Just Another Infertility Blog

My Last Post Edited

2009-10-11T15:13:00.001-07:00

A year ago I wrote my first post. As I'm writing this one, I'm listening to nursery rhymes as my miracle of a daughter is playing in her gym beside me. I never dreamed a year ago I'd be here in this moment.

I have learned so much about myself and life during my struggle through infertility.

My heart is strong. It has the strength to endure multiple feelings of failure, multiple disappointments, and ultimately, multiple feelings of elation.

My body is strong. It was put through countless tests, blood draws, injections, and procedures. In the end it was able to carry life; for that I am truly blessed.

My marriage is strong. It was put through one of life's ultimate tests. I learned I have a wonderful husband who will always be there for me. We struggled together and he was with me every step of the way. He gave me the strength to continue and the courage to pick myself up and try again.

My friends are strong. Some of the most courageous, brave, determined, intelligent women I have found in my life have been those I have never met. The world of blogging has allowed me to share in the hopes and dreams of others. It has allowed me to find and give endless support. It has allowed me to find a place where I belonged. A place where people "got it."

Infertility is a bitch. It is ugly and unfair. It is life changing no matter what the outcome.

Infertility has made me a better person and for that I am grateful.

*If you'd like to follow my new journey through motherhood you can find me at:

Just Another Motherhood Blog

Just Another Motherhood Blog

2009-10-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

I started another blog.

I wanted a place I could discuss issues other than infertility and pregnancy. I wanted a place I could share my adventures in motherhood, and I didn't think an infertility blog was the right place to do it. I will still have all your journeys on my blog roll and I will continue to follow. Someday I will be able to comment again. It's hard to type with one hand and feed her with the other. The new blog is pretty sparse to start. You'll see why after reading my first post.

I stand by my decision to continue to blog here about my pregnancy. I did not have a guarantee that I would take home a baby. There was so much that could have gone wrong. I did not feel like I had beat infertility's ass until she was born. We finally have the baby we have always wanted. It is time to move on . . .

I hope you continue to follow. I have made so many friends and have found so much support. I would miss hearing from you, but I would understand. Luckily you can't stop me from following you. :)

Just Another Motherhood Blog

My Baby Story

2009-09-14T11:00:00.001-07:00

Here comes my too detailed saga into motherhood. . .

We went in for a scheduled induction Friday morning at 8:30. As we were checking in we saw Dr. Delightful in the hall and he was disappointed that the hospital didn't let us come earlier. (He was only on duty until 8:00 that night).

After admitting we went into an "induction suite" which was bright and very clinical looking as it was originally designed as an OR but they couldn't use it as one because of the attached bathroom. There we sat for about an hour before we even met our nurse (who was a mom at the school I teach at- small world), got an IV line, and was finally greeted by Dr. D. This was going very slow.

The doctor decided to do a foley catheter in my cervix to dilate it. Before the procedure at about 10:00 am I was still only dilated to a one and 25% effaced. After the procedure I asked if this could fall out accidentally or only once I reached 3 cm. He said it was secure and the balloon rarely fails and falls out before dilation. He started me on a small amount of pitocin and left the room. Not two minutes after he leaves the catheter falls out. I was not happy. It wasn't the most painful procedure, but I certainly didn't want to get it done all over again.

He comes right back in and I jokingly say, "Does that mean I'm at a three already?" Turns out I was. I dilated from a one to a three in the course of a few minutes. Things were looking up.

We sat in our "suite" for about another hour before we were finally moved to the labor and delivery room. They kept coming in to up the pitocin every half and hour. It was uncomfortable and I could feel the contractions but they didn't seem very strong and I had a feeling nothing much was happening. My biggest complaint was hunger. I was so hungry. No food with pitocin. The doctor had said they might turn it off around dinner time so I could eat. I was looking forward to that.

Things changed at 3:00 pm. I was laying in bed and I heard a pop and felt a gush. My water had broke on it's own. Then the contractions started to hurt. They were coming so fast. If I would have had a longer break in between them, they would have been more tolerable.

It is important to note here that no one had checked me since around 10:30 am when I was a three. I was seriously considering an epidural for the pain at this point but I had no idea what progress (or lack of) I had made. I also was still very hungry and once I got the epidural there would for sure be no dinner in my future. It was about 4:00 pm and I was told my doctor wouldn't be in to check me until 6:00! There was no way I could take the contractions until then. Screw hunger, contractions won out. I asked for my epidural.

It wasn't until about 5:00 that the wonderful effects of my epidural kicked in. It really was one of the best thing I ever decided to do. At first I was worried it wouldn't work or that one side was taking and the other side wasn't. It did it's job though and I was pain free, and ready for a long night of laboring. I didn't care how long it took anymore. I could finally relax.

I finally had some visitors come in once I was more comfortable, just some immediate family members. Around 7:00 (my doctor was, so far, an hour late checking me) I was surprised to feel a lot of pressure in my ass. I suddenly remembered what they said at our childbirth classes about feeling like you needed to take a BM. I ran this by DH and he looked about as shocked as I was. I wasn't ready for this yet. I had no idea if I was dilated enough for all this. My progress had been a mystery to me all day. I decided to shoo the guests out and ring the nurse. Once I told her my symptoms she said, "I bet your baby is down low and you are about a 9 1/2 or a 10. I will let your nurse know when she gets off break in ten minutes." WHAT?!

By now the pressure was building to the point I felt I needed to push. I told DH to go tell them to come in now! Lazy nurse said she'll go get my nurse off her break to insert my catheter (which hadn't been done yet). This whole time I'm thinking, "Why won't someone stick their hands in my vagina?!" So they both come in and do the catheter. Finally, finally both nurses check me. I was fully dilated and plus three station. Maddy was on her way out.

From then on, things moved quickly. They paged Dr. D who was rounding the corner to finally check me. He agreed I was ready to go. Everyone was running around trying to prepare trays, break down my bed, and all the other delivery things they do. Meanwhile I could not believe I was ready to push. Especially since the whole time (for no real reason) I thought this would end in a c-section. Once I realized how this was going to go down I was ready to get her out as quickly as possible.

The epidural was perfect. I could feel each contraction and I knew when and how to push, but there was no pain, just intense pressure. My friend once told me, "It feels like you're taking the biggest shit of your life." That is a great way to describe it. Although maybe a little gross.

I am very proud to say that it only took 15 minutes from the first push to the last. My nurse told me not to tell many people that. I did pay the price from a fast delivery by a second degree tear as her shoulders sprang out. The pitocin and my contractions did most of the work for me.

It was, looking back, a pretty easy, smooth delivery. I am amazed at what my body could do. Infertility shook me and made me feel broken. In the end I overcame and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. For that, I will be forever grateful.

How about some more pictures?

Pictures

2009-09-10T18:34:00.000-07:00

I hope to update soon and tell my birth story so I don't forget the details. I also hope to get a minute to read my blogroll. I can't wait to catch up. I don't know how you new moms still find time to update your blogs regularly. I'm envious of your multitasking.

Our Miracle

2009-09-07T21:01:00.000-07:00

Madelyn is here!

Born September 4th at 7:45 pm
7 pounds 9 ounces
Worth everything!

I wish I had a pic on this laptop. Will try to send one asap.

She looks perfect to me.

Tomorrow

2009-09-03T13:02:00.000-07:00

To Our Sweet Little Baby,

Tomorrow we meet you.

Tomorrow is the day we have been waiting our whole lives for.

We already know so much about you.

We know you like sleeping in and sleeping hard like Daddy. We know you get "grumpy hungry" like Mommy and kick and fuss until we feed you. We know how much you like ice-cream and how your favorite thing to do is kick and kick your little foot. We know how much you are loved. You are loved by not just Daddy and Mommy, but your grandma and grandpa, your nana and papa, your three uncles and aunts, and countless friends ready and excited to meet you. We know you will be beautiful because you were created out of love and hope and prayers. We know how much you were wanted. We know we are blessed to have you.

Tomorrow we can hold you and kiss you and see your sweet face.

We can't believe this day is almost here.

We love you sweet Madelyn.

You are a dream come true.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

I Have to Vent

2009-09-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Damn fertiles!

Why don't they think before they spew stupidity?

I was talking to a coworker today on the phone. She just had a baby girl four months ago and has been so generous with giving me maternity clothes, baby clothes, a cosleeper, a baby bjorn, the list goes on. She's a lot of fun to hang out with and we have been getting to be friends more than "acquaintances."

She knows of my IVF treatments and her mom and dad went through several IVF attempts before they ended up getting pregnant with her brother and later her, on their own. She also has at least one other friend who has done IVF. Of all my friends, I didn't think she'd be the one to say something so insulting.

We were talking about one of her friends who went through IVF and got pregnant with twins. A few weeks ago she had told me that her friend went into (very) premature labor and lost on of the twins. I asked how her friend and her baby were doing. She said it was really touch and go with the other baby. She sounded sad for her friend and said they have already gone through so much and she hoped this didn't deter her from trying again if something happens to her other baby.

Then she added, "But, this was her second IVF try. Maybe some people's bodies weren't meant to have babies."

Ummm. . . Do you remember who you are speaking to?! Are you saying I am not "meant" to have a baby?!

I got very quiet. Finally I said, "Getting pregnant and carrying a baby are two very different things. Carrying multiples is always more risky. It has nothing to do with her infertility."

Again, poor attempts at back peddling ensued. I really think she had forgotten how I got pregnant.

I initially tried to blow it off as ignorance on her part, but as I was sitting here on the computer I started stewing about it and getting really disappointed in her. It is yet another reminder that no one will ever understand IF unless it happens to them.

I know so many of us have had this kind of experience. I have more than once. I keep thinking it will get easier to hear these comments, but it never does. It hurts every time.

39 Weeks

2009-08-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

But who's counting?

I had my appt with Dr. Delightful today. I had to have my 38 week visit with a midwife last week, so it was great to see him again. I ran down my list of questions and then he took measurements, listened to her heartbeat and did a pelvic exam. I am currently 1 cm dilated, and 25-30% effaced with a soft cervix. Not too bad. At least there is some progress. (By the way, have any of you had spotting after a pelvic in late pregnancy (or anytime in pregnancy for that matter)? I think it is pretty common, but bleeding of any kind I don't really care for.)

I had spoken to him previously about not wanting to go past my due date. I have a few reasons why. First, my blood pressure has been slowly creeping up in the last week or two. I test my urine everyday and there have been no proteins present, so that is good. And I have had no other signs of pre-eclampsia (headaches, swelling, etc.). I think it is the pregnancy slowly taking a toll on my body. My numbers aren't that bad, just different than they usually are. Because of this, he ordered some blood work for me today. If that comes back fine, he isn't very concerned unless my BPs shoot off the charts, then they would just deliver.

The other reason I don't want to go past is my concerns of a baby too big to fit through my pelvis. I am pretty petite and I don't want to try to deliver a baby that has grown past due and experience complications because of that.

But my main reason is the anxiety going beyond would bring me. We. have. come. so. far. I don't want to push it. I figure, we needed all sorts of medical intervention to get her in there, why not use some medical intervention to get her out. :)

Luckily, today the doctor agreed and we scheduled an induction for next Friday, September 4, my due date. As an added bonus, my doctor will be on call in labor and delivery that day. He picked it because of that. At my hospital, when it comes to doctors, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" (also the mantra in my classroom with first graders). I feel very lucky that he might be able to deliver me. It was also reassuring to know that he scheduled me on a day he knew he'd be there. I must not be that annoying to him. :)

So, there you have it. If I don't go into labor on my own (and my BP doesn't become a bitch), next Friday will be the big day.

The countdown is on.

Seven more days.

I can't believe it.

38 weeks

39 weeks

A Milestone

2009-08-18T12:12:00.001-07:00

I've carried my daughter to term.

I am 37w4d today.

Any extra time now is a bonus for her and a source of anticipation for me. It really is a nerve-wracking experience.

I know I've been told to just relax and enjoy this little time you have left to yourself, the resting and the peace and quiet. And most days, I do. I enjoy it very much. I am sleeping like a champ at night and I take an almost daily nap. That first trimester sleepiness is creeping back in.

There are other times when I just want her here. I feel like I am throwing away the last weeks of being pregnant. This most likely is the only time in my life I will be. I should soak up the feeling of her movements, admire my full belly, and savor the life I have growing inside me. I know I will miss it when she's born. But-to-come-so-far-and-to-almost-be-there-but-not- quite-yet is really getting to me. I want to meet her now.

Yet, we wait. . .

**********

In the meantime, would you like to hear my new worry of the week?

You know you do . . .

I should really wear a sign that says, "Please don't give me too much information because I am neurotic and I will feverishly google whatever numbers, terms or facts you wave in front of me."

At my NST on Monday they started with an u/s to measure my fluid levels. I have usually ranged from anywhere between 12-15 on the amniotic fluid index. The nurses told me anywhere between 5 and 20 is normal. That seems like quite a range, but hey I was measuring in the middle so I didn't care.

This Monday the nurse remarks, "Look at this big pocket of fluid. Look at this thing (as she's pointing to the screen). " I said, "That's the space where she can kick her foot." It's true. I think it's the only space she has left to move in and that leg can really get going. Then she says, "Looks like we don't have to worry about running out of fluid with you." After enough of these damn comments I started to get worried. I said, "Is there too much?" "I don't think so but let's add it up." It was up to 20. High end of normal. The nurse was not concerned and thought it was from my being very well hydrated (as shown in my clear urine sample) and the fact that the baby had probably just peed. The doctor who looked at my NST results didn't care either.

I cared.

I googled AFI indexes and read articles on polyhydramnios (excess amniotic fluid) and causes for it, including fetal abnormalities. (Won't I ever learn not to do these things?). Most things I read said that anything over 24 is a diagnosis of polyhydramnois although some said 18 and others said 20. And I read that 60-65% of cases of a mild onset are for no real reason. So I think I am okay with it for now. We'll see what it is Thursday. I love all this monitoring, but for someone like me, too much info can be a very bad thing.

Do you see why part of me just wants her here?

***********

On to more fun topics:

The nursery is complete!! If you count empty picture frames as complete that is. I still need to order prints and get the frames filled. Other than that, everything is hung, assembled, painted, organized and ready to go.

So I introduce her nursery. . . and her name. You will see it hanging above her crib in the second picture. It was the name of DH's grandma and I've always thought it was pretty. (I also like names you can shorten. I'm too lazy to call someone a whole mouthful all the time. :)

Maddy for short.

Don't forget the 37 Week Belly:

Reality

2009-08-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

Two things have occurred this week that have reminded me like a slap to the face just how infertile DH and I are and how fortunate we are to have come this far. It's not that I've ever forgotten, it just hits me harder at some moments more than others.

The first was at my NST last week when the nurse was making my future appointments. She pulled up my information on the screen and I could see it clearly from my chair. My medical history and diagnoses appeared in a little column. It had my standard, "Chronic Hypertension" and my allergies to medication, but as I kept reading I saw "Diminished Ovarian Reserve" "Poor FSH" (I didn't think 8.8 was that poor- but I certainly didn't respond well to stim meds) and "Primary Female Infertility." Again, I hadn't forgotten any of these interesting tidbits about myself, but it hit me hard when I read them. Pregnancy does not change your diagnosis.

I will always be infertile.

The next moment came this weekend when I read Really Letting Go by Brenda. She is one of the strongest, bravest, most supportive women I have come across in the blogosphere. I know I could have just as easily been in her shoes. Her moving, heartbreaking post brought me to tears and reminded me how evil and unfair IF is.

Go read it and meet a truly wonderful person.

Calling All Lovely Lurkers

2009-08-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

I was so happy to receive this award from Michelle.

The rules are:

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs you have newly discovered. Remember to contact the blogger to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Fifteen new blogs that I've recently discovered?! That seemed like quite a feat for me and most of the regular blogs I follow have already received this award. I need new friends to support. So here's what I decided to do.

If you have a blog and are a routine lurker here, consider yourself awarded. All I need in return is a comment from you so I can link back to your blog and learn of someone else's journey with IF (or any other kind of journey for that matter).

If you don't have a blog and are a lurker I urge you to start one sooner rather than later. I can't tell you how many IF blogs I followed before I became brave enough to start my own. It was the best support I have ever found. Finally a place where I felt I belonged and people "got it." It will be one of the best decisions you've made. What better way to start a blog then with an award?

And for my girls who have supported me through my IF, my crazy IVF cycle and my pregnancy- you are truly the best. I still feel like I need support no matter how much closer I get to seeing my daughter. Pregnancy after IF is wonderful, amazing, unbelievable and scary. I could not get through it without you all. If you, my faithful followers, have not received this award, then you most definitely deserve and I pass it to you. I am thankful for you.

Here's to new friends. . .

36 Weeks

2009-08-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our four year anniversary.

We celebrated by getting to see our daughter on an u/s. I had my growth scan and she is estimated at 6 pounds 2 ounces and all the measurements equaled my due date exactly. Something the u/s tech said rarely happens. I'm so glad she's growing on track, despite the high blood pressure meds I've had to take throughout this pregnancy. She's so big now it's hard to get good pictures. We did get a picture of the back of her head and her spine because she was facing away from the machine. She was in a nice birth position. Stay right there please little one. And of course we got another good one of her foot. This is her powerful kicking foot that feels like it will burst out of my side at times.

I had a NST right before the u/s. She was not as active at this one and even juice wasn't helping that much. I guess they got their two movements with good heart accelerations. At one point I heard a strange sound on the monitor for a few seconds. I asked the nurse what it was and she said it was a minor deceleration in the heart rate. I told her she was moving at the time. She said it could be from the baby compressing the cord for a few seconds and it happens all the time. Most people just don't know it happens because they aren't hooked up to monitors. Um. Okay. That's a little too much information for me. And little girl, please stay away from your cord. It's not a toy.

After my appts, DH and I had a nice Italian dinner. I got flowers, a card, and a nice massage. I got him. . . well. . .I got him another day closer to seeing his daughter. This growing a baby is hard work and I have been so tired lately. I did do other things (that did not require shopping)I'm sure he appreciated. . .

I can't believe I am only one week away from what is considered full term. I wouldn't mind if she came two or three weeks from now. I don't know if I want to go four more weeks (or more), not because I feel like I couldn't do it or I'm not up to it, I just want her here and healthy and in my arms so I can see that she is truly real. I don't think my body is doing much of anything to prepare for her arrival though. If I'm having braxton hicks, I don't feel them. I don't think she's "dropped." I doubt I'm dilated or effaced at all (maybe my doc will check on Tuesday). I remember being so scared of preterm labor and cervical incompetence. It is so strange to start hoping for a little contraction here or there, or for my cervix to ripen and open a little. I know she still needs to cook. It's getting hard to be patient.

********

In other news, I got my second blog award from Michelle! Thanks so much for thinking of me! I need to copy and post and my award and send it on. But I'll save it for another post. I really need some ice cream right now. . . :)

Here are my 35 and 36 week pics:

35 weeks

36 weeks

34 Weeks

2009-07-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

I had my first NST on Monday. They start with an u/s every time to check the fluid levels. That was a nice bonus. (So far she is still a girl. Whew!) I guess she didn't like being prodded with the u/s wand because as soon as they hooked me up to the monitors she started going crazy. She doesn't like any pressure on her and was punching at the contraction monitor. One of the nurses accused me (jokingly) of having caffeine. So the whole thing was over in 30 minutes versus the hour they scheduled. I hope she performs that well tomorrow.

I sat next to another girl who was having twin boys and was 31 weeks along. We got to chat a little while when the nurses were out of the room. She was pretty young and young acting. While the thought of her having IF treatments crossed my mind, I'm fairly certain she did not. She was just a little too carefree about her pregnancy. Maybe some woman after IF treatments are. I know I, most certainly, am not.

*********

Project nursery is almost complete! DH has been working so hard. We found these inexpensive wooden letters at Kohl's and we got every letter we needed to spell her name except the "y". We are on a hunt. I call every week after they get a shipment and see if it has arrived. My friend has a Kohl's in Alaska and is checking for me too. I also need to find some things to hang on the walls. It's in the "finishing touches" stage. I will post some pictures as soon as it is all done.

We also need to pack a hospital bag and get some still needed items off our registry. (I just realized the other day, I don't have a diaper bag.) Tomorrow I am going to the mall to find a homecoming outfit for her. We have gotten so many clothes and they're all so cute, but none of them seems to be "the one." Plus, I selfishly wanted to be the one to pick it out and buy it. All little girl clothes are adorable. You really can't go wrong. But, the clothes I love the most are ones that look like a miniature adult clothes. Like an outfit I'd wear if I were that small. Those are pretty easy to find for toddlers over one, but almost impossible to find for a newborn infant. I am determined. I am going to check out "Janie and Jack". Do any of you have that clothing store around? Very expensive, but very cute!

*********

Here is a 34 week belly pic. This one was shot at night instead of the morning. I think that is why I seem about to burst in it. Although it really is getting quite big.

The next picture was taken in the nursery with my precious little dog wrapped around my belly. I admit, it is a bit cheesy, but I like it.

A Date With Dr. Delightful (and Wemberly of Course)

2009-07-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday I had my 33 week appt with Dr. Delightful. DH came with me and got to meet him for the first time. He wasn't running late so that was nice and he willingly wrote the doctor's note I needed for my maternity leave. He is just the best at answering all my questions with thoughtful, complete answers. You can tell he is very knowledgeable and loves what he does. He teaches at the local UC hospital and he enjoys educating people about medicine. He even said that if I see something on the Internet that I should print it out and bring it with me so we can discuss it together. How awesome is that! DH said I like him so much because he thinks just like me.

I knew I needed a non-stress test at 34 weeks due to being a high risk pregnancy (I take meds for chronic high blood pressure). I was under the assumption (thanks to Dr. H and her short, curt explanations) that it was only one that I would have. Wrong. It will be two every week until delivery. I like the sound of that. I'm all for more monitoring and care. I'm grateful not to be working with all those appointments. I was also not aware that I would get another high resolution u/s at 36 weeks to check the growth. Yay!

Then came the best part of the appt- the time to examine the baby. Instead of getting out the doppler, he motioned to DH and said because he was here (and by now I'm sure he could figure out I'm a bit high maintenance and a worrier) that he would do an u/s instead. I said, "Today?"

It is a whole different experience seeing her on the u/s when she is this big. It is bits and pieces of her body that we made out as he moved around my belly. The resolution was poor and I could not make out much more than her heart and spine (even though he was narrating the whole time). Then we got to her head. It was like one of those pictures you have to stare at in order to see two profiles instead of a vase. When I finally made sense of what was on the screen. I shouted "I see it!" It was the cutest thing. You could make out her forehead, shadows for eyes and a cute little button nose. She had her arm covering her mouth. Dr. D. kept trying to get her to move it by pushing on my belly. He said he wanted DH to see a good picture because he doesn't get to feel her move like I do and he wanted him to feel a part of it all. DH enjoyed this male perspective and felt like he was paid attention to at the appt, instead of ignored by Dr. H. I finally had to stop all the pressure because it started to hurt. I swear the two of them were in their own world and my polite grunts and cries of being uncomfortable were going unnoticed until I said, "It's starting to hurt." Then the surprise u/s was over.

Another added bonus, she was head down. Let's hope she stays that way.

************

So it seems a pattern with me that every piece of good news and relief I find with this pregnancy is followed closely by a new worry.

What is it this time you ask? (perhaps with rolling eyes)

Well, yesterday I went to a friend's house for lunch and swimming. She was aware that I could not eat processed deli meats, so she went to a deli that hand carves their turkey meat so it comes out looking like what you'd have on your Thanksgiving plate. I thought, "Oh good. I can eat that." I should have heated it up just to be on the safe side, but my preggo brain was getting the best of me. I felt guilty after I ate it, like I did something wrong. I immediately went home and googled (damn) all I could about listeria and cross contamination in delis and all kinds of horrible things. I felt very stupid for even taking such a "risk." The worst part is the incubation period can range anywhere from 3-70 days. There is no rest for the worriers. I'm sure I'll be less crazy with time.

*************

Tomorrow I will be 34 weeks along. Only three weeks until I'm considered full term and only six weeks until my due date. Sooo close. Sooo far away. What a great time to eat a turkey sandwich. . . :)

33 weeks

Why do I do these things?

2009-07-10T09:34:00.001-07:00

Dr. Google is a bad, bad man.

Let me start at the beginning. . .

I've been feeling pretty good lately. It has been so nice to have the time off to rest whenever I want. I think I have been relaxing too much because in the mornings I have been feeling very groggy and "out of it." Without work my blood pressure has been pretty low. It normally is anyway with the meds I'm on (even before pregnancy), but lately I don't think I've been able to tolerate it. On Wednesday morning I was trying to get my thank you cards done at the kitchen table when I felt very lightheaded and a wave on nausea came over me. This has happened on occasion due to a dip in blood pressure. I took a reading and it was 97/56. Not unheard of for me, but too low for the moment. I laid down for 5 minutes and felt better. I went to finish my cards and it happened again. I decided to call the nurses in charge of watching my BP and they told me that it is probably time I should lower my dose of meds and to make an appt with my doctor.

So that is what I did. I got to meet Dr. D. as in Dr. Delightful. I loved him! He was so much better than Dr. H. Granted he was an hour late as he was also the on call doctor and three of the other docs (including my own) are out on maternity leave. So it was very busy there. Let me tell you, he was worth the wait. He actually answered my questions with more than one word. He cared about my IF journey to get here. He listened and took notes. We decided to cut my meds in half. I was very happy I was there for low and not high blood pressure. Let's hope it stays that way.

While I was there I got a well baby check too- an added bonus! Her heart rate was 150s-160s and she is still measuring a week ahead. During the exam I asked if he could tell what position she was in. He started feeling around and thought she was slightly transverse (sideways). He didn't seemed concerned and said they can still shift, move and settle until about 36 weeks. And even then we could talk about having them try to turn her (not sure how I feel about that).

So off I went all happy to have gotten an extra exam and that I didn't have to wait a month in between appts and excited about my new doctor.

Then yesterday I did something stupid. . .

I decided to google "transverse lies"

Not a good idea.

Apparently it is rare after 20-30 weeks and even more rare at term (1 in 300). Most babies settle breech or head down. I started to read scary things about reasons why babies stay transverse (fetal abnormalities) or what could happen if you are that way in labor (cord prolapse- where the cord comes down into the vagina and gets pinched). Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I had to call my good friend who is a labor and delivery nurse and ask her about this. She said it is fine if she is that way right now. The only time it is dangerous is if your water breaks and you are dilated enough for the cord to hang down. She also said she has plenty of time to turn and asked how the doctor determined her position. When I told her it was through a manual exam not an u/s, she said he was probably wrong anyway. As far as the fetal abnormalities she has never heard of that. One of them was "water on the brain." She said they would have seen that in the u/s. She wasn't concerned, neither was Dr. Delightful, so why am I? Faithful followers, I'm sure you know why. . .

I am working hard on chalking it up to another thing about this pregnancy I can't control and I'll add it to the list of a million other things that can still go wrong. I will try to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and focus on the positive, like how strong I can feel her movements now. The way if feels to see an entire body part move across my belly and how I can't wait to meet her.

We are making some progress on the nursery. We finally got all of DH's stuff out of the extra room and now he needs to paint this weekend and then we can get the furniture set up and things put away. Hopefully in a couple weeks we will be all done.

I'll leave you with some belly pics and "before" nursery pics.

31 Weeks

32 Weeks

DH getting ready to move the computer to the other room. (Don't you love the Coors Light box doubling as an extra trash can? Classy!)

Testing paint colors

The one cute thing I had to put together and see how it looked.

And finally, my poor doggy. He's not happy with all the changes going on in our house. He likes things the same.

He doesn't know what he is in for. . .

30 Weeks

2009-06-29T09:28:00.001-07:00

Let's see. . . what's been happening?

The Sunday after my last post was Father's Day. I got up early and got DH his favorite sinful treat of donuts and coffee. (While I was there I picked up a few for myself. :) I also gave him two cards. One from our dog (I couldn't resist. It had a picture of a wiener dog that looks just like ours on the front that said, "Happy Father's Day from the one who worships the ground you walk on and tries not to pee on it."), and one from the baby and I. He also got to open a gift. It was two UCLA baby outfits (where he went to school). He was very touched that I thought of him. We spent the rest of the day on my dad's patio boat with family and some friends. It was a very nice day.

Saturday I had my second baby shower with family and friends. Everything was so well done and I got many things I needed. DH's dad bought our crib and mattress a while ago, his sister and my MIL bought our glider (and had it assembled at the shower for me to sit in), my mom got us our bedding, my brother and his fiance got us our car seat, and my friend got us the snugrider snap and go bottom to use as our stroller. So, all in all we did really well with big items. There is still a lot more to purchase so DH and I have to prioritize what we need first and just take things from there. We are still trying to clean out the guest room. We made significant progress this weekend as we hauled some old furniture to the dump, found a great deal on some bookcases I needed, and picked out paint colors. I was waiting for the bedding before I could begin. I will take pictures as soon as the big things are done and see what you ladies think. I hope it all comes out looking like it does in my head. My head is a scary place and hard to recreate in real life. :)

My grandma came down for my shower and I am going with her and my mom to see "My Sister's Keeper" and have lunch today. I've read the book and am expecting a real tear jerker. But then again, everything makes me cry these days.

Then tonight is our second of five childbirth preparation classes we signed up for. These are really not DH's favorite. He says, "Why do you have to take classes? Are they going to refuse to deliver your baby if you don't have a certificate of completion or something?" He knows it means a lot to me so he goes. Every night there is a film which I'm sure is the highlight of his evening. During the one last week I could hear him mumbling "Oh my God!" right before the birth. I found it amusing. A lot of ladies were crying but I was too busy laughing at poor DH. In my mind I've decided I will most likely get a c-section. I don't really know what's led me to believe this. I think it's because I am so petite I am afraid she won't fit through or I am convinced she'll be breech (or is it breach?), or who knows what other scenario. I think it comes from the fact that I couldn't get pregnant "naturally", so how in the world would I be able to give birth that way. I feel like these classes are the closest I'll get to a vaginal birth.

I posted a full body shot this week because just the belly looked strange. Like a gigantic blob or something. . .30 weeks!

29 Weeks

2009-06-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

This morning I had my 29 week checkup and last appt with Dr. H. Today was her final day before her maternity leave started. She was really dragging and tired, but I was able to get some good care out of her.

Here is a rundown of my appt:

Heartbeat: 150s-160s (seems normal for her)

Fundal Height: 30 cm (one week ahead- I'm glad. I was worried she wasn't growing)

Position: Head down (for now)

Harry the Hemorrhoid: Not a hemorrhoid!

After an exam by the doctor (just what she wanted to do on her last day) it was found to be a rectal prolapse. (TMI Warning) It is where a part of your inner ass (or rectum scientifically speaking) is hanging out. This can be caused from the growing pressure of your uterus and from the weakening of the anal muscles from all the progesterone. Mine had been prolapsed for so long (a week) that it had developed ulcers and was bleeding and now has some scar tissue formed on it. Fucking lovely! The best part is, I get to try to pop it back into place every time I visit the bathroom. Oh Harry, you and I will get to know each other so well! She said eventually with consistency and time, it will stay in place on its own and should be fine after pregnancy. If someone out there is lucky enough to experience this little pregnancy gem, I hope my blog can help them feel not so alone one day. I never thought I'd get to know my asshole so well . . . Oh well, a small price to pay.

My next appt is not for another four weeks. I thought at this time you started going every two weeks. Whatever. I am doing so much at home monitoring that we can catch a problem better than going every two weeks to the doctor anyway.

I had myself really worked up for this appt and I don't know why. Every week I'm still pregnant feels like such a blessing. I can't believe how far I've come. But Wemberly is ever present and I don't know how to make her go away. I don't think she will until I am holding a healthy baby girl in my arms. And even then, who am I kidding? I hear this is where the true worry begins. I'm hoping the joys outweigh the worries. I am sure they will. I can't wait to find out. . .

Hello Third Trimester!

2009-06-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

Hello burning, fiery, hemorrhoids from hell!

(*Warning: This post contains complaining and TMI*)

First the good news.

I've made it to the third trimester!

I'm done with work until hopefully January!

Now for the complaining part. . .

For those of you who read my blog on a regular basis, you will know that I have not complained about this pregnancy. I have analyzed every symptom to see if it was normal, but I have not complained. I am still not complaining about the pregnancy. I love being pregnant. What I don't love is what showed up on my asshole this week.

I blame it on "Field Day" at work last Wednesday. I was on my feet literally the entire day until about 7 pm. I was tired, but okay. That night I noticed it was uncomfortable to sit at the dining room table for dinner. I thought, I've had an internal hemorrhoid or two before, maybe it's just a flare up. I went to bed thinking nothing of it. That night I could feel searing pain every time I flexed my poor butt muscles. You don't realize how much you do this until it hurts.

I woke up the next morning to a kidney bean sized friend hanging out of my ass. I call him friend in the loosest sense. He's really a fiery hot bastard that causes me pain at every fucking movement. I just about cried Thursday and Friday. I could find no relief unless I laid on my side and didn't move AT ALL. I tried everything, warm baths, cool compresses, tucks pads, suppositories, and finally a little relief with the cream. I say a little relief because now I could walk without waddling. Perhaps this is why some preggos waddle, their butts hurt.

From all the research I could find, there is not much more I can do. Eventually, after pregnancy, if it doesn't go away they can surgically remove it. Yikes! Looks like my friend might be here a while. In that case I've decided to name him, "Harry the Hemorrhoid." Yesterday I started to feel even more relief as he started oozing blood (I told you this was TMI). Maybe he is on the way out (for now). I think not working anymore and getting more rest will help keep him at bay.

Otherwise. . . I am feeling fine. I started testing my urine for proteins this week due to my chronic high blood pressure. I still take my BP twice a day and nurses call once a week for my readings (which so far, knock on wood, have been fine). And I started my kick count card. I hope I am doing it right. When you lay down and really concentrate on movements, you can feel all kinds of flutters and slight movements, which they say counts. I am always hesitant to record them, but in the end I do. The first night it took 40 minutes, last night it took 20 minutes. I am so glad to be done with work so I can focus on all my prenatal chores.

Belly pic time:

27 weeks

28 weeks

Open Mouth Insert Foot or Dumb Ass Fertile Comments

2009-06-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

This morning in the staff room one teacher was talking to another about a pair lesbian mothers that she knows who had IVF (she pronounced it "in vertro") done with one mother's egg and a sperm donor. She then went on to say something that made no sense. The embryo (she actually just called it an egg) split in two and each mother carried an identical twin and they were born five months apart. WTF? Anyway, I was keeping my mouth shut. They weren't talking to me and I was too tired to explain how they were presumably not identical (that kind of thing doesn't happen before transfer right?) and if they were born five months apart, one of the embryos must have come from a FET.

I tried to stay out of it until the coworker listening to the tale turned to me and said, "How can that be that they're five months apart?" (A rhetorical question I'm sure- This lady had no idea I did IVF) So I answered, "One was probably frozen." She then comes back with, "That's weird isn't it? It's not natural. It's sick."

Now I was going to bite my tongue because she has always been nice to me and people are so naive/ignorant to the process of IF treatments. I was doing okay (even though my tongue was bleeding) until she got to "It's sick" and then I lost it (at least on the inside). I could feel that rush of adrenaline you get when you can feel the anger coursing through your body.

I said, "What's sick?"

"The whole thing."

"You think in-vitro is sick?"

"No, no not in-vitro just the whole freezing thing." (trying very badly to back peddle)

I must have a look that spoke volumes. I can't hide any emotion on my face.

"I think the technology's amazing."

"Now I've offended you. I didn't mean to offend you. (Blah, blah, blah.)"

"You know my baby was the result of IVF."

"No I didn't know that, but I realized you must have when you reacted the way you did. I'm sorry."

I could tell she felt like shit but I didn't care. People ass-ume too much. Maybe the pregnant woman sitting next to you did go through IVF. You don't know. Even if she didn't, she might know someone who did. Think a little. And for my dumb ass coworker telling the story, get your facts straight and don't talk about things you don't know.

It was not a pleasant way to start my morning. It brought back a flood of IF memories and rude, thoughtless comments. I need to share my struggles more. I need to open my mouth more. I owe it to myself and everyone else who has struggled with IF.

26 Weeks

2009-05-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

Words I never thought I'd see:

My whole work shower experience was so surreal (and wonderful). I kept feeling like I was at someone else's baby shower. Everything was so nicely done and I got so many things I needed. I realized we have so much to do to prepare our home. All of the presents are shoved into a corner of the dining room. DH and I spent last weekend trying to clean out the closets in the master bedroom so he has room to move all of his stuff in. He currently has all of his things in the other room that I want to convert to the nursery. We are trying to downsize from one room to two and it's not easy after living together for almost 8 years. I want to be past this yucky reorganization part and get to the fun decorating/nesting part. We have a ways to go. . .

Two more weeks of work to go before summer break. I can't wait. I am so ready.

Pregnancy wise, I'm trucking along. I love to feel her move. When she kicks me hard I giggle every time (unless she kicks my cervix-then it's not so funny). It's amazing to me. The other night in bed, DH got to feel some big rolls instead of just punches or kicks. It was very alien-like. It's those times where it hits me that someone else is inside me. I get so spoiled in those movement periods. I want to feel them constantly, 24 hours a day, but I know that doesn't happen yet. I try not to worry when I don't feel her move. The movements have been progressively increasing as the weeks go on. The more I get, the more I want though. (Damn you Wemberely!) My doctor doesn't have me doing a kick counts until 28 weeks. I try to remind myself that it is then you can feel them consistently enough to measure. And that is still two weeks away.

Here are my 25 and 26 week belly pics:

25 weeks

26 weeks

Who wants ice-cream?

2009-05-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

I do!

And luckily, I can eat some. . .I passed my glucose screening test. I am very happy to eat my sugar in peace.

The rest of my 24 week appt also went fine. Her heart rate was 150s to 160s and you could hear her moving around. My fundal height was right on for 24 weeks. I hope she continues to grow on schedule.

I found out that my doctor is leaving when I am 29 weeks for maternity leave. I had no idea she was pregnant. My first thought was "Oh no, I've had a doctor with preggo brain this whole time and I didn't even know it!" (This is a real phenomenon that I didn't believe could happen to me until about a month ago. I take pride in my great memory and now I just feel stupid and forgetful.) I guess her scrubs hid it well. I'm not too broken up about it. I didn't like her that much anyway. There are other doctors there I can choose from. I have one more appt with her and then I'm done with Dr. Coldfish.

I met with a nurse today to "teach" me how to take my blood pressure at home. For those who don't remember, I had chronic high blood pressure before I became pregnant. No real reason why and I tried everything I could in my power to get it down without meds but to no avail. I have been taking Labetalol this whole pregnancy. I'm not too happy about having to do that, but the pros outweigh the cons here. So far it has been working and my BP has been great. I know the farther along I get that could all change, so we are keeping a close eye on it. I have been faithfully taking my BP twice a day anyway, but now I need to record it and report it to a nurse who will call and check up on me once a week. Three weeks from now (at 28 weeks- I'll be 25 weeks tomorrow.) I'll have to dip a protein reading stick in my urine every morning to make sure there is none present. I kind of like all the monitoring and recording. I'm somewhat anal and this is right up my alley. I'm all about staying on top of things. The appt was long and I didn't hear anything I didn't already know, but I'm glad to know they care.

*********

We finally registered last Saturday. I'm glad that chore is done. I tried to research everything ahead of time so I could go through the store as quickly as possible. I could have done most of it online, but it helped to be able to see the actual items. I think we made some good choices.

DH and I went out to dinner last night to celebrate my 33rd birthday. When we got home, the crib we ordered had arrived along with a Moby wrap my friend shipped me for my b-day. It was fun having it all arrive yesterday. I still need to order the bedding set. There is still a ton to do but (for me at least) I have taken big steps this last week.

*******

I never had a chance to write about my Mother's Day. DH was sweet and bought me flowers and a card. It was nice of him to think of me. Our mothers enjoyed the breakfast. I've included a picture along with my 24 week belly shot.

Mother's Day

24 weeks

It's a Dance Party!

2009-05-12T16:15:00.001-07:00

In my uterus. . . and you're all invited.

Okay, maybe not all of you. One baby is enough.

She has been kicking my cervix for a few weeks now. It's mostly a strange sensation that never really hurt, but felt oddly uncomfortable. Yesterday she kicked me hard (in the middle of class) and this one hurt! I shouted, "Ow" and 20 kids whipped their little heads around. I said, "Oh I'm fine." And by that time I was. It was a short, swift, stabbing pain. It was very similar to when your cervix gets hit during sex, but from the other side. I felt pretty sure that was all it was, but I called a nurse just to be sure. She confirmed what I thought.

How big is she? I'm only 23 1/2 weeks and it already hurts when she kicks. What am I in store for? She kicks me in the butt, the cervix, the belly button, the sides, everywhere.

I feel like she's freakishly strong for her age. I am so glad she's active, but I can't help from thinking, "What will the next several weeks be like?"

My next OB appt is Friday. I'll only be 24 weeks, but they are already making me take the glucose test. I really hope I don't fail (can't I just study for it?). I love carbs! I am completely addicted to them and no meal seems satisfying unless I've had them. Oh well, I guess we'll see what happens.

Here's the 23 week belly:

Just Checking In

2009-05-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

I don't have too much to say.

Here are some random ramblings:

Work is still busy as we prepare for Open House next week. It's basically a "dog and pony" show for the parents, with lots of projects, artwork, and crafts for kids to show off. For the teachers, it's exhausting. I'm such a weenie. I don't want to stand on any chairs, tables, or counters to hang things, which makes getting the room ready a real challenge. I have to rely on my teacher's aide to help me and she is only here four hours a week. I honestly don't even really care this year. I just want to get the next few weeks over with and have my summer break.

Got swine flu? I hope not. One of the schools in our district had to shut down for a week because two kids tested positive for it. I'm sorry, but that's a little too close for comfort. I am hoping it isn't as bad as the media makes it out to be. I think everyday I walk into a classroom of six year olds, I am taking my chances of getting the cold or the flu. Hopefully the stakes aren't any higher now. Again, looking forward to June.

Planning Mother's Day stressed me out this year. Most years, DH and I make a brunch for our mothers (who get along very well). It's always been nice, but this year I wanted to go out for a change. After some research I realized just how much places jack up their prices for this "holiday." My expectations were too high as I wanted a restaurant in the wine country around us or on a nice golf course. Unfortunately, these are flippin' expensive. So I was in an internal pickle. I didn't want to budge on brunch out, yet I didn't want to pay those prices. I was determined to find a deal. Finally I did! We found a place on golf course with great views and a heated patio if needed. Instead of a pricey brunch, we can just order off the menu. There will be 10 of us total-my mom, DH's mom and my SIL's mom plus their families. Somehow, all the planning fell on me. I told DH he could do it next year (even though he was a big help this year).

On the pregnancy front, I am a little over 22 weeks. My coworkers are planning a shower for me at the end of this month. It's a little sooner than I'd like, but with school getting out in June, they don't have much choice if they want to give me one. It feels so strange to talk about my shower. This is all still so unreal. I never want to get my hopes up and dive in to this thing head first. The worry still gets in the way. I told them I am not registering until May 16th. I'll be 24 weeks and will just have had a dr.'s appt. This guarantees nothing of course, but I don't think I'll ever be in a place where I feel safe. Someday you have to take the plunge, let go and enjoy. Maybe tomorrow. . .

I guess I had more to say then I thought.

22 Weeks

21 Weeks

2009-04-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

Work last week was really busy for me. Okay, not really busy in comparison to others' jobs, but really busy for lazy ol' me. Mostly it involved going to night functions after my work day ends. (Which for me is 3:15 or as soon as I can lock my classroom door and get to the parking lot. If I don't have a dreaded staff meeting.) I didn't realize how much I count on going straight home and relaxing. Anything more and I realize that I don't quite have the energy I thought I did.

Tuesday I had to do a phone bank. It's where you call people who live in our district and encourage them to vote for a parcel tax that is going to give money to our poor California school. It reminded me why I never thought of going into telemarketing. Luckily most people weren't home or weren't answering their phones so I finished pretty quickly.

Then Wednesday I had to come back to school for the "Read and Scoop" night which encourages families to buy books from the book fair and offers free ice cream. Teachers were encouraged to either read a book or scoop ice cream. I am not into manual labor so I choose to read. I sent all my children subliminal pot smoking messages and read them "Puff the Magic Dragon." (Kidding about the pot message, but I really did read that story). I love that song and the book comes with a CD so at the end I played that as well. I got a personal copy so I can play it for my daughter.

They talk about how important it is to read and sing to your baby in utero so she gets used to your voice. Thanks to my chosen career, I'm all set. That's what I do- read to kids. And everyday we play at least one song to sing. (Usually it's a patriotic song after the pledge. I should play her the CD when she's born and see which ones she recognizes. Not your common nursery songs, but hey, they'll do.)

I can feel her moving more and more now. I can tell when she's rolling, kicking, punching, or her new favorite hobby- stomping on my cervix. ("Hey sweet daughter, please don't do that. It needs to stay shut.") Yesterday DH finally got to feel her too. We were laying in bed and he just kept his hand there. She wasn't kicking until then. Then she gave him a good one and then another. He was so tickled.

I still worry. I am trying hard not to. My "Worry of the Week" was a UTI. My bladder has felt different lately. The pee doesn't come in a steady stream but it comes in spurts. I have no problem emptying my bladder though. Lately at night I have noticed a slight burning after but it goes away quickly. I had a urinalysis done at 18 weeks after the lack of steady stream and it came back fine, but this week after the burning started I requested another just to be sure. I was scaring myself reading about UTIs and preterm labor. I emailed my doctor to get an additional test. She can be such a bitch sometimes. She emails back, "You could get another test, but did you not trust the last one?" Um, it's been three weeks since then. I think you could develop a UTI in that amount of time. I don't need her lip or condescending attitude. I just wanted to pee in a cup. Stupid me assumed she had ordered the test. When I went to the lab after school, they had no record of it. She had been waiting for a response from me. I didn't think her email deserved a response. Needless to say, I finally got the test done and of course it came back all normal. Don't I look the paranoid ass? Oh well, I'd do it all over again for peace of mind.

I'll leave you with a 21 week belly shot. (I'm sorry. I like to document. I know they are looking all the same to you.)

Halfway

2009-04-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

Or so I hope. . . I'd love for her to stay in there another 20 weeks.

I had my OB appt Wednesday. I had several aches and pains to inquire about. The bigger I get, the newer the sensations of pulling, soreness, stretching, you name it. I wouldn't mind them a bit as long as someone could guarantee me they're normal. Nothing I said alarmed my OB. I often wonder if anything would. She's always so damn calm. . . I think she's on to my craziness.

Anyway, after I rattled down my list of symptoms and questions, we got to listen to the heartbeat on the doppler. As we were listening we heard a loud boom-type sound. We all jumped- it was loud. The doctor said it was her moving. We then heard several other little bumps on the monitor. (I couldn't feel anything at the time.)

Finally, at the end of the appt, I had to ask about our u/s results. She said everything looked fine and her anatomy was normal. I would have loved more details, but I'll take that good news and run with it.

My OB is a woman of few words and she is not the warmest soul in the world, (I don't think she really understands pregnancy after IF and the unique worries it brings.) but I am confident she is a good doctor, so I just try to go with that. One thing she is good at is being on time for her appts. and if you email her she gets back to you within an hour or two. For a doctor I think that's amazing and it means a lot to me.

I am feeling her move much more now. Especially in the last few days. Her rolling movements are interrupted with full fledged (gentle) kicks. I wish DH could feel them and to me if feels like they're hard enough that he should be able to, but she is just to little yet. I can't wait until he can share that too.

I've started researching baby things (a little bit). I think I have decided on the crib bedding set and I need to find a crib ASAP because my FIL offered to buy us one and I want to take him up on it before he forgets the offer. :) Maybe after our next appt (in four weeks) I'll think about registering and seriously getting prepared (maybe). . .

(19 weeks)

(20 weeks)

****************

If you haven't already, please stop by Emily's blog and offer your congrats. She just got a long sought after BFP!!!! I'm so happy for her and Sean.

My First Award!

2009-04-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

When it rains it pours. I've never received a blog award before and now I am nominated by two people. Thanks Ashely (Go give her your support. She's about to start IVF #1) and Carrie (Go give her congratulations. She's pregnant with twins!)

Rules of The Sisterhood Award:
1. Put the logo on your blog or post.
2. Nominate 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
3. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
4. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
5. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I have been lucky to have many faithful supporters on my IF journey. And these women have stood by my even after a BFP. I appreciate their continued support, comments, and well wishes. Pregnancy after IF is not easy and everyday I worry. These friends help me through it (and have not yet received this award).

1. Mary @ A Hopeful Unicorn
2. Clio @ Dancing with Gaia
3. Chronicles of . . .
4. PJ @ Infertility on the Brain
5. G @ What Doesn't Kill Me
6. Mandibula @ Hoping for Hoberts
7. Shanny @ I Did, I Do, I Will
8. Brenda @ No Regrets
9. Michelle @ Michelle's Message
10. Kat470 @ My Struggles With Infertility

I Was Wrong. . .

2009-04-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

She's a girl!!

I was totally shocked to find that out at our u/s today. She gave us a great shot of her girly parts so there is no confusion.

We still haven't gotten the full report back as far as her health, but my parts were being agreeable so far. The placenta is back and away from the cervix and the cervix itself was closed and measured 3.9 cm. Our baby weighs in at 11 oz. and is measuring exactly 18w5d (which I am). She was opening and closing her hand and trying to grab onto the umbilical cord. DH and I only got to see her at the end of the whole appt. because the tech had the screen to her for the first 45 minutes taking measurements and getting pictures for the radiologist to read. After that though, the tech was really nice and showed us different views of her and we got some really great pictures.

I was pretty worked up last night worrying that they'd find an empty sac and tell me I've just been getting fat, or the baby wouldn't have a heartbeat, or any other numerous worries I went through. Wemberly and I were BFFs. Of course, I won't fully be able to relax until the final report, but it made me feel better to see her moving around in there.

Now, I know I am pretty biased, but I think she's cute already:

She's got big feet like her daddy.

********************************

DH and I went to Yosemite National Park last weekend with my MIL. We stayed for two nights took some leisurely strolls, ate some great meals and just relaxed. While we were there we made our first baby purchase. Little socks that say "Bears say Grrr." We also went to the mall today after finding out the sex and bought a couple of onsies that I thought were very cute. Having a girl is going to be draining on my pocketbook, although nothing about her has been inexpensive so far anyway.

(This will count as my 18 week belly shot too)
*********************************

And I am so honored! I've been given my first ever blog award by two friends. Thanks Ashley and Carrie! In my next post I'll pass it along. . .

"Dreams", "Is that Gas?" and "My DH"

2009-03-29T08:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a second dream about my baby. I've had several dreams about pregnancy, but only two about my actual child. The first one was shortly after I found out I was pregnant. In the dream I could see inside my body and into the uterus. It was decorated like a nursery in there with a crib, mobile, and other accessories. My baby was floating around in there in a onsie and it was a boy.

In my most recent dream, I was actually giving birth and it was also a boy. I was amazed how cute he was and he was reaching his arms out to me. For some reason the nurses were not taking him to clean and wrap him and DH was worried he was getting cold so I had to snuggle him on my chest to keep him warm. The second part of the dream involved taking him home and forgetting to feed him, not having any diapers in the house to change him, and having done nothing to prepare for him. I know that part was my subconscious talking. . .

So, needless to say, I am leaning heavily towards guessing it's a boy. I will be quite shocked it if it's a girl, but happy none the less. I really have no preference.

********************************

Welcome to this week's fixation: Fetal Movement

Have I felt my baby move?

The answer is. . . yes, no, maybe? I have no idea.

People say it's like a fluttering sensation or bubbles or popcorn popping. If that's the case, I've felt this baby move even before I was pregnant because that sounds like a description of gas to me!

Sometimes I think I can tell the difference and I feel a more profound small pounding sensation. Then I think, "No stupid, It's probably the bean burrito you finished off for lunch."

One night last week I was convinced it had to be the baby. I have been really enjoying the tomatoes, basil and mozzarella cheese combination. I decided to put it all on french bread and grill it for a panini. There was a ton of tomatoes on it. It was yummy. That night I was having yet another dream where my stomach was fluttering. I woke up and felt it for real. I think the baby was pissed in there. I could feel my uterus moving like it was pounding me from the inside with its fists and legs. I then got the worst heart burn I've ever had.

Because I'm twisted, I wanted to recreate the situation a couple nights later to determine what I really felt. I sat down to eat my tomato, basil, mozzarella salad and I couldn't finish it. It no longer tasted good to me. I don't think I can eat it again for a long time. Isn't that strange?

****************************

And finally (because this post has really been for me and my memories) I want to share how much DH has embraced this pregnancy. The larger I get, the more real it becomes for him. Whereas I still feel silly to do it at times, he'll talk to him/her at night before we go to bed. He rubs my tummy and says goodbye to the baby before he leaves. Even though he is the most affectionate, loving man I know, I never knew how he'd respond to an unborn child. It touches me every time.

17 Weeks

16 Weeks

2009-03-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked 16 weeks.

I am awaiting my next u/s on April 8th. I really could care less what sex it is. All I want to know is if it's growing and developing properly. We are going to find out whether it's a girl or a boy though. I've had enough suspense surrounding this pregnancy. I'm ready to find out all I can about my baby.

I finished parent-teacher conferences this week. That's always a relief. Almost all my conferences started off with parents asking, "How are you feeling?" My favorite pat answer, "Better than a month ago."

I made an attempt last weekend to do something to prepare for this baby. My friend S. (preggers with #2) and her a 1 year old took me to the store of all stores. The store that still gives me anxiety, Babies R Us! I wanted her to orientate me to all the needs of an infant. Boy do they need a lot of shit! I was listening closely for the first few aisles or so, then my eyes started to glaze over and I was adding up costs in my head. She told me to just register for everything and then check craigslist and e-bay for the stuff I don't get at the showers. I didn't write anything down and I'm sure I'll need a second tutorial before I register. I just wanted to get a start. It's kind of like I do in the summer when it's time for me to go back and get my classroom ready for the next year. I need one day where I just go in my room and sit and stare at everything, get overwhelmed and walk out. I'm always so much better after that.

I know a lot about getting pregnant, and being pregnant. I know nothing about what comes after that. . .

Getting bigger.

Belly Fascinations

2009-03-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

I was just reading a post by Carrie at Tubeless in Seattle regarding the way people stare at the bellies of women of childbearing age and analyze every roll of fat or bout of bloat for a sign of pregnancy. It's been done to me countless times in the past, before TTC, during TTC, during IF treatments, and of course now during early pregnancy.

A couple of years ago, I must have been in need of an ab routine because on two occasions parents of children at my school stopped me to ask if I was pregnant. Well, actually one said, "Is that a pooch?" (Yes it is. I just had a big lunch. Thanks for asking bitch!) and the other one pointed to my stomach and asked, "Is there a baby in there?" (Not that I'm aware of you ding dong!). Granted I am a petite person and any weight I gain goes straight to my middle and shows up instantly against my otherwise small frame, but give me a freaking break! How rude.

People at work (parents mostly, some staff) have been studying my stomach since I got married. I think many people must have figured I have the longest gestational period known to man and have been perpetually stuck in the early second trimester for years. Keep 'em guessing. That's what I've done.

I've got them all fooled now. Even thought I've told some staff at work, and the parents in my class, I'm sure not everyone has heard. People who don't know are really confused now. They stare at my swollen abdomen and don't know what to say. I let them sweat it out and just smile.

Yesterday a random parent was brave and said, "You're going to have a baby." (Thanks for letting me know!) and then proceeded to rub my stomach! She said she didn't know until today when she saw me walking to the bathroom. She thought I was normally so small that I had to be pregnant. Could you imagine the horror I would have ensued if I hadn't been? Damn people get some manners!

Even those who know, stare and touch. It's strange. For so long I tried to suck in my gut and wear shirts that hid my pooch and tried to avoid looking pregnant at all costs. Now that my belly is once again a fascination (and for a good reason I suppose) I find it hard to adjust. It is the first thing people say about me know when I walk into a room. My TTC and IF journey have been my private matter for so long now that if feels odd to have people discuss my pregnancy so openly.

Please don't get me wrong. I love being pregnant and all the changes it brings to my body and my life. I am just adjusting to a new world I never imagined I'd be a part of. . . belly fascinations and all.

*****************************

My appt on Tuesday went well.

It was actually very quick. They checked my blood pressure. She answered my list of questions and then she found the baby's heartbeat on the doppler. It was in the low 160s.

I was a little afraid to step on the scale but so far I've gained just 5 1/2 pounds. I think it has all gone to my belly (as it always has).

I told her about my cervical concerns. She says she's never seen a previous D&C be the reason for an incomplete cervix. I asked her if I had one if it would be dilating already. She said not at 14 weeks. She also said the reason for the vaginal/cervical pain was probably round ligaments that run down through your vaginal walls and out through your inner thighs. I decided to let it go and not make her check my cervix (I was fully clothed at the time anyway). If it was shut at 11 weeks, I'll ass-ume it was still shut at 14 weeks. I felt better knowing they will routinely check it at my 18 1/2 week u/s, which is scheduled for April 8th.

Here's the15 week belly everyone in my real life has been fascinated with (not much bigger than last week I think. . .).

Wemberly

2009-03-07T07:34:00.000-08:00

There's a children's book called Wemberly Worried and I read it to my class every year. The character is a little mouse who worries about everything. My favorite part is when she worries that everyone will be a butterfly in the Halloween parade. When she arrives, she realizes there are no other butterfly costumes. Then she worries because she is the only one.

Infertility has made me a Wemberly. . .

I don't want to be a Wemberly.

Now that I've hit the second trimester, I've found a new set of things to obsess over. My recent one- cervical incompetence.

Where did I come up with this one you ask? A couple days ago I was sitting on my hard chair at my desk and I felt this cervical/vaginal twinge/pain. It only lasted a few seconds, but from then on the rest of the day I was acutely aware of my lady parts. And I felt/imagined them to be sore. From what I read from Dr. Google, cervical incompetence usually is associated with no feeling or pain. Your cervix just spontaneously dilates without contractions. (Oh, and only 1/100 women present with it. What makes me think I'm so special?). A previous "traumatic" (they dilated you too quickly) D & C puts you at higher risk. I've had a D&C before when I was 19 for extremely heavy and irregular periods (see, I've never been normal "down there"). How do I know if it was traumatic or not? I don't.

Does the logical part of me think I should even let this be a worry right now? Of course not. But the tragic thing I found from this is that they let women go through one, two, or three previous second trimester miscarriages before they consider you at risk for it. How hard is it for doctors to check your cervix at each appt.? It's something that isn't usually done until the end of third trimester.

You can bet your ass, my doctor will check mine on Tuesday at my next appt. Whether she wants to or not. I will just need to explain to her I'm an IF patient. We worry more than the rest and if she can't understand that then maybe I need to find a new doctor. One that specializes in treating Wemberlies.

Stay tuned for my next "Worry of the Week". . .

*******************************

Now onto better topics.

14 Weeks

I've loved being able to look down and see my pooch. I catch the kids in my class staring at it too. I have been popping out quickly. I think it's because my abs weren't toned in the slightest before pregnancy and with my small frame there is no where for anything to go.

And my least favorite reason I'm getting big so fast. . . My husband was 11 lbs. 14 oz when he was born (vaginally). They had to break his collarbone to get him out. He comes from a family of huge babies (0n both sides). I'm only 5'2". What's a girl to do?

DH is getting so excited. Seeing me expand has made it more real for him. Last night at dinner he said, "I can't wait to shop for baby clothes." I almost choked on my sandwich. I thought it was so cute. I never thought I'd hear that sentence come from him.

Meanwhile, I've done nothing to prepare for this baby. Nothing, nada, zilch. No thought has been given to childcare. I haven't purchased a thing. I haven't researched car seats, cribs, or changing tables. I haven't even browsed a baby aisle. That is not like me. I am a person who is prepared and organized.

I feel my only job right now is to grow a healthy baby.

All the rest will fall into place.

13 Weeks

2009-02-28T09:03:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I told my first graders I was "going to have a baby". I actually whispered it to them (literally) because I had parents standing in the back of the room for a field trip and I am not one for big announcements. I figured at least one of the louder children would let their parents know and then the job would be done for me. Sure enough it was. It was getting too hard to keep my belly in (especially after lunchtime) and I was looking forward to not having to wear only certain shirts that were billowy enough to hide it.

I am officially in the second trimester (that's hard to believe). I have more energy and any slight nausea I had has been gone for about two weeks anyway. I am glad the bump is growing, or I wouldn't feel pregnant at all. I have been told by Dr. G. that I have a "dainty uterus" and boy do I feel that thing stretch all the time. Round ligament pain has been an on and off constant for the past week. I have been trying to relax and just go with whatever I'm feeling down there. I still can't help but worry sometimes. I don't think that worry will ever go away, but I am working on it. The further along I get, the easier it becomes.

I will post my first belly pics now:

12 Weeks

13 Weeks

I'm Coming Out

2009-02-23T15:58:00.000-08:00

Today I shared with my coworkers that I was expecting.

It was harder to do than I thought.

Most people had suspected it and all of them were of course so happy for me. I only told three of the ones I felt most comfortable with about my IVF. I am not keeping it a secret, I just felt like it was a little all at once to tell my story over and over again to each person. I will slowly let people know what I went through. This was enough for one day.

I brought an u/s pic so I could just show them and they'd know. It felt too awkward to announce it out loud. It still doesn't seem real. I'm not sure when it will. . . I always think, maybe after the next doctor's appt, maybe after the next u/s, maybe after I get even bigger.

The feelings that come with pregnancy after IF are most definitely unique.

One of our office secretaries (with two grown kids) asked how long I've been trying. She's the only one who asked. I said it wasn't easy and we'd been trying for awhile. She held up her fingers and told me they tried for four years. I instantly felt a bond with her I've never had before. I confided how strange (and wonderful) it felt to finally be pregnant. She nodded her head and said that you never forget how it feels to hurt like that.

It made me realize how many people that we see everyday struggle, or have struggled, with IF and we never know. It can be such a silent battle. It was for me for a long time. So much so that even now it is hard to come out with all of it, but I really feel that's what needs to be done. Especially when all people hear about IF or IVF comes from the media and quacks who have 14 children.

****************************************

I'll end on a sweet note.

Last night DH was sitting on the couch. When I walked by he grabbed me, pulled up my sweater and kissed my belly. I almost started crying. I know how much he wants this now. I think it took our IF for him to truly realize it. That is one of the good things that came out of all of this.

I Have Hair Where?

2009-02-19T16:03:00.000-08:00

My body parts they are a changing.

Last night I was telling DH how bloated I was feeling. At night I look huge. I've always been easy to swell up in the midsection, but now it is just out of control. By the time I wake up in the morning is much more presentable, but after lunch it is hard to hide the pooch. Which makes work interesting. No one knows yet. I might tell the girls I work with Monday. I am going to wait until next Friday to tell my class and their parents. I've already had some stares in my direction. (No one is saying anything because they all assume, rightly so I guess, that I'm infertile. Even though I've never discussed it with any of them.)

So last night I pull up my sweatshirt to reveal my bloated stomach and I noticed hair. That's right, a thin trail of hair from in between my boobs down to my belly button. Ewww. Part of me was disgusted, part of me was giddy. It was the first real thing I've seen that is different than anything I had before my pregnancy. I've always peed a lot, tired easily, ate a ton, had big boobs, gained weight in my midsection, and been an emotional person. Pregnancy so far had just heightened those things. To see this was a sign to me that things are going to start changing. I've noticed my hips begin to spread too. It is amazing to me. I welcome all the changes.

I realized maybe I should start taking belly shots (in the morning of course- we don't want to scare anyone). Tomorrow I'll be 12 weeks. I think that's a good place to start.

*******************************************

Speaking of 12 weeks, I can finally stop taking my medication after tonight. (I switched from PIO shots to prometrium at 10 weeks.) After today I will stop the suppositories, estrogen and asprin. My clinic makes everyone take them that long regardless. They don't check your hormone levels past your second beta. It's a catch all approach I guess. I hope I don't experience any ill effects from stopping them all cold turkey. I assume after 12 weeks they don't do much to help anyway because the placenta is supposed to be taking over.

***********************************

I emailed my OB about the apparent second sac we saw last week. I wanted to confirm that it wouldn't affect the growing fetus. I feel like the meds I've been taking have been sustaining the empty sac and when I stop them I'll experience bleeding (which will cause me great anxiety).

She seemed to doubt that we even saw a second one because no scan had picked it up before. (Then what the hell was it? Whatever, I know what I saw.) She then went on to say that if it was, it would just be slowly absorbed by the body throughout the pregnancy and it shouldn't have a negative impact on the fetus. Let's hope.

I failed to post my 11 week pic. Probably because the quality was so bad. I will do it now. If you look closely in the upper left hand corner of the picture, you can see what I think shows the second sac. I'm sure Dr. G. would have known what is was. OBs should have more training on IF issues.

You can only see the back of the head, back and butt. The baby is being camera shy.

Today I Almost Had a Heart Attack. . .

2009-02-12T16:12:00.000-08:00

But luckily everything was fine.

I had my 11 week ultrasound today.

In went the dildo cam.

Then we saw. . . an empty fucking gestational sac!

Just the yolk sac and no baby!!

My last ultrasound at 9 1/2 weeks showed a decent size baby in there. I know I've had some spotting, but I also know I have not passed a fetus. I think 10 days is pretty soon to be reabsorbed by the body. I thought at worst we'd see a baby with no heartbeat that had stopped growing. I was never expecting to see this.

Where was my baby?!

I said, "Can it just disappear?" She nurse practitioner looked confused too. Finally (after zooming in on the empty sac) she kept moving the cam around and finally found the one with the baby in it! I almost died from panic. Leave it to DH to put two and two together and he asked if that could be left over from the other egg they transferred. If it could have implanted and then stopped growing. I'm convinced that's what it was. It's the only thing that makes sense. Even though no one had ever been able to see it before. The nurse should have been thinking of that option when she was in there. She knew we came from infertility. Stupid lady still seemed a little confused. She kept apologizing.

The good news is, the baby is growing on track and has a strong heartbeat. My heart was racing just as much as my baby's I'm sure. Talk about stress! It seemed so much bigger than just 10 days ago. Much more substantial than I've seen before. We had a view of the back of its head and butt. It was the best thing I had ever seen. Even if the resolution on the machine was terrible (which it was).

We go back on March 8th for a check-up. My next u/s won't be until the big 18-20 week one on April 8th. After the emotional roller coaster of today's u/s maybe it won't be so bad not to have one for awhile. . .

Feeling Out of Place

2009-02-10T16:01:00.000-08:00

Last night DH and I went to an early prenatal class our OB made us take. Part of me used to be so jealous of my friends who got to go for their pregnancies. It was another thing I couldn't be a part of. What was I thinking. . . This class sucked!

I knew they probably were not going to tell me anything I didn't already know. If being infertile teaches you anything, it teaches you how to research. I have researched the hell out of this pregnancy so far. I probably know too much. DH was dragging his heels, but he came. He also suspected we wouldn't learn anything new.

Why do the most annoying people in the world run these types of things? We had grandma up there hamming it up. Before we started we had to go around and introduce ourselves and tell how far along we were, our due date, and what number pregnancy this was. Shoot me now.

I'm sure this lady had no formal medical training. I caught her several times giving out the wrong (or incomplete) information. I hate people who speak condescendingly to you about important things. Tell it straight, and leave your stupid anecdotes out of it. The night would have moved a whole lot faster.

The best part of the evening came when she asked for a show of hands how many people had to POAS multiple times because they were in shock and so surprised. Actually lady, I didn't need to test again because I got a call with my blood test results about an hour after. Then I got to sit on pins and needles and go back three days later and test again. No "How did this happen?" moment for me.

What got to me most was that almost everyone was younger and by far more naive about their pregnancy than us. It felt like we were at a cult gathering or something. Everyone was so giddy and stupidly pregnant. Grandma would make some lame joke and everybody laughed. I would bet money that no one else there came from IF treatments. Don't get me wrong. I'm giddy too. I'm so grateful. I am also sad that I feel I have been robbed of a normal pregnancy because the stakes are so high. If something happens we are back to square one in a big way. I was jealous that they could take it all so seemingly light. The whole night felt very surreal to me. Never had a belonged in a place and yet felt so out of place. Maybe time will help me fit into this new world. I still don't feel like I'm a part of it.

DH and I left at breaktime. We were outta there!

*********************************

I shared my news with some close friends from high school this weekend. These were the first people I told who were not aware of any of our IF struggles. They were so happy for me. What I realized though, is that they didn't really get it. They didn't really get how painful it was. They didn't really get what we went through. We all know IF is a unique kind of pain and one no one can understand unless they go through it.

Here is an example of a comment one of them made when another shared that her friend got pregnant with triplets after IVF. Unfortunately, she miscarried two of the three in the first trimester. Someone said, "Do you think she's relieved to only have one now?" My other friend answered, "We haven't really talked about it, but I'm sure she is." I bet your ass she's not. She loved and worked hard for all those babies. I'm sure she grieved for them. That might have been her only shot at having more than one child. Really? Relieved?

It just shows how out of touch they are with the struggles that I and so many others have been through. I realize now they will never get it. I hope for their sake they are never forced to.

My Super Spotty, Super Scary, Super Bowl Weekend

2009-02-02T16:04:00.000-08:00

Ugh!

Seriously?

I hate spotting. Like f*cking clockwork it seems to happen every weekend. Saturday night was the worst I've seen it. We were at my mother-in-law's to celebrate DH's brother's b-day. I had rested all day and I was looking forward to a nice dinner.

Every other time I have spotted during this pregnancy I have been around my MIL. Every single time, without fail. I'm not kidding. It happens so much that I said to DH before we left that if I spot tonight, I am not seeing your mother for eight months. No joke, it happened again.

I was feeling bowel type cramps and my hemorrhoids (had them before pregnancy too) felt painful and irritated. I am pretty good at knowing the difference between my abdomen sensations so I was super shocked to see dark pink/light red bright spotting on the tp. I was freaking out! It was more than the light pink I had seen before. I immediately laid down in the guest room and did not join anyone for dinner. That was the worst of it. From then on it turned light pink, then brown.

What also alarmed me was that the brown bleeding continued through Saturday night, all day Sunday and is still hanging around today (though getting lighter). Sunday was strict self-proclaimed bedrest for me. DH and I abandoned our super bowl plans and we had our own private party. He made snacks and it would have been great if I wasn't so worried about the spotting.

I had decided that if it hadn't completely stopped by this morning I would try to make an appt. Getting an appt with my OB is like trying to get past airport security with a weapon, almost impossible. A nurse had sympathy on me for being an IF patient and got me in.

Dr. H. wheeled in the dildo came and looked at me like, "How did you get past security? Spotting can be completely normal?" I looked at her like, "Listen bitch, just do your thing or I'll do it for you." I sure miss Dr. G. sometimes. DH was not very impressed with her either. She can give a mean pap smear, but bedside manner is not her strong suit. I didn't need a best friend. I just needed to know everything was okay.

And (thank God) it was. We even got to see the baby move! Its profile was towards us most of the time but once it turned to face us quickly and then turned back just as fast. DH said it was pointing its finger at us. "Ha, ha got you! This won't be the last time I make you worry." It looked like it was pumping its fists like a boxer. (I hate calling the baby "it", but what else are you going to do right now? Say "the baby" a million times? Use he/she repeatedly?)

When asked the reason for the spotting, no one ever has an answer. She said it could be implantation bleeding. To which I said, "Didn't that happen a long time ago?" She said it could take a while to come all the way out. Bullshit, not buying that one. Then she said it could be from the cervix. That one sounds more like it because I've always had a sensitive cervix and bleed at exams and stuff sometimes. She had no interest in examining it though. I hope I get better service next week with the nurse practitioner.

So here's our latest u/s pic. DH says we have more pictures of our baby already than he ever did of him as a baby (poor ignored third child). Only 10 more days until our next u/s. I'll be holding my breath as I always do. . .

8 Week Ultrasound

2009-01-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

First of all, we had a great appointment! The baby seemed so much bigger to me and measured right on target at 8 weeks exactly. The heartbeat was also much faster and stronger sounding. Sadly, we didn't get to see Dr. G today for our last RE appt (God willing- I never want to go back there). We had a NP that I had never met instead. She didn't measure the heartbeat, but she "guessed" it to be between 140 and 150. That sounded fine to me. She also did some sort of heat sensitivity setting on the dildo cam (a new feature) and I got to see my blood flow to the uterus, the blood flow of the baby and where our blood joined. She said it all looked great. I was worried before the appt. again, as I assume I'll be every time. She did not announce the heartbeat right away as Dr. G did and she seemed to have trouble positioning the dildo cam just right. It caused DH and I some nervous moments at first. I am so used to Dr. G. I guess this prepared me for my transition to my OB.

I've included a picture for my prosperity. These pics still look like blobs to me. The quality here is never good, but at the appt. I could make out little arm and leg buds (at least that's what I think they were). The growth in just 11 days was amazing.

I have an appt. with a "prenatal clerk" on Tuesday where she will tell me everything I probably already know. (As if I haven't already researched too much for my own good!) I'll get lab work done and then schedule another ultrasound. I tell you, an infertile can get spoiled with all these glimpses at their baby. One of the rare perks of pregnancy after IF.

My symptoms have been mild. Still just waves of nausea that come and go. They have not interfered with my appetite one bit and I'm eating a ton. I find if I eat constantly and get a good night sleep, I feel okay. I am a little more rundown, but not too bad. Or maybe I don't remember what if feels like to be "normal." Countless people at work have asked if I was okay and have stared as if something is not quite right with me. They'll understand in about a month.

On a final note, I do plan to use this blog to document my pregnancy. However, it will still be a place for me to vent my frustrations of the fertile world around me. (Just yesterday at the RE's office I got angry over the treatment of infertiles but that's another story for another day.) I'll never forget the struggles it has taken me to get this far. My journey is far from over and I am still thankful for your constant support. You are all amazing!

What's Up Kate?

2009-01-17T09:08:00.000-08:00

How many of you have seen the TLC program "Jon and Kate Plus Eight"? You know, the one who had two sets of multiples, twins and sextuplets? Come on, raise your hands high. It is one of my guilty pleasures too. She is a totally organized, anal retentive, type A personality, much like myself at times. Her kids are cute, although Maddy can be a brat (but hey, she's seven). It's a funny show.

And most importantly Kate is a fellow infertile, right?

Then why the hell does she never talk about it?

I remember the first season, the show opened with their voice overs and Kate saying something about "When we couldn't get pregnant on our own, we turned to fertility treatments and had our beautiful twin girls." Okay, fair enough. You are honest about being infertile. You don't need to go into excruciating details about it. It's your life, some things can be private.

By the next season, any previous talk of infertility was gone.

The episode that made me the most frustrated was the one that showed Jon and Kate "The Early Years." It was when they were describing how they met, their wedding, etc. When it got to the part about infertility, Kate mentions she had PCOS and tried once and didn't succeed and then got pregnant on the second attempt. She then proceeds to show the positive pee stick video footage and says, "This pregnancy is the most wanted pregnancy in the whole world (I'll give her that) and it is the result of determination, dedication and blah, blah, blah." You know what Kate? If all infertile woman who were dedicated and determined got their BFP then the world would be a fair place. . . but it's not.

What bothers me the most about Kate is that she has a wonderful opportunity to share her struggles through IF with the world, and she just breezes over it. Some might argue that it's her life and she doesn't have to share her most intimate feelings and experiences. Well guess what? She does. Every single episode. She puts her kids on T.V. and takes pictures of the with their first poops, and we've watched her go for a tummy tuck. Doesn't make PCOS look so intimate now does it?

Why can't she reach out to woman who are going through the same struggles she did? Why does she try to sweep it under the rug? Did she not have the same feelings of loss, isolation, panic, despair? Why is it so easy for her to forget? Is she ashamed?

The reason I never spoke of my troubles TTC with people before was to save myself some of the hurt. There were days I didn't want to speak of IF. I didn't want people to walk on eggshells around me or look at me like some kind of freak. I wanted my privacy while I dealt with it. I've always wondered if I'd tell people that I became pregnant through IVF. Is it really anyone's business? I have no doubts now. When the time comes, I will shout it from the rooftops. If someone can overhear my struggles and find some comfort in their own, then my IF wasn't for naught.

Another blogger who was finally pregnant after IF wrote several posts regarding "crossing over" from infertility to fertility. I'm sorry, but that will never be me. DH and I will always be infertile. I pray with everything I have that we will be infertile with a child someday, but we will never be fertile. We will never be able to get pregnant on our own, without medical intervention. We will never forget the struggles we went through. I will never turn my back on the people who've offered me so much support. I will never be ashamed.

Infertility will never define me, but it will always be a part of who I am.

So shame on you Kate!

You could have done some good.

Introducing. . .

2009-01-12T16:00:00.000-08:00

I know, the pictures are hard to make out. The one on the top measures the embryo with the egg sack underneath and the picture on the bottom shows my uterus.

Here are the stats:

1 baby

Measures right on track 6w3d

Heart Rate 126 BPM

We are so happy! I was so worried about the appointment. I know there are so many things that could have/still can go wrong. It was nice to have an easy appt. for a change.

We had to wait as Dr. G. was almost one hour late. He had an emergency right before me. Sounds like a worst nightmare come to life. The poor lady was there for her 7 1/2 week u/s after having a normal 6 week one. They knew she had a baby in her uterus, but at this appt. they found one in her tube as well. He was on the phone scheduling her surgery. Scary! He checked my tubes as thoroughly as he could. He couldn't find anything so far. He seemed a little rattled from his earlier appt. so hopefully he checked very well.

I asked him about my ovary pain and he looked at those as well. I have a couple of corpus luteum cyst on the right side and one on the left. Looks like all that estrogen is giving the ovaries a run for their money. They are pretty small and he was not concerned about them. I think this explains my pain.

I also had a fright last night. After an afternoon at the mall looking for comfortable shoes, I came home and saw pink spotting. I laid down the rest of the evening and it went away. It freaked me out. It was nice to have my appt. right after that. He couldn't see any blood pooled around the sack. He just said to take it easy and avoid intercourse (poor DH- he hasn't gotten any in a long time). He reiterated there is really nothing you can do to change the course of events, but following these suggestions make women feel like they are doing all they can. So true.

The best part of the appt. was getting to actually hear the heartbeat! I didn't know you could actually hear it so early. That made things feel a little more real. I just kept saying "That's so weird." What a mature reaction. This whole thing is so surreal. I feel like I am living someone else's life.

I pray this will continue

I am so thankful to have come this far!

I'm an over-anaylzer. Are you?

2009-01-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

First of all, I've been tagged! Thanks Brenda

Now, the way this works, is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Where is your significant other? Work
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Sensitive
5. Your father? Calm
6. Your favorite thing? Relaxing
7. Your dream last night? Strange
8. Your dream/goal? Mommy
9. The room you're in? Guestroom
10. Your hobby? Computer
11. Your fear? Fire
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Easy-going
15. One of your wish list items? Baby
16. Where you grew up? California
17. The last thing you did? Work
18. What are you wearing? PJs
19. Your T.V.? On
20. Your pet? Rudy
21. Your computer? Great
22. Your mood? Overwhelmed
23. Missing someone? DH
24. Your car? Honda
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Old Navy
27. Your Summer? Disappointing
28. Love someone? DH
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Today

Now, I've read a lot of blogs and I think everyone has already done this one. If you haven't come and join in all the fun!

********************************

Meanwhile, I've been having trouble following my plan to relax and enjoy this pregnancy. I have been driving poor DH nuts with my questioning of every symptom. Mainly I don't like all the sensations that go on in the abdomen area. I know there is a lot going on in there, but please. I analyze all of it. There's no escaping it. It's a constant 24/7 thing. I am waaaaaaaaay to in tune with my body.

My biggest concern was that my right ovary has been tender since after retrieval and has been getting worse. The sensations come and go. Sometimes it is a sharp pain and other times a dull ache. I am trying not to worry about an ectopic pregnancy (I love to imagine myself in the worst case scenario. Healthy huh?). The pain is not any worse than when I ovulate, but I don't like it. I broke down and called Nurse Long Pause. She didn't skip a beat this time and sounded bored. She said the ovary was stimulated more than usual for retrieval. You initially feel better after ER and then if you get pregnant, you start to feel many of the same symptoms you felt during stimming because your estrogen is rising again (especially thanks to the estrace I take three times a day). That made sense to me but I asked her about an ectopic anyway and she said "Oh you'd know. We wouldn't be having a conversation like this." Hmmm. . . I guess I'll find out Monday.

(If you have something very scary to say on this topic, please refrain. I can't take the added stress. If however, you have had similar issues or words of encouragement, then comment away.)

I love DH. He has been so excited. He is a realist like myself, but he is trying to enjoy this happy time. I need to find a way to join him. I will get there.

I will, I will, I will. . .

Random Updates

2009-01-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

I'm so not technologically savvy. I like to think I'm better than I am, but this stupid little chart has got the best of me. I had to print it and then scan it in. The quality is not great, but at least It is here now for prosperity.

My hormone levels (documented for my information):

12/26/08 (Beta #1) HCG- 324, E2- 917, P4- 100

12/29/08 (Beta #2) HCG- 656, E2- 897, P4- 101

I scheduled my first ultrasound for Monday the 12th. I will be 6 weeks and 3 days. I finally got to talk to Nurse X as all the other updates were coming from their other facility because my local one had been closed over the holidays. I have decided to rename her "Nurse Long Pause." She's the one who made me feel so bad when I called in October to discuss IVF#2. She had all the long pauses and was pretty much writing me off after one crappy cycle (from My First Post). Well, when I called for my ultrasound she did it again.

Me: I just got my second beta results and the other office told me to call you today to schedule an ultrasound.

Nurse Long Pause: (long pause) Okay, let me see.

Nurse Long Pause: (long pause)

Nurse Long Pause: Okay, your numbers look good. (I guess I passed her test- Now can we just get my ultrasound scheduled?)

Me: Why is my progesterone so high? Is it from my PIO shots?

Nurse Long Pause: That could be it, or with your high numbers, you could be carrying two.

Me: I guess we'll see.

Nurse Long Pause: (long pause)

Nurse Long Pause: How about Friday, the 9th?

Me: That sounds a little early to hear a heartbeat.

Nurse Long Pause: Yeah, you don't want to have to come in again. (long pause) How about the 12th?

Me: Great

Nurse Long Pause: Happy New Year.

I have no idea why I decided to dialogue that. I think it is because that conversation made me realize that is just the kind of woman she is and maybe I shouldn't have taken her attitude a few months ago so personally. But I did. I wonder how many other women's feelings she has hurt. Don't they realize they are dealing with infertiles whose emotions are raw?

Symptoms wise, not too much going on.

I have been sleeping a lot more. I go to bed about 8:30 and get up at 7:00 when DH leaves for work. The last three days I have been taking an afternoon nap and I am not normally a napper

I feel all kinds of strange sensations down below, stretching, pulling, gas pains, etc.

My lower back has been pretty sore especially at night and in the morning. It cracks down there sometimes. I hear it is from all the hormones starting to loosen your ligaments. It is probably my top symptom right now. I had some lower back problems before all this, so I'm afraid I am in for a long haul. The heating pad has been my friend.

No real nausea. Sometimes I will get waves of it and it will pass in seconds.

I'm always hungry and I always pee a lot so no change there.

Today I am 5 weeks. This is going very slow. Going back to work on Monday will come as a welcome distraction.

But what will I do with all the kids while I'm napping? . . .

Beta #2 = 656

2008-12-29T15:30:00.000-08:00

I realize now what an overachiever I strive to be.

Beta #2 was done 72 hours after the first because of the weekend. My numbers went from 324 on Friday to 656 today. That is a 48 hour doubling rate of 60% which just cuts the mustard. I don't like just cutting it. I like to surpass. I need to remember I'm dealing with my reproductive system which has never been stellar to begin with. I should be happy with just getting by. My clinic said my numbers were good and to call tomorrow to schedule an ultrasound. They said "Congratulations." They sound pleased so I should be too. I am glad there are no more betas scheduled until then (I hope).

I wanted to put that fun little HCG chart from babymed on here, but I cannot figure out how to cut and paste just the chart. I am still kind of new at this blogging stuff. . .

I was commenting on PJ's blog that infertiles get too much information after they become pregnant. Most of my fertile friends just pee on a stick and go in for an ultrasound 8-10 weeks later. They probably don't even know what betas are and could care less about doubling times. We, however, get to jump hurdle after hurdle and hope we clear each one. STRESS! Who needs it? I don't.

I'm happy. Today could have easily gone the other way. They say the ultrasound is a bigger indicator of a successful pregnancy than beta numbers anyway. I'll save my worry for then.

As I said before, I am going to try my best to enjoy this pregnancy. I am going to try my best not to worry. I am going to try my best not to fixate. I am going to try my best not to obsess. I am going to keep telling myself this until it sinks in.

My Belated Christmas Present. . .

2008-12-26T12:21:00.001-08:00

BFP!!!!!

We are in complete shock! It really hasn't sunk in yet. I find it hard to believe I'm writing a post like this.

Our beta was this morning. I knew I wanted to come home and POAS. I needed to find out myself before a random nurse broke the news to me. DH and I were so nervous. We just held each other for those excruciating three minutes. The pee stick has never been a friend of mine, and I just couldn't fathom how this time would be any different. We held hands on our way to check and neither of us really wanted to look. When we finally did, we were in disbelief! I still am. I walked around the house for about 20 minutes with that thing in my hand just staring at it. (DH kept asking me when I was going to put it down. He was also a tad grossed out that my pee stick came dangerously close to his face whenever I tried to hug him. )

I was pleased the line was so dark, but I was going to hold out for the beta number. The nurse just called. My 1st beta is 324! That sounds kind of high. She said she'd be happy with anything over 50. That's a big number to double. I hope it continues to rise.

There are so many things I could worry about, fixate on, obsess over. I made a conscious decision before these results to try to enjoy every minute of this for what it is; to try not to preoccupy myself with all the hurdles to come. It will be hard, but I will try.

Today is a good day!

A Picture Tag and the 2WW

2008-12-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

After reading Jill's blog at Desperately Seeking Spawn. I became intrigued over her picture tag game. Here are the rules:

1) Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer
2) Select the 4th picture in the folder
3) Explain the picture
4) Tag 4 people to do the same. NO CHEATING! (cropping, editing, etc!)

I've never posted a personal pic before, especially a random one, but when I saw which pic it would be, I thought I'd go for it.

This was obviously taken at our wedding a little over three years ago. We got married at a golf course in the wine country. It was a picture perfect day despite the fact that our stupid DJ played the wrong song as I was walking down the aisle. I get pissed off thinking about it to this day. Oh well, it was still one of the best days of my life. My bridesmaids are (left to right)

1. DH's sister, my SIL

2. My good friend from college (mentioned in this post)

3. A fellow teaching buddy and super-supportive friend (mentioned in this post)

4. My other SIL, fellow teacher, friend and the reason I met DH (DH's brother's wife, mentioned in this post)

5. My maid of honor. I've known her since college and now, sadly, she lives all the way in Alaska. She visits often though.

There I did it.

I tag the following people to do the same:

1.Brenda at No Regrets (one of my first friends in the blogging world and a constant source of support)

2.Emily at What to Expect When Your NOT Expecting (I loved all the pictures from your last post. What's one more?)

3. G at What doesn't kill me. . . (Let's see some pictures from Australia.)

4. PJ at Infertility on the Brain (Come on. Be brave. I did it. Teachers love things like this. Right?)

**********************

In other news. . . The 2ww is finally getting hard. I realize now how torterous this is. Work was a great distraction last week and now I am left with nothing but my thoughts. Yesterday afternoon I had one bout of discolored light brown spotting when I wiped. I was 8dp2dt. I think that is too late for implantation spotting. I immediately thought it was my period trying to come and the hormones were holding it back. I usually only have a 10 day luteal phase. That could still be the case, but so far I haven't seen anything since and I don't want to see anything like it again. I want to live in ignorant bliss a few days longer. Let me pretend all is well. I might very well be dissapointed soon enough, but please, not yet. I want to hold on to this wonderful thing called hope. . .

7dp2dt

2008-12-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

Did I get the lettering right? I've never titled a post like this.

Progesterone is kicking my ass! (pun intended)

Not only does it feel like I've been literally kicked in the ass after each shot, but it is making me crazy. Really, really crazy.

I had been doing great up until about 5dp2dt. I actually felt good. I had lots of energy, my boobs weren't that sore, no cramping, not overly emotional. Then Friday afternoon I got some slight cramping for about two hours. I thought it was because I was a little late taking my afternoon estrogen. Even though they say some cramping is a good thing, I don't like it. It reminds me of how I feel before AF and I don't want her to come.

Yesterday, I woke up very weepy and emotional. Nothing new with me. I've been hormotional (thanks Brenda) all cycle. This was some new kind of crazy I have never experienced before. DH and I had been arguing all morning (can you say stress). We stopped by Starbucks and I almost had an out loud sobbing attack right there in the middle of the store. A weird noise came out of my mouth and I tried to cover it with a cough. It felt like a surge of hormones course through my body. I'm not kidding. Then it passed and I could regroup.

The same thing happened at church later that night (We've been going lately. We are both not super religious. I was raised Catholic- in the loosest sense- and DH had no religion at home, but has been wanting to attend recently). This time the wave of hormones came with the urge to laugh uncontrollably right in the middle of church. Highly inappropriate and I again tried to hide it with coughing. Before it passed I got a hot flash and broke out in a sweat. I was crampy throughout the night.

I thought stim drugs were bad, progesterone is insane!

Trying to Take It Easy. . .

2008-12-17T16:19:00.000-08:00

. . .is not so easy.

Not because I'm obsessing about my 2ww. I'm barely on Day 5. Most people are getting their transfers at this time. The hard thing about a Day 2 transfer is you get more days of responsibility. I've been carrying around these little embies for days already and I hope I am doing right by them.

Going back to work has been the opposite of my first two days of bedrest. I didn't realize teaching is physically exhausting. Teachers are always on their feet, and are constantly talking and moving around. And to add to the chaos, tomorrow is our annual holiday show. Today I had to pick up and move chairs. The chairs were by no means heavy and I only moved two of them, but I immediately became concerned that I did something wrong. I felt fine, but my paranoid nature started kicking in. Work is so distracting, that I actually forget what might be going on inside me.

Then after work I went to the grocery store. I bought a few mildly-heavy items and proceeded to carry them upstairs to my condo. Once again, I thought, maybe I shouldn't do that.

Or maybe it doesn't matter. Think of how many fertiles don't even realize their embryo is trying to implant at that very moment and run, lift, have sex, live their blissfully ignorant lives. I am going to take it easy as much as I can- don't get me wrong. I love taking it easy and I'm not going to do anything stupid that they tell you not to do. I do however need to be able to live my life.

I always thought I'd be the kind of woman who would treat herself like a fragile china doll (and if you ask DH he'll probably say I do). I have been trying to let go of some of my control issues. I doubt the results of this IVF cycle will be determined by the movement of two plastic chairs or the carrying of two bags of groceries. I have to tell myself that at least.

I will try to take it a little more easy. After Friday it should be no problem. (I get two weeks off!). I think this post is a result of feeling guilty after reading all about Infertile Turtle's bedrest during her 2ww and Clio's nephew carrying groceries for her (lucky!). I wish I could do that, but the reality of my life says I can't.

What do you think girls?

Did anyone else go grocery shopping?

Transfer Complete

2008-12-14T17:09:00.000-08:00

My day started off with a minor panic attack. I was sorting through my several pill bottles, trying to lay out my numerous medications (estradiol, medrol, asprin, prenatal vitamin, high blood pressure pill- Did I mention I am a 32 year old with high blood pressure? I'm sure that will make for an easy pregnancy someday). Well, I realized that I had been taking DOUBLE the dose of estrogen (2 pills instead of 1). What an idiot! I never mess up things like this. I was afraid my lining would be too thick and they'd have to cancel the transfer. It was the first thing I confessed the nurse when I saw her. She didn't think it was a big deal and said to just go back to my regular dose today. Thank God for the valium! It was exactly what I needed.

The transfer was easy. The only hard part was my very full bladder. The nurse scanned me and told me I could go relieve myself for 10 seconds. That helped for about two minutes and then it filled right back up. Really, I have the badder the size of a pea.

We have pictures of both embryos. The ratings changed because they are now Day 2. From what I've researched everyone uses a different grading system depending on the clinic and the day of embryo development. There is no real rhyme or reason. I personally think they should all jump on the same bandwagon.

Anyway, they are graded on a 1-5 scale with a one being the best quality and a five being the worst. We have a 2-cell grade one (actually make that a 3-cell, it divided right before transfer) and a 6 cell grade three (this one had some fragmentation). So it sounds like one good and one fair. I am so glad they are in me now and I don't have to analyze them anymore.

I have been taking it easy at home today. My parents came over and had lunch with DH and me. That was a nice distraction. I love to relax, but I am going stir crazy. I have pretty much been stuck in my house since Friday after retrieval. It has been a whirlwind weekend and I am happy the majority of the craziness is behind me.

I have read so many things about bedrest. Some do it strictly, some just take it easy, some go back to their normal daily activities. I've decided to play it somewhere in the middle. I literally laid around the first half of the day and now I've switched to sitting up in front of the computer. Tomorrow I am not going into work, but only because I am a teacher and on my feet all day keeping up with 6 year olds. I cannot bring myself to lay flat on my back. It just seems unnecessary. (In fact, Dr. G. told me the woman who came in for a transfer right before me was going to watch The Nutcracker today.) I watched the embryos go deep into my lining. My clinic has reiterated over and over that they will NOT fall out.

I sure hope so. . . (TMI WARNING- TURN YOUR HEAD IF NEEDED). Around noon today I went pee and something about the size of a pea plopped into the toilet. I am pretty sure it was discolored cervical fluid from the procedure and all the estrogen, but just the same I tried not to worry. I am pretty sure I'd have to shed a significant portion of my lining for them to fall out. Right?

I know the 2WW is going to be hell, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm sure my obsessive nature will take over and I'll be a basket case soon enough. Right now it feels completely unreal that this could ever turn into a pregnancy. It feels impossible. Not because I'm being Negative Nelly, but because it is beyond my grasp at the moment.

On Tuesday I plan to get off bedrest and on with my life, enjoy the holidays and relish in the fact I've come this far.

It's all I can do.

It's On!

2008-12-13T13:59:00.000-08:00

We got the results.

Out of the four eggs, three were good and were ICSI'd.

Two of them fertilized and are ranked the highest grade (A).

We're thrilled to have come this far!

Here's the part I'm confused about. They're transferring them on Day 2. That's tomorrow. I was totally unprepared for a Day 2 transfer. I don't really understand a Day 2 transfer. I thought they didn't really do that anymore. I need to consult Dr. Google. I have heard some differing opinions that the eggs do or do not survive any better in your uterus versus in a lab. I think they are figuring that we will transfer these two no matter what, so they might as well do it tomorrow.

I read this article a while back regarding which days to transfer. One doctor had the opinion that eggs do not survive any better in you uterus than they would in a lab. He said that it is a way to make your clinic look better in case of a negative outcome. "Your embryos were fine when we put them in you. What did you do to them?" I wish I could go back and find that article. It offered an interesting perspective.

I guess what I really want to know is if a Day 2 transfer does any harm. It's not like we have any eggs to pick and choose from, so maybe it doesn't matter what day they go back in.

Maybe I should just be happy and trust that my doctor has some experience with this and knows what he is doing. He has gotten me this far in a crazy cycle.

DH said something bittersweet when I was talking to him about all this. He said, "Wouldn't you want them to be with us if they don't make it, instead of in a lab all by themselves?" Wow! That caught me off guard. He is usually not so sentimental.

So tomorrow it is.

I will bring them home.

Hopefully they'll stay.

Morning My Ass!

2008-12-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

This has been torture.

The nurse yesterday told me they'd call in the morning with the fertilization results. I gave them my home number because I thought that I'd be here all morning. It is now after 12:00. I called to give them my cell phone number instead. This was really just an excuse to call. I was kind of hoping I would be able to talk to someone who knew something. I think I was talking to a receptionist.

Here's my worry. I am afraid that they save the 0% fert. results for the afternoon so my case manager can call me instead of someone in the lab. I asked the receptionist if it was normal for them to wait this long to call. She told me they don't usually call until 2:00. What? I can only hope that this is because today is a Saturday and things work a little differently.

I've never been in the 2WW but I dare to say this might be harder (feel free to set me straight). I have no idea if my eggs are crap or not. If they are, then our chances for a pregnancy are slim to none. I feel like our whole IF future is waiting on this call. Am I being dramatic?

Why won't they just call?

Retrieval

2008-12-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

The fantastic four have made a comeback.

They retrieved four mature eggs today. I am sitting on pins and needles waiting for the fertilization report tomorrow. This whole thing doesn't get any easier does it? I would love to make it to a transfer. One thing at a time though and today is done.

I was lucky I was the first retrieval of the day. They had four scheduled and a ton of transfers. They're trying to get everyone in before the holidays. Get the docs while they're fresh, that's what I say. We even ran into the embryologists in the elevator on the way up. I hope he takes good care of my eggs and can make us some embabies today. I should have slipped him a 20 to make it worth his while. :)

Everyone there was so nice. The nurses really run the show. I have been so focused on stimming and growing eggs, that I kind of took for granted the whole retrieval procedure. The nurse explained the whole thing and I learned something new. That hasn't happened in a long time. I feel like I have researched everything there is to know. She said that they go through the vaginal wall to access the ovaries instead of going up through the uterus. They take a shortcut. That made sense to me and what did I care, I was going to be knocked out during the whole thing.

Then the anesthesiologist came in and I learned something I didn't really want to hear. It was not going to be general anesthesia, but sedation instead. She told me I'd be awake the entire time but would be in a twilight state and probably wouldn't remember anything. Thanks a lot to my case manager Nurse X for getting my hopes up! ("Oh you'll be completely knocked out." Liar!).

Luckily it wasn't bad at all. I remember bits and pieces and a couple times I felt something down there, but for the most part it went fine. Time flew. I thought we were in there for four or five minutes, but DH told me it was more like 30. I remember Dr. G. announcing 4 eggs but that didn't stop me from asking the nursing staff multiple times how many they got. I guess I was pretty out of it.

I don't think my clinic makes a habit of telling people the maturity of their eggs before they leave. When I asked about it during registering, they said I might find out today, but most likely it will be tomorrow morning. If my chances were over today and none were mature, I'd have liked to know instead of holding out hope. I was so doped up I forgot to ask. DH did it for me. Right when he asked I felt a sense of dread. You want to know, but you don't. Luckily the news was good. They were mature right at retrieval. I guess that is better than having to wait for them to mature.

I pray that some will fertilize.

I don't want this to be over yet.

Trigger Happy!!!!!

2008-12-10T17:18:00.000-08:00

What a difference 48 hours makes.

I brought DH with me for support. He wanted to be there too. He felt bad he wasn't there to comfort me after Monday's appt. He's never been to a monitoring before and was a little uncomfortable in the room. I found that slightly amusing. I told him I didn't want him to have to come until there was a baby to look at on the screen, but this might be as close as we ever come, so he might as well be there.

Dr. G. came in and did his thing. I usually ask questions and provide commentary during the whole u/s but not today. I just stared at the screen in silence and waited for the final tally. Here it goes:

Left Ovary: 19.5, 7 (one showed up late to the game)
Right Ovary: 17, 17, 17, 15
E2: 1257

Nurse X called and I finally get to trigger tonight! I never thought I'd make it! It is the small miracle I was hoping for. Those follicles finally decided to get on board at the same time. My lead follicle slowed down and the little ones took off. Dr. G. called DH my good luck charm. He's right. . . Or then again, maybe it was my "Chicks with Brains" socks. . .We'll never know.

DH didn't look. He just hid in the background the whole time. I called him over to show him the picture of my ovary that was left on the screen. I started to explain to him what he was seeing. Dr. G. got very excited about a chance to educate someone and printed off a picture of my follicles for him to look at. Now we have this u/s picture of my ovary. It's hilarious. Most people get u/s of their pregnancies. We have one of my follies. It might be the closest thing we will have to being parents. Should we post it on the fridge? Send them out as Christmas cards? :)

I never imagined I'd be jumping for joy over 3, 4, or 5 potential eggs. If you asked me before we started IVF#1 I'd have been appalled to hear such a thing. Now, I am thrilled and I'll take anything I can get.

I know we have so many more hurdles to face and possible disappointments in our future, (the odds are stacked against us) but I am so happy to have gotten this far. Thank you God. I finally get my chance.

Our retrieval is scheduled for Friday morning. I am going to relish the fact that I don't have any injections tomorrow. Whatever will I do?

Thank you so much for all your comments and support. You all make this hellish journey a little easier.

WTF?!

2008-12-08T16:45:00.000-08:00

Today started off horribly.

It had been 24 hours since my last check. I thought I was out of dominant follicle territory. I thought wrong. Here are today's results:

Left Ovary: 17
Right Ovary: 12, 12, 11, 11

What the fuck!

One of them shrank! One of them took off! And two of them grew a little bit.

I knew right away when I saw the big one on the screen. Dr. G. said he was willing to let it go and hope the others continue to grow together (THAT IS A BIG PROBLEM FOR ME), as long as my E2 didn't drop or my P4 didn't rise. I said, why would my progesterone rise? Aren't I taking Ganirelix to prevent that? He said yes, but people who are prone to dominant follicles don't always respond to it. Don't I respond to anything?!! What the hell? I'm so frustrated.

He was trying to stay positive, but I just knew I'd be cancelled today. I was really trying to hold it together, but he just sat there talking to me and saying, "Don't worry, you still might have a chance." It was the exact same conversation we had in August right before his nurse called and cancelled me. I felt tears rising. I just kept nodding and trying not to speak. He just kept rambling and would not leave. Pretty soon I couldn't take it any longer. I started to cry right there in the office with Dr. G. and a nurse. I never cry in front of people except DH, and my mom and dad. I am not an overly emotional person. I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I couldn't help it today.

Dr. G: "Oh, you're upset."

Ya think!!!

Pathetic Infertile: "I'm sorry."

Why the hell was I apologizing for being upset?

Background Nurse: "It's okay, we understand."

Do you really?

Dr. G. was trying to be sweet, but he finally got a clue and left. I called DH in the car sobbing and he felt so bad.

Oddly enough, once I got to work I felt better. I think I felt relief. I have been through an emotional wringer at every stinking appointment. Not once could I leave one feeling satisfied with my progress. I have had to stim longer than most people I know at very high doses and I was feeling overwhelmed last night. I felt like I just couldn't go on. So I used work as a distraction and I thought about coming home and drinking (a lot of) wine in front of a fire and not having to think about IF if I didn't want to.

Then I looked at my tests results online. . .

My E2 level rose to 800
My P4 level rose from .5 to .8

I thought for sure when I saw the rise in progesterone that this cycle was a done deal. About an hour later Nurse B. calls and tells me to take the same dosage of meds and to come in Wednesday morning.

What the fuck?

I am assuming that my rise in E2 is the only thing that is keeping me in the game and the rise in P4 must not be enough to warrant a cancellation yet. I hope the ganirelix does it's job and prevents the lead one from ovulating. I hope that the other ones continue to grow ALL TOGETHER.

Honestly though, I've lost all confidence in my ovaries. I've lost almost all hope for this cycle. This is too hard. If I were going to be cancelled again, I would have preferred it be on my second stim check like before. The farther you go the harder it is. Not to mention the amount of money I've spent on meds to stim for 12 or 13 days.

I will go through the motions Wednesday, but I will try to have zero expectations.

I am numb.

I am drained.

I am frustrated.

I am tired.

Fab Five?. . . Triple Threat?. . .Terrific Two?

2008-12-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

I'm confused.

IVF #2 is not going very well.

Today's check revealed these results:

Left (lazy) Ovary: 16
Right (really trying) Ovary: 15, 12, 9, 9
E2: 590

It looks like only two or three are really in the running at this point. One came out of nowhere today. That was interesting. If they would just all grow AT THE SAME TIME I would not be as concerned. It seems like every time I go in for a stim check, my chances dwindle. I'm worried what tomorrow will bring. It looks like (for the time being) we have avoided a dominant follicle, but, hey, with me anything can happen.

I have decided to treat this cycle as a very expensive experiment. Unless something drastic happens, DH and I plan to go to retrieval with whatever we have to work with. I need to find some things out about the quality of my eggs: Are they mature? Can they fertilize? If this had been my first attempt, I'm sure Dr. G would have encouraged me to cancel and try again hoping for better results next time. He admitted that I had a poor response, but this is probably the best I can do. I somewhat agree with him. I will not throw in the towel if this doesn't work, but I do believe that we shouldn't let this chance pass by.

I'm disappointed, but it's not over til it's over and I am not a quitter. I am, however, a realist. I know the odds are stacked against us. I am still going to give it all I've got. I just hope and pray it is enough.

Oh where, oh where have my follicles gone?

2008-12-05T16:26:00.000-08:00

Oh where or where can they be?

No, seriously, where did they go?

I had seven just the other day. Today I'm down to four. I don't like this pattern.

The pros:
All four are about the same size (9 or 10 ish).
My estrogen rose nicely considering I only have four ( 290).
No dominant follicle (yet?).
I am still in it.

The cons:
They. . . take. . . forever. . . to. . . grow. . . (Cha-ching! There goes another $1000 on meds)
I can no longer blame my poor response on the lupron.
Everyone at the RE's office was getting news to trigger with a plentiful amount of eggs and I felt like a big loser.

I have decided to focus on the pros. I am surprisingly okay with these results. Of course I am disappointed, and I feel like my odds of actually getting pregnant this time are a long shot, but do you remember when I said I would be okay with 4 or 5 and that I just wanted a chance? Looks like I got my wish.

Thank you God for a chance.

********************************

Following in the footsteps of everyone who names their embryos, I'm going to name my follies in hopes of inspiring them and keeping them around. I shall call them the Fantastic Four.
(To a fertile person I must sound like I've lost my mind).

*********************************

Okay, what is it with me and small worlds?

Oddly, I have always felt very alone at my RE's office, even though I am surrounded by people I have so much in common with. No one usually talks to each other. Online, I have this whole supportive community of "strangers," but in real life, I don't have much of a desire to share my story with these people. Weird.

Today was different. I found an old friend. A sorority sister from college. We were in the same pledge class, so we shared a lot of experiences. It took us a moment to place each other (I haven't seen her in almost 10 years). Then she just gave me the biggest hug and we sat and talked while we waited for the lab to open. This is her first round of IVF. She already has a nine year old. She got married three years ago and is experiencing male IF. I didn't get her details but it sounds like she's right on track and will have her retrieval Sunday. I'm sure I'll see her then, at my next stim check. We exchanged numbers and she wanted me to call her and let her know how things are going with me.

It made my morning a little easier.

Emotional

2008-12-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

I've been an emotional basketcase.

Last night DH brought me home a brownie that a lady in his office made. It was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted. It was moist and chocolaty and had a peanut butter cup in the middle of it. If there's one thing I love it's chocolate and peanut butter. I had just finished my injection for the evening and I was treating myself to this little piece of heaven when DH said, "That's from the woman at work who never had any kids and is also infertile." I know he meant not a thing by this statement. We talk about IF all the time. Why should it bother me now? Blame it on the meds, but I burst into tears. All I kept thinking was how unfair it was that a woman who is such a good cook doesn't have a child of her own to bake for. Totally irrational, I know, but I couldn't help it. I cried and cried for how unfair this world is. I felt better after. I haven't had a breakdown yet this cycle and I think I just needed to get it all out. Poor DH felt really bad. Then this morning on my way to work, I was listening to some stupid song on the radio and lost it again.

I wish I could blame it on the hormones, but I'm worried that my estrogen hasn't been rising enough. I don't feel like a lot is going on down there. (Most of my "cycle sistas" have moved much faster than me.) I've felt a little bloated and tender in the ovaries, but I haven't had any wet quality cervical fluid (sorry if this is TMI- I think you can handle it). Does anyone else see this as a symptom of rising estrogen during an IVF cycle?

I'm just really worried because tomorrow's appt. is when it was all over for me last time. I am so afraid of what will happen. I know I'll brush myself off and go back for more, but I will be so frustrated and disappointed. How am I ever supposed to get a baby if I can't produce enough mature eggs? I don't want to be stuck at square one.

Here I go getting ahead of myself. I need to calm down. There's nothing I can do about it. I will feel so much better if I can continue past tomorrow. I might have a chance then.

I want a chance.

I'll Take That

2008-12-02T16:40:00.001-08:00

I am really trying to take this cycle one day at a time and be thankful for everyday I can still participate. At today's check Dr. G found 7 measurable follicles (all still fairly small) all pretty much the same size. That will do for now. I remember when I used to assume I'd make more, but if I were to get seven (hell even 4 or 5) mature follicles I'd be thrilled at this point. Funny how your perspective changes. My E2 level came back a little low (what's new?) at 76. He said he assumed it would be anywhere between 50 and 200 by looking at the ultrasound. I guess he thought it must be a little low though because he upped my dosage of menopur (my favorite) to 300 ius a night! That's four vials I have to mix now! The follistim will remain the same at 300. What is wrong with my body that I need that much medicine to kick it into gear? If I continue, I'll have to order more. We'll see what happens at my next stim check on Friday.

Please no lead follicles. . .Please no lead follicles. . .Please no lead follicles. . .

*******************************************************

As I was getting dressed this morning to head out to my appt. I thought of PJ at Infertility on the Brain. I decided to wear some cute socks under my boots. I've never really given much thought to my socks at an RE appt. before. Today I did.

And guess what? He noticed! He asked, "What do your socks say?" and I said, "Chicks with Brains." He thought that was hilarious and asked where I got them. I told him from a friend at work (only teachers give each other cheesy gifts like that). I'm totally wearing my "I love my dachshund socks" next.

So PJ, this one's for you:

(You can't tell from my crappy pic, but there is a chick wearing glasses)*************************************************************

I knew Dr. G moved out here last spring from Ohio with his family. This summer during my first try, I found out he was looking for a house in the city I teach in, the same neighborhood no doubt. So at the beginning of the school year I looked at the class rosters of the fifth graders to see if his last name showed up on any lists. I couldn't find it. I assumed he got a house somewhere else. I assumed wrong!

At today's appt. he asked me what time I needed to be in the office. I reminded him I was a teacher. One thing led to another and it turns out his daughter does go to my school (I don't know how I missed the name). You should have seen the look on his face. It was pretty funny. It was like he instantly melded his two worlds of work and family. Good I say, every little personal thing he remembers about me the better. I might get some extra care. And if he doesn't make me a baby, then I know his daughters teacher, and I'm going to make sure she fails every subject! I hope the thought crossed his mind. I just upped the ante. He probably really wants to get rid of me know.

What a small world.

Follisleepy

2008-11-30T12:43:00.000-08:00

Just about the only thing I have been feeling is sleepy and out of it. I did not feel this way last time, but I also started stimming long after AF left. This time, I started on CD2. Maybe the sleepy feeling is due to her not the follistim. Speaking of which, I am still spotting (because I know you care). It's so annoying. I thought with all the drugs she'd disappear sooner but that doesn't seem to be the case. Hhmm. . . Did anyone else ever feel sleepy or fatigued from stim drugs like Follisleepy (get it: Fall-a-sleepy! I crack myself up!)?

Today is my third day of stimming. I take the follistim in the morning and menopur at night. I've realized that the reason I felt no symptoms from the meds last time (as in bloated, swollen ovaries- I wish!) was because nothing was happening. And of course this time, I feel like nothing is happening as well. I know it is only day three of stimming, yada, yada, but I can't help worrying about what I will see (or not see) at my first stim check on Tuesday. I wish I could move on to a new worry, like retrieval, fertilization, grades of embryos, etc. I'm so tired of obsessing about follicle growth. Grow dammit! All together now! Grow!

I just realized, I must sound like a medicated nutjob. . . Forgive me.

These are my ramblings and getting them out makes me feel better.

Follistim Friday

2008-11-28T09:28:00.000-08:00

I just realized I have been spelling Follistim wrong in past blogs. . . Oh well, I just shoot it up, I don't study the label. Geez!

Anyway, after some confusion with a nurse on what was actually my CD1, I started my first dose of Follistim this morning. I was expecting to be a day late and start tomorrow, so I was shocked that the time was now. I was still groggy (I called the clinic first thing when I got up) as I gathered my materials and brushed up on my instructions. There was no nerves, no fanfare; I just went through the motions. It feels so much different this time around. I'm not sure what to make of it.

I am not looking forward to the Menopur tonight. I hate mixing that stuff. I don't know what made me think I could to be a doctor when I was little. I am not at all crafty with a syringe.
*************************************************
All aboard!

The IVF train has left the station.

I hope I make it all the way to my destination.

Where did I come from?

2008-11-26T08:34:00.001-08:00

Fedex sucks!

They were supposed to deliver my meds between 9a.m. and 1p.m. I had plans to have lunch with a friend of mine. At about 12:30 they call to confirm my address. They say the driver brought the package back to the warehouse because they needed an apartment number. "Um, I don't live in an apartment. I do live in a condo and there is nothing more than a number to my address. So bring me my f-king meds and just be glad I'm not on them now!" I had to go get them myself to ensure they'd make it to me by today. It felt better being the one in control. I am a control freak after all.

I brought the package to my friend's house and threw the follistm in her fridge while we ate. The whole time I was there I could hear her 1 1/2 year old old coughing up a lung in the next room during his nap. I have never mixed a cold with IVF drugs, and I don't think I'd like to start now. As soon as he got up, I grabbed my box of meds and I was out of there. Not before her son points to my package and asks,

"Wat's dat?"

"Oh, these are all the things I need to have a baby. Most people only need a bed."

And that got me thinking. . .

If this whole IVF thing ever works. Just think of the story I can tell my offspring when they ask where they came from. I think it might go a little like this:

Well, (insert name) it all starts with two people who really love each other. But sometimes their love alone is not enough to make a baby and they decide they need some help. So here's where you came from.

First mommy and daddy wrote a big, fat check to a doctor.

Then a big box of medicine arrived at our door.

Mommy used this medicine to help grow a little part of you. This part was not easy for mommy.

Next, a doctor in a high tech lab mixed a little piece of mommy with a little piece of daddy to make you.

Finally you grew inside mommy for nine months.

So, you came from a team of doctors, a box of drugs, a high tech lab, a ton of cash, and oh yea, a whole lot of love from mommy and daddy too.

Okay, so maybe the story wouldn't go exactly like that.

But it might be pretty close.

On your mark! Get set! Go!

2008-11-24T16:04:00.000-08:00

What a day!

It started off at 7:30 am in my RE's office for my baseline ultrasound/bloodwork. They don't open til 8:00, but I was told my doc was busy and to come at 7:30. The door was unlocked but all the lights were out and I don't think anyone was home. I called out "Hello." My voice is very small and goes nowhere so I just sat down in the dark to wait. About two minutes later a couple of nurses walked in and, surprise, my doctor was there all along. The appointment itself went quickly and I was out of there by 8:00. No cysts, so I was happy about that. He also found a few follicles (not many I think 5 or 6 total). I took my last BCP today so I am not even on cycle day one yet. I thought that seeing follicles already was a good thing. Then stupid me googles baseline u/s and antral follicle count. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! All I saw were women with multiple, multiple follicles just sitting there waiting to stim. I was getting discouraged before I even got started. I am going to try to still be happy with my measly follicle count. Why? Because last time when I was on the lupron, I am not sure I even had any (I don't know. I didn't think to ask- I didn't ask this time, he just told me) and I am not even on cycle day one yet so more can join the party (I sent them an invitation- I'm still waiting to hear back), and my ovaries looked today almost the same as they did last cycle after five days of stimming. I am trying really hard to stay positive. I. am. trying. really. hard.

At my clinic, you can see your test results online. Sometimes they show up hours before the nurse calls. Not really a good thing for a person like me. My progesterone was .4 (I was okay with that) and my E2 was <20 (that was the official number). My E2 has never been that low before, even on lupron. I again consulted Dr. Google and got myself nice and worked up.

I did have to pull myself away from the computer long enough to go to the dentist . It felt weird being in a medical office without Dr. G. and a dildo cam. Even though I've maxed out my crappy dental insurance for the year, a part of me thought I should get my scheduled cleaning done anyway "just in case" this time works. I feel like I jinx myself when I do these things. I hate not knowing how to live my life.

While I was at the dentist, Nurse B called (Nurse X is in Cancun for a week- must be nice). She said the blood work looked fine but I shouldn't just start injections on Friday like my calendar says, because I need to wait for AF to arrive and start them on CD2 (which very well could be Friday). I called her back and asked about my low E2 numbers, she said they were fine and they like to see low numbers at this point. My AF better behave and show up on time, otherwise I have to call if she doesn't arrive by Thursday. I'm not sure why I have to call. Just to check in? I'm not really clear about that. They better not decide to reschedule me if she's late! There is a short window for IVF procedures in December and I need to fit into that. I can't wait any longer.

So that is my long, boring account. Sorry if your eyes are glazing over. As you can see, I focus on every painstaking detail. It is a fault of mine. This blog could have been much shorter, but I need to get it all out. Analyze, accept, move on. It's what I do.

I just want to get farther than I did before. Wait, that's not really true. I want the whole package. I want the trigger shot, the retrieval, the fert. report, the transfer, the 2ww, the BFP, the pregnancy, the baby. It all seem so overwhelming right now. One day at a time right?

Today is done and I am still in the race.

Dishing My Dirt

2008-11-20T16:50:00.001-08:00

Today was the day I told my boss that am dealing with infertility. I had been pondering whether or not to for some time. I had a couple reasons I needed to get it off my chest.

This summer, I turned down the opportunity to interview with her for the vice-principal position. My old principal had retired and the new one needed a VP. I had tons of support and encouragement from my old boss. She was a real cheerleader for me. I think I could have gotten it. So why didn't I try? Oh that's right, this beast called infertility reared its ugly head.

I was overwhelmed this summer with all things IVF. I just couldn't take the stress of a new career path. And besides, remember the part of me that thought this was going to work? I didn't want to leave my principal high and dry while I went on maternity leave. Oh, so naive!

Now, several months later, the beast is back, and he's going to be my date for the next few weeks (That's if I'm not cancelled after two stim checks again). I needed to let my boss know that I would be taking time off for appointments. As a teacher, you can't just mosey in an hour late and say, "Hey First Graders! How was your morning? Did I miss anything?" I need the help of a colleague to take my class on the days I have appts. My last principal was very understanding of this. I thought this one would be too, but I wasn't sure. I wanted to give her the reason why. And most importantly I needed her to know why I turned down the chance to take the VP position. I am a woman who goes for what she wants (obviously- just look what I'll do for a baby) and the way I've been acting at work lately hasn't reflected that.

I had been dreading talking to her all day. No conversation is harder for me than one that involves telling someone out of the blue that I am infertile. Where do you begin? I had set the appt. with her in an e-mail to discuss something "personal and private." I added, "Don't worry, I'm not pregnant, moving or dying." So when I showed up in her office today she was totally stumped.

It was so awkward. I just started talking. I don't even really remember what I said. I didn't overwhelm her with details. I was very general. To her credit, she was very nice. She's younger than me (29) and single, so she couldn't really relate, but she told me she had a friend who was going through the same thing right now and to just "do what I needed to do." I trust her to be professional and not let anyone know. My last boss would have never found out because she had a big mouth.

I felt some relief letting her know. I always do after I spill my "secret." Once I am out in the open with it, I don't have a hard time talking about it with people. It's just the initial announcement that I can't stand. I don't know why these conversations are so hard for me, but they are. I think I am done for now. No one else should need to know.

************************************************
Monday morning is my suppression check. I can't believe it is almost here.

Let the mind games begin!

A Delayed Reaction

2008-11-13T16:26:00.000-08:00

That is what DH is having to all this infertility stuff.

When we first got married, I knew DH's stance on kids. We'd have them, but really only because I wanted them. He knew he wanted to be a father someday, but if he never had any kids he would probably be okay with that too. Once he learned he suffered from MI all that changed. He suddenly wanted what he might not be able to have. Or at least, he suddenly realized he really did want children. After our first cancelled IVF, it got even more intense for him.

He started to notice what I have for years- fertile people are all around us. He got upset when men at work announced their wives were pregnant, he suffered through a couples baby shower (I luckily had other plans), he sees pregnant women everywhere now and has trouble being around our friends with kids. He never used to be like that. Never. Welcome to my world I say.

It all came to a head last night when my friend invited us to dinner this weekend. She and her husband have an 18 month old. I have been her friend for over 12 years. She is not one I'm going to give up on even though she has a kid. For not being infertile, she has tried to take an interest and understand what I'm going through. She is not afraid to ask me questions that other people might feel too awkward doing. She's always been a good listener. When I brought the invitation up to DH he cut me off with a quick "NO." Okaaaaay. . .

Turns out he can't stand couples events with kids anymore. He says it hurts him too much. This couple especially tends to only talk about their baby. So I understand, but I am worried that he won't be able to get over it if it turns out we can never have kids. I don't want to cast off all my friends just because they have children. I think once we know the path our lives will take, he will be able to adjust. But right now he is in the thick of things and dealing with feelings I have been faced with for a long time. It's interesting watching him go through this.

I have become so calloused to the countless times everyday my infertility is waved in my face. Being an elementary teacher is especially fun! Just today we were reading a story about all kinds of families. The book read, "Families have a mother and a father. Families have children." Children was one of our high frequency words today so it came up a lot in our reading. I was quick to point out to the kiddos that families are all different and some people don't have children, but they are still a family. We then quickly moved on. Normally I wouldn't have even batted an eyelash, but remembering how sensitive DH is lately, it hit me how much more I deal with it all on a daily basis. I see kids and their parents and their younger siblings all the time. I hear pregnant co-worker's updates in the lunch room. It is always there. I have learned to deal with it (even though it hurts) and I hope DH can do. He deserves peace.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Babies on Parade

2008-11-08T07:45:00.000-08:00

The last week has been a little stressful on DH and me. The upcoming IVF cycle is looming near and we start to get a little testy with each other. Gone is the excitement that comes along with starting a new cycle. Instead I am filled with anxiety and dread. I know I should have a positive attitude and all that shit, but I don't work that way. I like to set myself up for the worst and then be pleasantly surprised if it goes better than that. I don't know how to do it any other way. I tried last time to be positive. Actually, I didn't need to try. Deep down I really thought it would work. The success rates for IVF were so much better when it was just MI. I started thinking of my future as being pregnant and having a baby, maybe even two. Well, that thinking didn't really get me anywhere, except to a new reality. Now with both of us facing IF, the odds are stacked against us. Even if I can get some good eggs this time, there is no guarantee any will fertilize, let alone live to day 3 or 5 for transfer. . . Ooops! I better stop. I am getting way to pessimistic here. If I'm dropping $4500 on fertility meds this time, I better at least have a positive thought or two, otherwise why am I doing this again?

Anyway, I digress, so the stress of IF had caught up with DH and I so yesterday we decided to go on a date night to a local steakhouse. We were seated at a booth next to the lobby. We got to see pretty much everyone entering and leaving the restaurant. It must have been bring your baby to dinner night because I swear almost every couple who passed by was young, cute and had a baby in tow. So much for getting our mind off of it. I think I counted close to 20. Really, at a steakhouse? It's not like we were at flipping Applebees! The pregnant lady seated next to us didn't help matters. Lovely, just lovely.

In spite of this, DH and I ended up having a nice evening and flaunting my glass of wine in front of my preggo neighbor helped improve my mood. Just maybe she was jealous of me, especially when one of the babies in the restaurant started screaming. The grass is always greener right?

Reality Check

2008-11-03T16:07:00.000-08:00

As in, I really have to pay for all this IVF stuff.

I mean, I knew I did. I had to before. But this time, I was so focused on the nitty gritty details, like new protocols and calendars, that I kind of forgot how much this all f****** costs. Okay, I didn't really forget, but I must have put it out of my mind. At least until yesterday when I had to pull out my old meds and take inventory. I really didn't have much left. Three measly vials of Menopur and no follistm. Of course I had all the post retrieval medicine left because I never even got that far before.

I was looking at my new calendar and I noticed that they doubled my doses of stim meds from last cycle. A part of me is glad of course because I want to have more eggs than I did last time. The other part of me sat down and did the math. And the math really isn't that hard. Double the dose means double the cost. That hurts! It didn't help matters that I decided to pay all my bills on the same day. Not smart.

DH and I do okay, but the financial burden of IVF sure adds to the stress of it all. How long can a couple keep taking $15,000 hits? It weighs heavily on how far we will decide to take this whole process. I wish I could say it didn't, but it does. If it were free, I'd probably never give up until I hit menopause, but it's not, at least not under our insurance. Reality sets in and you realize you can only do so much. There are only so many times we can try.

It's not fair. Nothing about any of this is.

What I really need is one of these. . .

Cheeseballs

2008-10-29T15:32:00.000-07:00

You know who they are.

They are annoying.

Those super cute families who have everything personalized. Return address labels with one stick figure for everyone in their house, stick figure families on the back of SUVs (As if everyone on the freeway cares how many kids you have. We don't people. We really don't.) personalized door mats and Christmas ornaments, holiday photo cards, family T-shirts, hats, you name it.

You know why I hate them?

I'm totally jealous. I want all that cheesy family stuff. I really, really do.

If we can't have kids, DH says we can always start a wiener dog farm. We'll buy a big house and let them run around the yard, kind of like a Sprint commercial I saw years ago with a whole stampede of them. Who knows, I might turn into a crazy dog person, buy an SUV and put a whole slew of stick figure dachsunds on the back.

Take that you cheesy suburban soccer moms!

Here We Go Again

2008-10-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

What a day.

It started off nice. I only had to work two hours. I took a 1/2 day off for my appointment with Dr. G this afternoon and I had a prep time at 10:30 (my kids were at PE) so I left then for the rest of the day.

I came home, had lunch, walked my dog and found out I left my cell phone at work. That was the beginning of my demise. I was doing so well until something so little happened. I was suddenly completely overwhelmed by the fact that I would need to stop by work on my way to the RE's. Normally, this would not be such a big deal, but I realized how much I was dreading my visit with Dr. G. I just didn't want to go back to that place. I was embarrassed. I felt like a failure. I didn't want to put myself through all that disappointment again, but I knew I would just the same.

I pulled myself together and left a little early so I could stop by work. Utterly unexplainable emotional meltdown number two occurred as I discovered my cell phone was not on my desk, where I thought I had left it. I called DH and told him I was on my way to pick him up at work and I wouldn't be able to call him when I got there because I had lost my cell phone.

I got DH and we finally arrived at the clinic which shares its building with other offices. The parking lot was packed. I finally found a spot and I politely wait for a SUV to pass so I can pull in. Well the bastard pulls in instead. I did something that is not characteristically me. I honk. I am so non confrontational that this is really a lot for me. I immediately become embarrassed and tell DH I shouldn't have done that. Emotional breakdown number three.

I suddenly worried when I saw that "the bastard" had come with his wife and they were walking in the direction of my RE's. . . They were going to the same floor. . .They were going in the same door. Don't I feel like an ass! Poor people were there for their first infertility class. And here I am the jerk who honks at them. I was then stuck in an awkward line with them while DH and I checked in. At least I hadn't flip them off.

Dr. G was about 15 minutes behind schedule. While we waited we saw a woman bring two kids in (both about 6 or 7). The nurse tells her where the infertility class is located. Nice, take your two kids to a class on infertility. I know secondary infertility is hard, but in this case, bringing children didn't seem appropriate. How is she going to be able to pay attention? And what kind of education did those kids get today?

Well, we finally get in to see Dr. G and he is not all doom and gloom like Nurse X was on the phone two weeks ago. He agreed that my ovaries were performing like a woman pushing 40 (tell me something I didn't know) and that there were other protocols to try. It was between an antagonist protocol and a micro-dose lupron flare. He then went into a very long explanation of how each protocol worked. I was well versed in each one so I was listening and nodding and asking very appropriate questions. Poor DH was lost. I think at one point his eyes glazed over. I guess he didn't need to be there, but I wasn't sure if they would try to write me off or not and I wanted him to help me decide what we should do next if that was the case.

We decided to go with the antagonist protocol because he said that dominant follicles (which I had last time) were more prone in a lupron flare protocol. I didn't want that to happen again if I could help it. Overall Dr. G is very knowledgeable and answers all my questions completely. I like the fact that he respects and appreciates all the research I've done and welcomes my questions. In the end (as we know well) it is such a crap shoot. No one can predict anything for sure.

I have mixed feeling about getting underway again. I am happy I have something else to try. I feel more proactive that way. But I dread all that comes with another cycle. I need to call Nurse X tomorrow and have her make my calendar. Next month the fun will really begin. Hey, at least I won't have to take any lupron shots!

Now if I could just find my cell phone.

Getting Off My Ass

2008-10-20T16:41:00.001-07:00

So I hate exercising. Really, really hate it.

I am fortunate to have a petite frame and I can loose any extra pounds pretty easily by watching what I eat. The motivation to exercise has never been there. I know it's good for your heart and all that. Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, a friend of mine was telling me this weekend about a 5K run she did. I told her I always wanted to run but was never good at it. My shins hurt, my side cramped and I think I look funny when I run. Not as bad as Phoebe on Friends, but maybe close. She then proceeded to tell me about the "Couch to 5k" training program. I'm sure many of you have heard of this, I hadn't. Apparently in 9 weeks, you can be running a 5K, even if you've never run before. When she told me the first three workouts were 60 seconds of running, followed by 90 seconds of walking repeated for 20 minutes. I thought "Now that I could do."

And today I tried it for the first time. I made sure to find an empty track and field without a neighborhood soccer game going on. I didn't need the added pressure of an audience. After my 5 minute warm up, I started my first workout. No side cramp, and I was hardly out of breath, but by the end, my legs felt very heavy and my shins were a little sore. I think I need to invest in some better shoes.

A friend of mine at work is going to try it too. My goal is to complete our city's 5K Bah Humbug Run with her in early December.

This is also when I am scheduled to start my stim meds (if I get the go ahead, if I don't have any cysts,- you know the drill). I am so tired of living for "what if." I am going to proceed as if I am not infertile and not a slave to my IVF calendar. Last time I felt like such a fool for stopping all exercise (not that I did much mind you) on stim day 4 as they suggested. What a joke! Nothing was going on in my dusty ovaries. I didn't need to worry about them twisting around themselves.

I hate scheduling my life around fertility treatments so I am deciding this time to cross my IVF bridge when I get to it, and not a day before. If I need to cancel my run, so be it. But I am not worrying about that now.

What I am worried about is how sore I am going to be tomorrow.

A Makeover

2008-10-19T10:01:00.000-07:00

For my blog. . .not me, although I'm sure I could use one.

I am so new to this blogging business and aesthetically, my blog wasn't cutting it. It seemed a drab, depressing color that wasn't me, so I gave it an update. Much cheerier I say.

Nothing new for me this week. I am just waiting for my consultation on Thursday. I need to gather a list of questions I have for Dr. G. One of my biggest questions is why my antral follicle count in March was 11 (during my saline sonogram) and I could only produce six on a medicated cycle in August? I thought the whole point of a medicated cycle was to produce more. I guess my body doesn't follow the rules. Or maybe, I am on to something with the whole over suppressed thing because of all that lupron. At my suppression check before my stims, my E2 level was 30. That number didn't seem over suppressed. Has anyone ever had something similar where you feel your body was over suppressed, but your numbers didn't look that way?

See how I over analyze everything? I guess this is my way of taking to take charge of something that I really can't.

Maybe if I'd just relax. . .

The Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

Today I took my class to the pumpkin patch. When we arrived it was kids galore: small kids, big kids, medium kids, screaming kids, crying kids, laughing kids, full of snot kids, smelly dirty kids, unruly kids. You get the picture.

Today was one of those days when it felt okay to go home to only my dog and have a little time to myself before DH gets home. Today was one of those days I thought- I can be patient. There are some pluses to being childless. That is today. Tomorrow will be different. I wish I could live in the moment; enjoy my life for what it is right now. I'm always so damn impatient for the next step.

It was that way when I was dating in my early 20s. I was always looking for "Mr. Right." Never enjoying my right now. If I only knew then I'd find him eventually, I could have enjoyed my single, carefree years a little more. All my friends had found "the one." I was still searching. I thought I'd never get where they were. I was always so jealous of their relationships. I thought for sure I'd be left behind.

All my friends have once again moved on with their lives. And once again I am so jealous. They have babies and play dates and mommy groups. I am once again left behind. I wish I knew if I would eventually get where they are. Someday I want to hold my screaming baby and wish I had enjoyed my childless years a little more.

But there is no crystal ball to show me the way. No guarantees of where this journey will lead. All I can do is love my husband, my dog, my family, my job, my life. . .right now.

And today I am enjoying. I should hang out at the pumpkin patch more often.

A little perspective

2008-10-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

I never knew how good it would feel to reach out through a blog. Writing it was such a release.
Thank you for your comments. It was the first time I haven't felt alone with my infertility in awhile.

My sister-in-law is a good friend of mine. She is the reason I met DH. She was dating his brother at the time. We both married them and now it turns out we have the same first and last name. We are both teachers in the same district. So much in common, except IF. . . (they aren't even trying yet). She tries to be supportive, but really has no idea. Which brings me to her comment the other day.

She has been trying to get a condo in my development (sounds a little to close to comfort for me). They have put in two offers on two different homes and both were outbid. She was in such a pissy mood when she found out. She said "It has just put me in such a bad mood all day. We had our hopes up. We thought this one would work out. . .You know of it feels to be disappointed."

WTF?! Did she just compare infertility to the housing market?

I wish I had had the guts to say something.

But then again, maybe she's right. Whenever we get down about infertility DH and I rest assured that it could be worse. We could have been outbid on a house. Sure helps us keep everything in perspective. . .

Unbelievable.

My Weekend

2008-10-12T08:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday DH and I went wine tasting with my parents, my cousin and his wife who came to visit from out of town. I was looking forward to a day that would get my mind off of the disappointing phone call I had with my RE's office on Friday.

My cousin made the comment that this would be the last trip they could take without the kids for a while. He has two children (9 and 4). So of course, being polite, I ask why. He then pats his wife's knee and says they have another one on the way-not planned. I am happy for them, but with every new pregnancy comes so much jealousy. I feel like it's everyone but me. I have been proud of myself for not letting that get in the way of celebrating with them. I've never minded discussing people's pregnancies, or their children. It is strange that such a happy announcement can make me so sad. I try to get past that feeling. Some days it is easier than others. Yesterday was hard.

I also have two pregnant coworkers, both due this April. I can't help thinking that if IVF#1 had worked, I would have been right there with them. I find one of the hardest places to deal with IF is at work. (The only people who know about our IF is our immediate family and three of my closest friends.) It's not really the fact that as a teacher I'm surrounded by kids. Being a teacher and being a parent are really very, very different. It is the fact that I am surrounded by parents and well intentioned coworkers who constantly ask when I'm going to have a baby. Actually that is not really true anymore. They used to ask more often. It has tapered off.

I came to a realization after talking with a friend of mine I used to teach with (who is aware of our struggles). She is now a stay at home mom. A fellow teacher was talking with her the other day. She used to ask my friend when I was going to have kids. Just the other day she asked if I was "having trouble." This is their logic: I've been married for three years. . . People know I want kids. . . I don't have kids. . .I must be infertile! It irritates me that people make assumptions about my life.

Meanwhile, my AF is back in full force this month. I guess I should start my BCP tomorrow so I can be on track with starting my injections next month. Whatever Dr. G tells me at our consultation on the 23rd, it's not going to stop me from at least giving it one more try. I'm not going to give up that easy.

My First Post

2008-10-11T08:20:00.001-07:00

So I can't believe I'm doing this. . .

But I have read so many other infertility posts that have inspired, educated, and made me feel not so alone, that I thought maybe someday someone would gain something from mine. I have been such a "taker" in the blog community that I thought I should be giving something back.

Where do I begin? In April of '07 we started TTC. I was charting and ovulated but I was convinced I had a luteal phase defect (only 9 or 10 days) so in September of '07 I went to my OBGYN and told her my concerns. She basically laughed in my face and told me 5 months was not very long to try and to call if it had been a year. She said she was sure I would be pregnant before the end of the year. Wouldn't that have been nice?

In February of '08 we attend a "class" on infertility. They order all the initial tests for myself and DH and my day three bloodwork comes back in the normal range (though I thought my FSH level for a 31 year old was a little high- 8.8) but DH's SA shows a severe MI. We schedule a consultation with RE (Dr. G)and are told IVF with ICSI is our only option.

I then undergo a saline sonogram and it comes back normal. We schedule our first IVF cycle for August of '08. Hey we had a cruise that June and with myself as a teacher August is a great time to conceive! We finally have an explanation and a plan! This could really work. . . We were so naive.

In the meantime DH underwent genetic testing and we determined the reason for MI. We speak to a genetic counselor and learn it is something that could be passed to his sons, but infertility is the only symptom. Decide to proceed.

I was actually excited to begin my lupron shots in July. We were progressing towards a goal. I was on a long luteal protocol. My supression check went well, no cysts. We were ready to start stimming. Here's where my end of the bargain feel through. I took for granted this portion of the process. After all, everything looked fine with me. I passed all my tests with flying colors.

I went in for my first stim check on day 4 and they found four teeny tiny follicles and my E2 level was only 57. They increased my follistim and menopur and tell me to come back in another four days. At my second and final stim check they see six follicles. With a very large, fat one at size 17, one at 13 and three or four other ones around 9 or 10. Dr G. tells me to proceed with stimming for 3 more days and the nurse will call with my dosage once he gets my E2 numbers back. He is concerned that the one at 17 is becoming the lead follicle, but hopefully the others will catch up. I am upset but have glimmer of hope. That is until 3:00 when the nurse calls with my E2 number- 300 s0mething, and tells me they are cancelling my cycle due to a lead follicle. I guess the little ones weren't letting off any estrogen, the big one was taking over. This came as a surprise. No one thought I would react (or not react in my case) this way to stim meds.

For a while the infertility was easier to deal with when I thought it was only with DH. I knew I was in the same boat as him and we were going to deal with it together. But it gave me some peace thinking my parts were working fine. I am humbled. The worst part of this cancelled cycle was that our whole mindset changed. We began to think this might not ever happen. With both of us suffering from our own infertility issues, it just feels like every step of this process will be an uphill battle.

It took me forever to finally ovulate after stopping IF drugs in August. My AF just arrived today. When the nurse called to cancel my cycle last Aug. she said that the doctor would probably change my protocol (yes please) and to call her back when I got my AF. The clinic takes two weeks off in Nov and Dec for the holidays (really?) so the soonest I could cycle again would be late Nov. early Dec.

It was so nice to have a few weeks off. To try to forget about the failure and look towards the future. I researched new protocols. I tried to take my mind off it. It had been so nice not to deal with all that comes with and IVF cycle. And then yesterday I called my nurse again. Start the waterworks. . .

Nurse X. answers and I introduce myself. She remembers me and pulls up file. I ask her what my next step is. Long pause ensues. . . . . . Then she asks "Did you speak with the Dr. regarding your cancelled cycle?" I said no but I would like to before I start a new one. She hadn't mention any of this in August. Another long pause. . . She says, "Well let me talk to the doctor and see if he wants to continue with another cycle for you." WHAT? It was sounding like they were totally trying to dismiss me after one crappy cycle. What happened to we'll try again in December? I hang up with her and am very frustrated and upset. If they thought I was that much of a lost cause, they should have told me that in August.

She calls back 30 minutes later and says the doctor would like to set up a consultation where he will go over our options. In the meantime she says that if I decide to go forward (?) that I will need to start taking BCP on CD 2. At this point I am almost in tears and I try to get her to level with me. She says that Dr. G. will be honest with us about our chances of pregnancy should we go ahead with another cycle. Sometimes people respond better to different protocols. That is a something we should decide together with our RE. In other words, I feel like they are counting me out. They'll do it if I want but they're not very hopeful. I didn't think I was that much of a failure.

I was in shock. I was calling from work because my class had already gone home for the day. I hang up and sit alone and cry. A pity party for one. I finally pull myself together and go to the office to use the bathroom. Guess who's there? A woman who used to work with me who had twin girls two years ago. She had brought her babies to school for a visit. I thought I could take this event two ways. One, as a slap in my face from the IF gods, or as a sign. I swear only infertiles look at the world in this way. This woman I had heard through the grapevine was struggling with IF. She had miscarried before her twins at 5 months when she went in an found no heartbeat. I know she has had her share of struggles. Maybe it was a sign of hope. Or maybe just lousy timing I was in the office then. Who knows.

I hope to use this blog to keep track of my journey through our struggles. It feels so good to have a place to share. There are so many of you I read and follow. I found out about these blogs when I was googling lead follicles. The first IF blog I read was Infertility Bites. Her struggles sounded so close to mine. It is such a great support group.

Thanks for reading.

Just Another Infertility Blog

My Last Post *Edited*

Just Another Motherhood Blog

My Baby Story

Pictures

Our Miracle

Tomorrow

I Have to Vent

39 Weeks

A Milestone

Reality

Calling All Lovely Lurkers

36 Weeks

34 Weeks

A Date With Dr. Delightful (and Wemberly of Course)

Why do I do these things?

30 Weeks

29 Weeks

Hello Third Trimester!

Open Mouth Insert Foot or Dumb Ass Fertile Comments

26 Weeks

Who wants ice-cream?

It's a Dance Party!

Just Checking In

21 Weeks

Halfway

My First Award!

I Was Wrong. . .

"Dreams", "Is that Gas?" and "My DH"

16 Weeks

Belly Fascinations

Wemberly

13 Weeks

I'm Coming Out

I Have Hair Where?

Today I Almost Had a Heart Attack. . .

Feeling Out of Place

My Super Spotty, Super Scary, Super Bowl Weekend

8 Week Ultrasound

What's Up Kate?

Introducing. . .

I'm an over-anaylzer. Are you?

Random Updates

Beta #2 = 656

My Belated Christmas Present. . .

A Picture Tag and the 2WW

7dp2dt

Trying to Take It Easy. . .

Transfer Complete

It's On!

Morning My Ass!

Retrieval

Trigger Happy!!!!!

WTF?!

Fab Five?. . . Triple Threat?. . .Terrific Two?

Oh where, oh where have my follicles gone?

Emotional

I'll Take That

Follisleepy

Follistim Friday

Where did I come from?

On your mark! Get set! Go!

Dishing My Dirt

A Delayed Reaction

Babies on Parade

Reality Check

Cheeseballs

Here We Go Again

Getting Off My Ass

A Makeover

The Pumpkin Patch

A little perspective

My Weekend

My First Post

My Last Post Edited