to print it and then scan it in. The quality is not great, but at least It is here now for prosperity.
My hormone levels (documented for my information):
12/26/08 (Beta #1) HCG- 324, E2- 917, P4- 100
12/29/08 (Beta #2) HCG- 656, E2- 897, P4- 101
I scheduled my first ultrasound for Monday the 12th. I will be 6 weeks and 3 days. I finally got to talk to Nurse X as all the other updates were coming from their other facility because my local one had been closed over the holidays. I have decided to rename her "Nurse Long Pause." She's the one who made me feel so bad when I called in October to discuss IVF#2. She had all the long pauses and was pretty much writing me off after one crappy cycle (from My First Post). Well, when I called for my ultrasound she did it again.
Me: I just got my second beta results and the other office told me to call you today to schedule an ultrasound.
Nurse Long Pause: (long pause) Okay, let me see.
Nurse Long Pause: (long pause)
Nurse Long Pause: Okay, your numbers look good. (I guess I passed her test- Now can we just get my ultrasound scheduled?)
Me: Why is my progesterone so high? Is it from my PIO shots?
Nurse Long Pause: That could be it, or with your high numbers, you could be carrying two.
Me: I guess we'll see.
Nurse Long Pause: (long pause)
Nurse Long Pause: How about Friday, the 9th?
Me: That sounds a little early to hear a heartbeat.
Nurse Long Pause: Yeah, you don't want to have to come in again. (long pause) How about the 12th?
Nurse Long Pause: Happy New Year.
I have no idea why I decided to dialogue that. I think it is because that conversation made me realize that is just the kind of woman she is and maybe I shouldn't have taken her attitude a few months ago so personally. But I did. I wonder how many other women's feelings she has hurt. Don't they realize they are dealing with infertiles whose emotions are raw?
Symptoms wise, not too much going on.
I have been sleeping a lot more. I go to bed about 8:30 and get up at 7:00 when DH leaves for work. The last three days I have been taking an afternoon nap and I am not normally a napper
I feel all kinds of strange sensations down below, stretching, pulling, gas pains, etc.
My lower back has been pretty sore especially at night and in the morning. It cracks down there sometimes. I hear it is from all the hormones starting to loosen your ligaments. It is probably my top symptom right now. I had some lower back problems before all this, so I'm afraid I am in for a long haul. The heating pad has been my friend.
No real nausea. Sometimes I will get waves of it and it will pass in seconds.
I'm always hungry and I always pee a lot so no change there.
Today I am 5 weeks. This is going very slow. Going back to work on Monday will come as a welcome distraction.
But what will I do with all the kids while I'm napping? . . .