Feeling Out of Place

Last night DH and I went to an early prenatal class our OB made us take. Part of me used to be so jealous of my friends who got to go for their pregnancies. It was another thing I couldn't be a part of. What was I thinking. . . This class sucked!

I knew they probably were not going to tell me anything I didn't already know. If being infertile teaches you anything, it teaches you how to research. I have researched the hell out of this pregnancy so far. I probably know too much. DH was dragging his heels, but he came. He also suspected we wouldn't learn anything new.

Why do the most annoying people in the world run these types of things? We had grandma up there hamming it up. Before we started we had to go around and introduce ourselves and tell how far along we were, our due date, and what number pregnancy this was. Shoot me now.

I'm sure this lady had no formal medical training. I caught her several times giving out the wrong (or incomplete) information. I hate people who speak condescendingly to you about important things. Tell it straight, and leave your stupid anecdotes out of it. The night would have moved a whole lot faster.

The best part of the evening came when she asked for a show of hands how many people had to POAS multiple times because they were in shock and so surprised. Actually lady, I didn't need to test again because I got a call with my blood test results about an hour after. Then I got to sit on pins and needles and go back three days later and test again. No "How did this happen?" moment for me.

What got to me most was that almost everyone was younger and by far more naive about their pregnancy than us. It felt like we were at a cult gathering or something. Everyone was so giddy and stupidly pregnant. Grandma would make some lame joke and everybody laughed. I would bet money that no one else there came from IF treatments. Don't get me wrong. I'm giddy too. I'm so grateful. I am also sad that I feel I have been robbed of a normal pregnancy because the stakes are so high. If something happens we are back to square one in a big way. I was jealous that they could take it all so seemingly light. The whole night felt very surreal to me. Never had a belonged in a place and yet felt so out of place. Maybe time will help me fit into this new world. I still don't feel like I'm a part of it.

DH and I left at breaktime. We were outta there!

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I shared my news with some close friends from high school this weekend. These were the first people I told who were not aware of any of our IF struggles. They were so happy for me. What I realized though, is that they didn't really get it. They didn't really get how painful it was. They didn't really get what we went through. We all know IF is a unique kind of pain and one no one can understand unless they go through it.

Here is an example of a comment one of them made when another shared that her friend got pregnant with triplets after IVF. Unfortunately, she miscarried two of the three in the first trimester. Someone said, "Do you think she's relieved to only have one now?" My other friend answered, "We haven't really talked about it, but I'm sure she is." I bet your ass she's not. She loved and worked hard for all those babies. I'm sure she grieved for them. That might have been her only shot at having more than one child. Really? Relieved?

It just shows how out of touch they are with the struggles that I and so many others have been through. I realize now they will never get it. I hope for their sake they are never forced to.