My Last Post *Edited*

A year ago I wrote my first post. As I'm writing this one, I'm listening to nursery rhymes as my miracle of a daughter is playing in her gym beside me. I never dreamed a year ago I'd be here in this moment.

I have learned so much about myself and life during my struggle through infertility.

My heart is strong. It has the strength to endure multiple feelings of failure, multiple disappointments, and ultimately, multiple feelings of elation.

My body is strong. It was put through countless tests, blood draws, injections, and procedures. In the end it was able to carry life; for that I am truly blessed.

My marriage is strong. It was put through one of life's ultimate tests. I learned I have a wonderful husband who will always be there for me. We struggled together and he was with me every step of the way. He gave me the strength to continue and the courage to pick myself up and try again.

My friends are strong. Some of the most courageous, brave, determined, intelligent women I have found in my life have been those I have never met. The world of blogging has allowed me to share in the hopes and dreams of others. It has allowed me to find and give endless support. It has allowed me to find a place where I belonged. A place where people "got it."

Infertility is a bitch. It is ugly and unfair. It is life changing no matter what the outcome.

Infertility has made me a better person and for that I am grateful.

*If you'd like to follow my new journey through motherhood you can find me at:

Just Another Motherhood Blog

Just Another Motherhood Blog

I started another blog.

I wanted a place I could discuss issues other than infertility and pregnancy. I wanted a place I could share my adventures in motherhood, and I didn't think an infertility blog was the right place to do it. I will still have all your journeys on my blog roll and I will continue to follow. Someday I will be able to comment again. It's hard to type with one hand and feed her with the other. The new blog is pretty sparse to start. You'll see why after reading my first post.

I stand by my decision to continue to blog here about my pregnancy. I did not have a guarantee that I would take home a baby. There was so much that could have gone wrong. I did not feel like I had beat infertility's ass until she was born. We finally have the baby we have always wanted. It is time to move on . . .

I hope you continue to follow. I have made so many friends and have found so much support. I would miss hearing from you, but I would understand. Luckily you can't stop me from following you. :)

Just Another Motherhood Blog

My Baby Story

Here comes my too detailed saga into motherhood. . .

We went in for a scheduled induction Friday morning at 8:30. As we were checking in we saw Dr. Delightful in the hall and he was disappointed that the hospital didn't let us come earlier. (He was only on duty until 8:00 that night).

After admitting we went into an "induction suite" which was bright and very clinical looking as it was originally designed as an OR but they couldn't use it as one because of the attached bathroom. There we sat for about an hour before we even met our nurse (who was a mom at the school I teach at- small world), got an IV line, and was finally greeted by Dr. D. This was going very slow.

The doctor decided to do a foley catheter in my cervix to dilate it. Before the procedure at about 10:00 am I was still only dilated to a one and 25% effaced. After the procedure I asked if this could fall out accidentally or only once I reached 3 cm. He said it was secure and the balloon rarely fails and falls out before dilation. He started me on a small amount of pitocin and left the room. Not two minutes after he leaves the catheter falls out. I was not happy. It wasn't the most painful procedure, but I certainly didn't want to get it done all over again.

He comes right back in and I jokingly say, "Does that mean I'm at a three already?" Turns out I was. I dilated from a one to a three in the course of a few minutes. Things were looking up.

We sat in our "suite" for about another hour before we were finally moved to the labor and delivery room. They kept coming in to up the pitocin every half and hour. It was uncomfortable and I could feel the contractions but they didn't seem very strong and I had a feeling nothing much was happening. My biggest complaint was hunger. I was so hungry. No food with pitocin. The doctor had said they might turn it off around dinner time so I could eat. I was looking forward to that.

Things changed at 3:00 pm. I was laying in bed and I heard a pop and felt a gush. My water had broke on it's own. Then the contractions started to hurt. They were coming so fast. If I would have had a longer break in between them, they would have been more tolerable.

It is important to note here that no one had checked me since around 10:30 am when I was a three. I was seriously considering an epidural for the pain at this point but I had no idea what progress (or lack of) I had made. I also was still very hungry and once I got the epidural there would for sure be no dinner in my future. It was about 4:00 pm and I was told my doctor wouldn't be in to check me until 6:00! There was no way I could take the contractions until then. Screw hunger, contractions won out. I asked for my epidural.

It wasn't until about 5:00 that the wonderful effects of my epidural kicked in. It really was one of the best thing I ever decided to do. At first I was worried it wouldn't work or that one side was taking and the other side wasn't. It did it's job though and I was pain free, and ready for a long night of laboring. I didn't care how long it took anymore. I could finally relax.

I finally had some visitors come in once I was more comfortable, just some immediate family members. Around 7:00 (my doctor was, so far, an hour late checking me) I was surprised to feel a lot of pressure in my ass. I suddenly remembered what they said at our childbirth classes about feeling like you needed to take a BM. I ran this by DH and he looked about as shocked as I was. I wasn't ready for this yet. I had no idea if I was dilated enough for all this. My progress had been a mystery to me all day. I decided to shoo the guests out and ring the nurse. Once I told her my symptoms she said, "I bet your baby is down low and you are about a 9 1/2 or a 10. I will let your nurse know when she gets off break in ten minutes." WHAT?!

By now the pressure was building to the point I felt I needed to push. I told DH to go tell them to come in now! Lazy nurse said she'll go get my nurse off her break to insert my catheter (which hadn't been done yet). This whole time I'm thinking, "Why won't someone stick their hands in my vagina?!" So they both come in and do the catheter. Finally, finally both nurses check me. I was fully dilated and plus three station. Maddy was on her way out.

From then on, things moved quickly. They paged Dr. D who was rounding the corner to finally check me. He agreed I was ready to go. Everyone was running around trying to prepare trays, break down my bed, and all the other delivery things they do. Meanwhile I could not believe I was ready to push. Especially since the whole time (for no real reason) I thought this would end in a c-section. Once I realized how this was going to go down I was ready to get her out as quickly as possible.

The epidural was perfect. I could feel each contraction and I knew when and how to push, but there was no pain, just intense pressure. My friend once told me, "It feels like you're taking the biggest shit of your life." That is a great way to describe it. Although maybe a little gross.

I am very proud to say that it only took 15 minutes from the first push to the last. My nurse told me not to tell many people that. I did pay the price from a fast delivery by a second degree tear as her shoulders sprang out. The pitocin and my contractions did most of the work for me.

It was, looking back, a pretty easy, smooth delivery. I am amazed at what my body could do. Infertility shook me and made me feel broken. In the end I overcame and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. For that, I will be forever grateful.

How about some more pictures?

Pictures

I hope to update soon and tell my birth story so I don't forget the details. I also hope to get a minute to read my blogroll. I can't wait to catch up. I don't know how you new moms still find time to update your blogs regularly. I'm envious of your multitasking.

Our Miracle

Madelyn is here!

Born September 4th at 7:45 pm
7 pounds 9 ounces
Worth everything!

I wish I had a pic on this laptop. Will try to send one asap.

She looks perfect to me.

Tomorrow

To Our Sweet Little Baby,

Tomorrow we meet you.

Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting our whole lives for.

We already know so much about you.

We know you like sleeping in and sleeping hard like Daddy. We know you get "grumpy hungry" like Mommy and kick and fuss until we feed you. We know how much you like ice-cream and how your favorite thing to do is kick and kick your little foot. We know how much you are loved. You are loved by not just Daddy and Mommy, but your grandma and grandpa, your nana and papa, your three uncles and aunts, and countless friends ready and excited to meet you. We know you will be beautiful because you were created out of love and hope and prayers. We know how much you were wanted. We know we are blessed to have you.

Tomorrow we can hold you and kiss you and see your sweet face.

We can't believe this day is almost here.

We love you sweet Madelyn.

You are a dream come true.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

I Have to Vent

Damn fertiles!

Why don't they think before they spew stupidity?

I was talking to a coworker today on the phone. She just had a baby girl four months ago and has been so generous with giving me maternity clothes, baby clothes, a cosleeper, a baby bjorn, the list goes on. She's a lot of fun to hang out with and we have been getting to be friends more than "acquaintances."

She knows of my IVF treatments and her mom and dad went through several IVF attempts before they ended up getting pregnant with her brother and later her, on their own. She also has at least one other friend who has done IVF. Of all my friends, I didn't think she'd be the one to say something so insulting.

We were talking about one of her friends who went through IVF and got pregnant with twins. A few weeks ago she had told me that her friend went into (very) premature labor and lost on of the twins. I asked how her friend and her baby were doing. She said it was really touch and go with the other baby. She sounded sad for her friend and said they have already gone through so much and she hoped this didn't deter her from trying again if something happens to her other baby.

Then she added, "But, this was her second IVF try. Maybe some people's bodies weren't meant to have babies."

Ummm. . . Do you remember who you are speaking to?! Are you saying I am not "meant" to have a baby?!

I got very quiet. Finally I said, "Getting pregnant and carrying a baby are two very different things. Carrying multiples is always more risky. It has nothing to do with her infertility."

Again, poor attempts at back peddling ensued. I really think she had forgotten how I got pregnant.

I initially tried to blow it off as ignorance on her part, but as I was sitting here on the computer I started stewing about it and getting really disappointed in her. It is yet another reminder that no one will ever understand IF unless it happens to them.

I know so many of us have had this kind of experience. I have more than once. I keep thinking it will get easier to hear these comments, but it never does. It hurts every time.