"Dreams", "Is that Gas?" and "My DH"

Last night I had a second dream about my baby. I've had several dreams about pregnancy, but only two about my actual child. The first one was shortly after I found out I was pregnant. In the dream I could see inside my body and into the uterus. It was decorated like a nursery in there with a crib, mobile, and other accessories. My baby was floating around in there in a onsie and it was a boy.

In my most recent dream, I was actually giving birth and it was also a boy. I was amazed how cute he was and he was reaching his arms out to me. For some reason the nurses were not taking him to clean and wrap him and DH was worried he was getting cold so I had to snuggle him on my chest to keep him warm. The second part of the dream involved taking him home and forgetting to feed him, not having any diapers in the house to change him, and having done nothing to prepare for him. I know that part was my subconscious talking. . .

So, needless to say, I am leaning heavily towards guessing it's a boy. I will be quite shocked it if it's a girl, but happy none the less. I really have no preference.

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Welcome to this week's fixation: Fetal Movement

Have I felt my baby move?

The answer is. . . yes, no, maybe? I have no idea.

People say it's like a fluttering sensation or bubbles or popcorn popping. If that's the case, I've felt this baby move even before I was pregnant because that sounds like a description of gas to me!

Sometimes I think I can tell the difference and I feel a more profound small pounding sensation. Then I think, "No stupid, It's probably the bean burrito you finished off for lunch."

One night last week I was convinced it had to be the baby. I have been really enjoying the tomatoes, basil and mozzarella cheese combination. I decided to put it all on french bread and grill it for a panini. There was a ton of tomatoes on it. It was yummy. That night I was having yet another dream where my stomach was fluttering. I woke up and felt it for real. I think the baby was pissed in there. I could feel my uterus moving like it was pounding me from the inside with its fists and legs. I then got the worst heart burn I've ever had.

Because I'm twisted, I wanted to recreate the situation a couple nights later to determine what I really felt. I sat down to eat my tomato, basil, mozzarella salad and I couldn't finish it. It no longer tasted good to me. I don't think I can eat it again for a long time. Isn't that strange?

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And finally (because this post has really been for me and my memories) I want to share how much DH has embraced this pregnancy. The larger I get, the more real it becomes for him. Whereas I still feel silly to do it at times, he'll talk to him/her at night before we go to bed. He rubs my tummy and says goodbye to the baby before he leaves. Even though he is the most affectionate, loving man I know, I never knew how he'd respond to an unborn child. It touches me every time.

17 Weeks

16 Weeks

Yesterday marked 16 weeks.

I am awaiting my next u/s on April 8th. I really could care less what sex it is. All I want to know is if it's growing and developing properly. We are going to find out whether it's a girl or a boy though. I've had enough suspense surrounding this pregnancy. I'm ready to find out all I can about my baby.

I finished parent-teacher conferences this week. That's always a relief. Almost all my conferences started off with parents asking, "How are you feeling?" My favorite pat answer, "Better than a month ago."

I made an attempt last weekend to do something to prepare for this baby. My friend S. (preggers with #2) and her a 1 year old took me to the store of all stores. The store that still gives me anxiety, Babies R Us! I wanted her to orientate me to all the needs of an infant. Boy do they need a lot of shit! I was listening closely for the first few aisles or so, then my eyes started to glaze over and I was adding up costs in my head. She told me to just register for everything and then check craigslist and e-bay for the stuff I don't get at the showers. I didn't write anything down and I'm sure I'll need a second tutorial before I register. I just wanted to get a start. It's kind of like I do in the summer when it's time for me to go back and get my classroom ready for the next year. I need one day where I just go in my room and sit and stare at everything, get overwhelmed and walk out. I'm always so much better after that.

I know a lot about getting pregnant, and being pregnant. I know nothing about what comes after that. . .

Getting bigger.

Belly Fascinations

I was just reading a post by Carrie at Tubeless in Seattle regarding the way people stare at the bellies of women of childbearing age and analyze every roll of fat or bout of bloat for a sign of pregnancy. It's been done to me countless times in the past, before TTC, during TTC, during IF treatments, and of course now during early pregnancy.

A couple of years ago, I must have been in need of an ab routine because on two occasions parents of children at my school stopped me to ask if I was pregnant. Well, actually one said, "Is that a pooch?" (Yes it is. I just had a big lunch. Thanks for asking bitch!) and the other one pointed to my stomach and asked, "Is there a baby in there?" (Not that I'm aware of you ding dong!). Granted I am a petite person and any weight I gain goes straight to my middle and shows up instantly against my otherwise small frame, but give me a freaking break! How rude.

People at work (parents mostly, some staff) have been studying my stomach since I got married. I think many people must have figured I have the longest gestational period known to man and have been perpetually stuck in the early second trimester for years. Keep 'em guessing. That's what I've done.

I've got them all fooled now. Even thought I've told some staff at work, and the parents in my class, I'm sure not everyone has heard. People who don't know are really confused now. They stare at my swollen abdomen and don't know what to say. I let them sweat it out and just smile.

Yesterday a random parent was brave and said, "You're going to have a baby." (Thanks for letting me know!) and then proceeded to rub my stomach! She said she didn't know until today when she saw me walking to the bathroom. She thought I was normally so small that I had to be pregnant. Could you imagine the horror I would have ensued if I hadn't been? Damn people get some manners!

Even those who know, stare and touch. It's strange. For so long I tried to suck in my gut and wear shirts that hid my pooch and tried to avoid looking pregnant at all costs. Now that my belly is once again a fascination (and for a good reason I suppose) I find it hard to adjust. It is the first thing people say about me know when I walk into a room. My TTC and IF journey have been my private matter for so long now that if feels odd to have people discuss my pregnancy so openly.

Please don't get me wrong. I love being pregnant and all the changes it brings to my body and my life. I am just adjusting to a new world I never imagined I'd be a part of. . . belly fascinations and all.

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My appt on Tuesday went well.

It was actually very quick. They checked my blood pressure. She answered my list of questions and then she found the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was in the low 160s.

I was a little afraid to step on the scale but so far I've gained just 5 1/2 pounds. I think it has all gone to my belly (as it always has).

I told her about my cervical concerns. She says she's never seen a previous D&C be the reason for an incomplete cervix. I asked her if I had one if it would be dilating already. She said not at 14 weeks. She also said the reason for the vaginal/cervical pain was probably round ligaments that run down through your vaginal walls and out through your inner thighs. I decided to let it go and not make her check my cervix (I was fully clothed at the time anyway). If it was shut at 11 weeks, I'll ass-ume it was still shut at 14 weeks. I felt better knowing they will routinely check it at my 18 1/2 week u/s, which is scheduled for April 8th.

Here's the15 week belly everyone in my real life has been fascinated with (not much bigger than last week I think. . .).

Wemberly

There's a children's book called Wemberly Worried and I read it to my class every year. The character is a little mouse who worries about everything. My favorite part is when she worries that everyone will be a butterfly in the Halloween parade. When she arrives, she realizes there are no other butterfly costumes. Then she worries because she is the only one.

Infertility has made me a Wemberly. . .

I don't want to be a Wemberly.

Now that I've hit the second trimester, I've found a new set of things to obsess over. My recent one- cervical incompetence.

Where did I come up with this one you ask? A couple days ago I was sitting on my hard chair at my desk and I felt this cervical/vaginal twinge/pain. It only lasted a few seconds, but from then on the rest of the day I was acutely aware of my lady parts. And I felt/imagined them to be sore. From what I read from Dr. Google, cervical incompetence usually is associated with no feeling or pain. Your cervix just spontaneously dilates without contractions. (Oh, and only 1/100 women present with it. What makes me think I'm so special?). A previous "traumatic" (they dilated you too quickly) D & C puts you at higher risk. I've had a D&C before when I was 19 for extremely heavy and irregular periods (see, I've never been normal "down there"). How do I know if it was traumatic or not? I don't.

Does the logical part of me think I should even let this be a worry right now? Of course not. But the tragic thing I found from this is that they let women go through one, two, or three previous second trimester miscarriages before they consider you at risk for it. How hard is it for doctors to check your cervix at each appt.? It's something that isn't usually done until the end of third trimester.

You can bet your ass, my doctor will check mine on Tuesday at my next appt. Whether she wants to or not. I will just need to explain to her I'm an IF patient. We worry more than the rest and if she can't understand that then maybe I need to find a new doctor. One that specializes in treating Wemberlies.

Stay tuned for my next "Worry of the Week". . .

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Now onto better topics.

14 Weeks

I've loved being able to look down and see my pooch. I catch the kids in my class staring at it too. I have been popping out quickly. I think it's because my abs weren't toned in the slightest before pregnancy and with my small frame there is no where for anything to go.

And my least favorite reason I'm getting big so fast. . . My husband was 11 lbs. 14 oz when he was born (vaginally). They had to break his collarbone to get him out. He comes from a family of huge babies (0n both sides). I'm only 5'2". What's a girl to do?

DH is getting so excited. Seeing me expand has made it more real for him. Last night at dinner he said, "I can't wait to shop for baby clothes." I almost choked on my sandwich. I thought it was so cute. I never thought I'd hear that sentence come from him.

Meanwhile, I've done nothing to prepare for this baby. Nothing, nada, zilch. No thought has been given to childcare. I haven't purchased a thing. I haven't researched car seats, cribs, or changing tables. I haven't even browsed a baby aisle. That is not like me. I am a person who is prepared and organized.


I feel my only job right now is to grow a healthy baby.

All the rest will fall into place.